- 3 years ago
Some of you may have read (or you can just look up in my posting history) a thread I made a little while ago about the problems my boyfriend and I were having with his mother. Long story short:, BF is an only child and was a miracle baby to his parents, and ended up being completely babied by them his whole life. Not spoiled–they instilled good values in him like working hard and the value of money, responsibility, etc., but nevertheless lived an extremely comfortable, smooth sailing life. Their family has always been somewhat wealthy, no major health problems, parents are still together–no joke, they really havent ever ‘been through’ anything. BF and I have been together for two and a half years now, and over time, his mother has become increasingly jealous, anxious, and paranoid.
Well, things hit a breaking point on Christmas…I worked the morning shift at my job from 645am to 1245pm, and then rushed home to get ready so me and BF could go to his parents house for the big annual family Christmas party. He was already ready and patiently waited for me as I showered quickly and got myself done up–all the while worrying aloud to him that my gift to his parents wasnt good enough (I couldnt think of anything material to get them so I got them a dinner gift certificate and a movie gift certificate and wrote them a card saying something to the effect of ‘Have a date night, on me!’)
When we finally got over there and stayed for a few hours, both of his parents seemed a little off–quieter than usual, and didnt seem too happy to be visiting with their son (since he moved out last year they have made it a point to talk about how much they miss him, so we were expecting them to be really jolly and enjoying the visit)
Anyway, the visit seemed to go over perfectly fine and enjoyable otherwise, and after all the rest of the family left, it was just me, him, and his parents. We exchanged gifts and then sat in kind of an awkward silence for about twenty minutes. At that point BF said we would be heading out, and we left. On the way out, his parents asked him to go to lunch, just the three of them, in the upcoming week. He said sure, and on the way home we discussed how we both noticed their strange behavior.
A few days later their lunch date came up, and BF was really sick that morning. He called them up to apologize and ask to reschedule, and they basically had a meltdown! Literally begging him to bring himself to go out, asking if they could come over our apartment instead (they didnt know I had the day off and was home, they thought I was at work), asking if he could just take some medicine and go out for a little while….he actually had to INSIST to them that it wasnt a good day, after the THIRD phone call!
So then his mother sends him a guilt tripping, passive aggressive text…”its really a shame you couldnt come out today, we had something REALLY important to talk to you about…” So BF calls her and asks her whats so important (he was already extremely annoyed at this point) and to our shock and awe, hismother proceeds to legitimately go on a rant about ME…saying how rude and disrespectful I was at Christmas, and how I was, according to his parents, directly attacking them and ‘undermining the family’ the whole time.
The look on BFs face as she was talking was beyond description…he looked pissed, confused, and disgusted all at the same time. I was sitting next to him with my jaw physically hanging open…I seriously had NO idea what they were talking about, and furthermore, I was getting extremely angry…all I could think about was how I rushed home from work to get to their house and worried about if their gift was good enough, and how they acted pretty nice to my face the whole time and were now calling BF to talk badly about me, AND how apparently they had this huge problem eith me and my behavior yet I never heard anything directly from them. Just sitting there listening to her going on and on about how rude and mean I was…I was floored.
-myself and a cousin of BF and his mother were sitting together and started talking about that stupid video ‘What does the fox say’. I asked BFs mom if she had watched it, and said how funny that was. Apparently, that was me mocking her and being sarcastic.
-at dinner, the family was talking about fires, and what we would and would not take in the event of a fire. I asked BFs mom if she had a keepsake box with things from BFs childhood that were irreplaceable, such as locks of hair or his umbilical cord nub. According to her on this phone call, that was a “direct attack” and I was mocking her and accusing her of walking around with her sons umbilical cord, insinuating she was too attached to him.
Now, Im gonna be honest here…I tried my best to think about this logically, and I realize misunderstandings happen, but these were such OUTRAGEOUS accusations, and they had put so much effort into decoding my actions and assuming the worst of me” ‘offended’ doesnt even begin to cover how I felt. If someone doesnt want to be my best friend, or my personality rubs them the wrong way, then fine…but DO NOT question my integrity and character as a person. I would never in my life dream of going to his familys’ home and basically plotting against them with sly comments the whole time. It was ridiculous.
BF pleasantly surprised me and he got MAD…long story short, he stood up for me, shut them down, and told them he wouldnt be talking to them until they personally apologized to me. It was almmost comical…they were so incredibly shocked and offended that BF was standing up to them and disagreeing. They insisted that they hadnt done anything wrong, begged him to talk to them, and then laid on the guilt trips…after about a week of this we finally called them and his mother exploded, howling like a werewolf and screaming that I was tearing apart their family and she had raised BF to be better than this…it was so dramatic, if it werent such a stressful situation, it would have been funny.
About two weeks of silence followed this phone argument, until his dad reached out to him and said it was time to just leave the fight behind them, and BF sent a very mature and well thought out email in reply, explaining exactly why what they did was so offensive and hurtful to both me and him, and agreed in the end to stop the fighting for now.
Now, BFs birthday is coming up in about three weeks. Obviously his parents are going to want to take him out for dinner or something, and we both agree they dont have the guts to say Im not invited…most likely they’ll just put their usual ‘play nice’ act to our faces.
The problem is, I am not ready to see them. I know Im going to have to at some point, and I know if Im technically invited and I dont show up Im going to look immature, but I really just dont want to see them. Im going to be a ball of anxiety and anger and stress and the last thing I want to do is ruin BFs birthday experience.
However, I also feel like if I dont show up, Im technically letting them win and letting them chase me away. I dont see a good side to this…if I go it’ll be unpleasant, if I dont go I look immature and Im letting them chase me away.
Sorry for the long post Bees, but thank you for bearing with me, and Im hoping I can hear some words of advice here. I honestly have no idea what to do.