To go or not to go? I'm going to look like the bad guy either way…

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
11717 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Grin and bear it.  If you think you’re going to end up married to him, his parents are going to be in the picture and you need to learn to deal with them now, rather than later.

Post # 5
Member
851 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013 - The front lawn of our church

@ChicoryCreek:  You said in your post that you and BF decided to put the past behind you and move on… Honestly, I don’t understand why you wouldn’t go if that is the case. If you can’t go, or won’t because you just aren’t over it yet (which is understandable) then you need to admit to yourself and them that you’re not ready to put it behind you.

Post # 6
welliesMember
1425 posts
Bumble bee

Personally, I wouldn’t go. Their behavior is completely unacceptable.

Post # 7
Member
1625 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@ChicoryCreek:  You need to go. You actually have the upperhand here, because luckily your SO has backed you up and told them their behavior is unacceptable. Of course he doesn’t want to have to choose a side, but he’s made it clear that if he has to, its you. I think knowing that, you can go to the dinner feeling comfortable and relaxed. Be pleasant, and know that if theres any negative feelings going on it’s on them!

I was in a similar situation.. My FHs mom is a nutter, has done a lot of crazy stuff, yelled at me because she was “alone” on Valentine’s Day one year and I expected him to spend it with me, etc. Totally bizarre and possessive and strange. Well he tolerated it for a while, and eventually just got fed up. Made her realize that if she was going to keep it up, he wouldn’t be in her life anymore. Well, that ended her weird behavior towards me. She has been nothing but nice ever since, even though I know she still doesn’t like me and probably never will. The good thing is, I don’t care! I’m not worried about a blow up or awkwardness, because if anything happened she would be permanently removed from our lives. 

Post # 8
Member
905 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

If you’re invited:  I think you have to go – regardless of whether you think you’re ready to face them, you can’t let them think that they have the power to drive a wedge between you and your BF.  

If you’re not invited:  it would really raise the needle on the ugly-meter, but I think your BF would have to politely but firmly decline as well.  Otherwise, again, it would give his parents the impression that they have more power than they should.

Post # 9
Member
526 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

Ask him what will make his birthday more enjoyable for him, and do that. Make him offer his opinion, because it’s his birthday and his family.

Post # 10
Member
6048 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

Nope you have to go.  Don’t back down, if they see you are not a united front, they will keep the dramatics up.  If they see the united front and that the dramatics aren’t changing anything it will slowly …. sloooooowly sink in that you aren’t going anywhere and you don’t plan on giving in.  You may have a pleasant time. 

My dad’s cousins were like this about my mom, she was beautiful, divorced, had 3 sons, and was quiet.  His cousins tried everything, inviting him out alone, and he would show up with my mom, lunch for just him and one of them, he would bring my mom.  By the time my parents got married everyone was either on board or doing so just to see my dad.  You have to be a united front.  Hang in there 

Post # 12
Member
7654 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

@ChicoryCreek:  I was in a smiliar situation.

Perhaps you don’t know my MIL stories, and I am not about to sum them up here, but we are dealing with similar MILs (she isn’t your MIL here but for the sake of the post pretend I am saying your bf’s mom). My MIL, while having been through some shit in her own life, is overbearing, controlling, and a guilt tripper.

On the 12th she ended up saying some things, and I ended up defending myself. She didn’t like what I had to say and actually told me “Get the hell out of my house!” a completely irrational, childish response.

A week later she told DH his grandparents were coming up. DH made it a point to tell her WE would come up and tell her what time WE would be leaving. We went and let by gones be by gones. It was actually a nice time [Edit: When I say we let by gones be by gones I mean we let this situation go. We do NOT plan to let our guard down or give in to her when SHE wants something, and her guilting will be addressed when she does it]

**What I am trying to say is you should go. I had the SAME thought process as you: I wasn’t ready to face her because honestly I wanbted to rip her apart, but if I didn’t go she’d also win. I’m sure after she said the shit she said she didn’t expect me to come.

 

You and your BF are a TEAM. He is amazing for standing up to them–you have a great man there. DH has been getting on boards with realizing we need to be a team as well.

 

In my situation, whether you want to read it or not in my past posts, I decided to let things go because honestly I learned some things in therapy and from my own findings: you cannot change how she feels. You know what you meant by what you said. If she wants to feel that way, fine. You are only responsible for how YOU react, not for how she feels, and I cannot stress that enough. And your situation will heal over time so long as you and your BF are a united front. Go to dinner, and be nice, but you do NOT have to make an extra effort. That much I will say. You go being yourself, and don’t think you have to walk on egg shells because you might offend her. You can’t control how she feels about what you say.

 

Post # 14
Member
526 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

@ChicoryCreek:  Then I say go, as long as he’s willing to walk off with you if they get nasty.

Post # 15
Member
265 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I wouldn’t go. They can’t really accuse you of being immature if they’re gonna handle sitautions the way that they did. I dont know, I just feel like if you’re not ready to see them then you’re not ready to see them and you may come off as cold or irritable (totally understandable) but you may want to wait to see them when you feel a little more settled with the whole thing so that they don’t have one more thing to accuse you of. 

Post # 16
Member
1302 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

If you all decided to leave this in the past and move on than both you and BF need to go.

The worst thing you can do is let VF go without you – you need to present to his parents that you guys are sticking together. So either you both go or you both don’t go.

I would personally go, put on a nice face and play along with them.

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