Post # 1
Over the past six months I have been planning our wedding.. I am in a same sex relationship and my fiance keeps pulling the “groom” card on me.
Let me explain
When we first got engaged… there was no proposal. We have been together nine years and havent really talked about getting married. One reason being.. it is not legal in our state. I grew up like most girls dreaming of a wedding with a partner and living happily ever after… She did not. So when we decided to get married it was me saying… nine years and I have no ring on my finger!!!
We MUTUALLY agreed that we were ready to get married and I wanted a wedding. The first four months of our engagement was peer bliss. From looking at all sorts of pictures, purchasing my wedding dress, and talking about theme, colors, and so on. She surprised me with making an appt at the hotel I wanted for our venue but couldnt afford. With her mom helping us pay for the wedding she decided to surprise me. ( AWW ) From there it started. Next we booked our photographer ( 1000.00 retainer fee ) and the complaints started about money. Everything upset her. I have dreamed of enjoying planning a wedding with my partner my whole life, now that its here…. its the exact opposite. She starts arguements whenever I need decisions to be made on the wedding and I need her opinion. She keeps arguing that this stuff doesnt’ interest her and no groom plans the wedding. I am left to decide EVERYTHING on my own. My mom and two sisters arent so much about planning weddings so I am ON MY OWN!! My MOH lives out of town. So I decided to only bother my fiance with things that are important…. like food..
When I brought up the food it started an arguement… food is too expensive blah blah blah. I guess arguing about it makes the price go down??? grrr I explained we need to decide by the end of the month.. she said to decide and let her know.
Anytime the wedding is brought up … an arguement starts. She wants nothing to do with the planning yet when I make a decision she is unhappy with it.
We have not been getting along and haven’t even been on speaking terms. We have come so far and now I feel the wedding is bringing out the worst in us. I know the planning is short lived and a marriage is forever, but am I wrong to think that I deserve some sort of support in this? I work full time and go to school full time and I have a nine year old son!! I feel like I am walking on egg shells all the time!
So I finally convinced her to go register with me… I want to get it done inbewteen my school semesters. We went to Bed Bath and Beyond and started at it. We were actually enjoying ourselves and getting along. I was ecstatic. Right in the middle of this she decides to have her brother meet us there ( he was home for the holidays from college) and says we should leave and finish online. I told her I didnt’ want to pick out linens and pillows online so I was going to finish. I was so hurt that I didnt even want to continue with her there! Needless to say she left me in the store with tears in my eyes. I sucked it up and finished halfheartedly alone.
I am incredibly hurt at how my feelings don’t seem to matter. I can’t even tell you how embarrassed I was at the store making up some lie why I was finishing on my own.
This isn’t how it is supposed to be!!
Sometimes I want to cancel the wedding but to lose out all that money…. I know frivolous but it crosses my mind… I would have to pay 3000.00 more dollars just to cancel our venue…
Post # 3
Are the only options “wedding” or “break up?” If you stopped planning the wedding now, do you think things would be good between you again? Could the two of you maybe go away for a night (or even out for a long dinner) and really talk about this? Do you think she doesn’t want to get married? Or is it that the stress of the finances/wedding are too much for her? I think you two really need to sort out what the real problem is…
Post # 4
Have the wedding. You’ve been together 9 years, so you obviously get along great and are the love of each other’s lives.
She is behaving like a typical groom so to speak. To alot of men/people, it’s just not their thing. Planning a wedding seems like a frivilous waste of money to her right now ~ but I guarantee your wedding day will be fabulous and she’ll be incredulous and appreciative that you put together such a fun day.
My fiancee and I have been together for almost 9 years. Trust me, I’m doing all the talking and planning, but I know when he is surrounded by friends and family on that day he will have a great time. Once I can commit him to a date that is……grrr…..
Don’t let her get you down. Plan away. Have fun doing it. She’ll finally have fun at the wedding.
Post # 5
Those are the only two options…
She is too embarrassed to cancel the wedding and stay together…. I would be hurt and resentful if she can give me forever but not take my last name.. Sound silly? Maybe it is, but I truly want a marriage.
I tried to the whole not planning the wedding thing and think that I need to do it again…
The stress and finances are too much for her to handle..I think that we have been down this road before and somehow pulled through this..I almost feel that the wedding pushed to take each other forever or realize it wasnt’ meant to be for lack of better words.
A night away.. sounds great and Im positive we would get along, but I feel like we would end up right back to where we started.
Post # 6
If you’re at a stage when it’s either wedding or break up, I would say break up. But dude, wedding planning is hard on both partners and I can say that from experience. I never fought more with my husband than I did during the planning. He didn’t care about any of the wedding stuff except for the marrying me part and it was so hard for him to try care about any of it. As far as he was concerned, this was MY thing and he left me to it, leaving me to become entrenched in the total type A basketcase that I now know I can be. It was ROUGH. He didn’t understand why we needed to feed all these people or give them chairs to sit on or why we had to have a DJ or a photographer and most of all why it all had to cost so much! I mean, he REALLY REALLY didn’t get it and we had so many arguments about it, many of which included me red-faced and screaming in frustration.
So this is my advice, as a fellow bride who’s been through the war and won. Take a step back. Your wedding is not until August. You’ve got 8 months. Let it go for a month. Re-evaluate your relationship with your fiance. Reconnect with each other over something that isn’t your upcoming wedding. If you can guys can find a way to bring those pre-wedding planning feelings back, I say move forward. If you can’t, then at least you know and you can stop dumping your money into a lost cause. I have to say though, I strongly suspect that what’s happening here is the same thing that happened with me and my husband. A case of the wedding planning crazies. There’s a reason why most brides are SO HAPPY it’s over!
Post # 7
Oh you poor dear. If I try to see her side to it I would think that the wedding isn’t important because she already knows yall are together. But to see your side I agree she shouldn’t have left you in such a state. Maybe she’s apprehensive about it but being together for so long maybe she thinks that the wedding part isn’t necessary, perhaps she isn’t religious? I don’t know. BTW…good for you in planning a wedding. I can only imagine that she feels the wedding is an unnecessary expense when yall have been together for so long, maybe she feels like it’s a ‘test’ of some kind. I think that anything involving same sex marriage should have the same rights as male/female marriage, but if it’s not recognized by the state, it’s a waste of money. If yall are together in heart then who cares what the legal system says. I don’t think she doesn’t care about your feelings, maybe you should talk to her and see what her feeling are on the matter.
Post # 8
What if you brought up the subject of eloping? Would she be happy with that idea? If so, then it’s the big wedding planning craziness and expense that is getting to her. If she doesn’t want to elope then maybe there is more to it.
Would you be okay with eloping? Or having a small destination wedding, then maybe a big bbq type party this summer?
Post # 9
Not sure what my next step is… but I can’t tell you how much it means to hear I am not the only one dealing with these issues!!
I LOVE WEDDINGS.. she often says I want a wedding not a marriage.. and of course I respond … I have a marriage I want a wedding lol
But I guess I need to put the wedding aside for a month… although I feel like that will kick me in the ass later if we decide to have it, and try to reconnect. Maybe start with speaking terms UGH!
Post # 10
She is totally against a destination wedding… I am against eloping ahhh it never gets easy does it!??
Post # 11
Aw. 🙁 I feel you, my fiance had zero interest in helping me plan the wedding either, but then he’d turn up his nose at some of the things I’d decided without him. We’re set up for a no-win situation!
What you could try is asking her to take on only one or two tasks (like music or the cake), and take care of the rest on your own or with a friend. Oooor, if you really, really want her to be involved as much as possible, do what I did and narrow every decision down to two or three options, then ask her to help you choose. Just make sure they’re options you love, too. It was a lot less overwhelming for my fiance, and I even got to be surprised by some of his selections!
And I agree with the PP who suggested spending some time together without any wedding talk. I know it’s easy to get wrapped up in wedding wedding wedding, which is taking up so much of your time, but once in a while try to be the person your fiance fell in love with, rather than the Wedding Planner version of yourself. 🙂
Post # 12
You have been together for almost a decade – I would seriously take a step back and just breathe because it is not worth throwing away almost a decade of a loving relationship over wedding planning fights.
If your fiance wants nothing to do with the wedding planning, then maybe you should listen and not ask for her opinion or involve her anymore. While that may sound overwhelming and perhaps unfair because you will be doing all the work, peace in your relationship, IMO, is more important. I believe you deserve to have the day you’ve been dreaming of, but then again, so does she. I think you need to sit down and have a very open dialogue about how you are both feeling. You speak and she needs to open herself up to you, and then she speaks and you open yourself up to her. Once you both have a total understanding of the other’s feelings, then you decide how you can compromise and come to an understanding about this issue. She may not 100% get what she wants, and you may not either, but the compromise means that you both win in the end and so does your relationship.
Post # 13
@LBalazi: I agree with previous posters that you should spend some time together without focusing on wedding planning. I can tell from your posts that having a wedding with your friends and family present (along with the dress, the dancing, etc.) is really important to you. Yes, the marriage is more important than the wedding (by far!), but you shouldn’t have to give up on your dream wedding just so you and your fiance will stop arguing.
I definitely understand that wedding planning isn’t for everyone. I was honestly not even a little excited about the prospect of planning a wedding when my fiance proposed, but you know what? I’m actually starting to have some fun with it. Sure, it’s stressful and costs a ton of money … But I use looking for inspiration/ideas, using sites like WeddingBee, etc. as a way to unwind after work (or pass time if I’m just feeling bored).
My fiance has actually been very involved in the wedding planning process, but I think that’s because he’s the one who initially wanted the big wedding. He’s definitely not the kind of guy you’d expect to enjoy this sort of thing, but he’s helped me make all of the major decisions so far (he will not, however, be helping me choose my dress!). It sounds as though she initially wanted to be involved in the wedding planning … I’m wondering what changed. Do you think it’s really just that she’s nervous about the cost? After taking some time away from wedding planning, you should discuss this with her. I think it’s worth it to know why she had such a change of heart after the initial excitement.
Post # 14
Does she want to marry you? Wedding aside, does she want to have a marriage with you?
My DH was similar to PPs, he wanted to be married, just not have a wedding. Maybe the wedding is bringing up her fears about forever or what “being a wife” means. I would highly recommend reading the blog ‘Practical Wedding’. Lots of talk about redefining what ‘wife’ means.
Post # 16
@LBalazi: if you’re options are get married or break up you probably shouldn’t be getting married.