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That's a tough decision; I feel for you. We want to have a baby too, likely in the next year, but I keep waffling on it. I want to be a mother, but I also like my freedom and down time...I already feel busy as it is, and sometimes I just can't imagine bringing a child into the mix. :(
I agree, hubs feels its a given in the relationship, but at times I just love laying around and doing nothing!! I can't imagine working and having a baby to raise, and at this point we can't live on just one income. We've agreed to wait until I'm 30, so hopefully we will have things figured out by then. There are days that I know it'll happen, and then days I can't imagine being a mom. It scares the bejeezes out of me...
It is a tough decision. And yes, the freedom is gone but on the flipside, it's replaced with the love of a child. I go back and forth each time I think about it. What's going to change for the better? For the worse? Not to mention when I'm 60, my kid will only be around 20. Yikes. I'll be that older parent who looks like the kid's grandparent. AH!
Obviously no one can give you a right or wrong answer, but I always worry for folks who choose not to have a baby, for whatever reason. It seems a lot of them regret it in the end. I think if you know your FI is going to be supportive, if you have a stable income and a nice home, you should go for it! The down time will cease as you know it now but it will be replaced with a different down time, known as nap time or bed time! Lol.
That's true, and I know his sister is dying for us to have babies so our niece and nephews have cousins. I know hubs will make a great father, but with my attitude problem and hatred of all things whiny and blubbery and snotty, I just don't know. EVERYONE says its different when its yours, i just hope its true. Hopefully the next few years will have me thinking differently...
I've heard this feeling is why your body is pregnant for 9 months instead of say, 1 month: to give your mind time to get used to the idea of changing up your life for a baby.
@jennifer espos - I've heard people who chose NOT to regret it as well.
@chelseamorning - I've not heard that but I like it.
It's definitely a life-changing experience. I think it's one of those things where, if you have a baby, you won't regret it. But if you dont have a baby, you MIGHT regret it.
You guys could adopt, too, if you're open to that.
But yeah, when we were faced with the whole "must have a baby asap" concept, I told myself that I'd get used to the idea over the course of the 9 months and grow to love the whole change that was about to happen and embrace it with open arms.
I have the same dilemma! I just can't decide....which to others seems really strange I've found. Most people I guess just know whether they absolutely want children or whether they know that it just isn't for them. I wish I was one of those people. It doesn't help that DH is not really excited about having children at all - but he has agreed to to be a helpful supportive father if I decide I want them. It' s a huge decision and a huge responsibility that never ends. I just don't take decisions like this lightly. I feel your pain - with the clock ticking it makes it even more stressful. Its like you have a deadline to make the most important decision of your life.
I'm sorry I'm not more helpful - I'm just relating to your feelings. Good luck!
@MrsKtobe - my FI is the same way. While he thinks the idea of me being preggers is pretty cool he is super excited but would come to the conclusion to have one if I wanted to.
I"m so glad you ladies can relate. Sometimes it's really nice to know you're not the only one who has the same dilemma.
I go back and forth almost daily. In the end I think I will decide to have a baby because I think that when I'm 90 I think I might regret never having had kids... but I can't think of anything actually regretting doing it.
I'm due to have my first child in less than 2 weeks. We totally didn't feel ready when we started trying, but we both knew, deep down, that we'd regret waiting if it meant we couldn't start a family. So, we went for it, knowing that we would never regret our child, but knowing how we'd arrange child care, if we'd move to a bigger place, etc.
I'm still not sure I'm ready, even as I feel my body preparing for labor. It is surreal and kind of scary. I don't regret our decision to start trying.
You can't always be 100% sure. You can't always be totally logical. You can't always anticipate the way your decisions will impact your life. You just have to have some faith that you'll do more than just make it work, that you'll be happy.
Your absolutely right, people do end up regretting their decision either way they go. Its definitely a tough decision to make. Its much harder than just trusting your gut. A lot of people I know, have a child just because its the "natural" next step, that's probably not the best idea. In the end you'll make the best decision for your marriage and it'll be an informed decision as opposed to an impulsive one.
I think every woman should read this:
http://forums.bellaonline.com/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=318631
This is one of the most honest accounts of the negatives of being a mom that I have ever read. I still plan to have kids even after reading it, but I prefer to go into these things with my eyes open and fully understanding the pros and the cons.
I have a 6 year old and I love her to pieces. I don't know what I would do without her, but there are days when I would like a little more time to myself! Its a hard decision because its permanent and its not just about your happiness but your child's too. If you have a child there may be days when you think "what have I done?" But there are so many days when its perfect. But if you do have a child, your life will definately change. You may not have time to do all the things YOU want to do anymore, but fingerpainting and playing Barbies is pretty cool too.
@hellohellohello, thanks for the link to the honest thread. Sometimes I've always wondered if people are lying and/or exaggerating when they talk about their kids and they only talk about the positives....I'm the person who wants to hear the not so obvious downers, too! Goodness knows I heard my mom complaining enough about us =]
But that is an incredibly sad story. I can't imagime myself personally being like that and truly regretting having a child with my husband, but it's an interesting perspective.
@hellohellohello, it was a great read. A lot of things hanging over like a cloud over my head were articulated quite well in that thread. I am thinking that I could be in that 5%.
@hellohellohello - that thread gave me a lot to think about over the next couple of years. Thank you for posting it.
It's like Miranda in SATC says "when is it ever a good time to have a baby?" I guess only you can decide. I am sure it will be fine whatever you choose. You'll be great mom. And if you decide to wait, there are options there too.
FH and I have decided were not having children. I have never had that maternal instinct or that desire, however im sure if i did fall pregnant it will be the best thing that will ever happen in my life part from meeting my FH. But at this stage its not on our radar for the next ten years..(but im always willing to babysit!!) Good luck with your decision, best wishes on doing whats appropriate for you. Every situation is differant.
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As some of you may know, I am an older bride. First time wedding for both FI and me. I'll be 38 when I get married next October.
I teeter back and forth about starting a family with FI. Some days I want us to definitely try and have one (after the wedding) because I think it would be amazing. I want to be a mom and I know FI will be an outstanding dad. But then the other days I realize how busy my life is. I commute to work 2 hours a day, I get home sometimes 1-2 hours before FI so I take care of our two dogs, who are definitely part of our family, I teach a fitness class and when I have down time, I'm like...this is nice. Then my mind goes to...if I had a baby at this moment, I wouldn't be having this down time.
Then I see a close colleague of mine who has a 6 month old at home come into work each day and talks about how she has no time, etc., how her husband doesn't help out, etc. And it scares the ever living crap out of me.
But then can I go through life without the experience of being someone's mom? I just don' t know.