(Closed) To invite or not invite when abuse is involved..

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
3697 posts
Sugar bee

If you can, I would really try to forgive 14-year old Lindley for making that remark. Yes, it was horribly, horribly insensitive – but how many 14-year-olds are emotionally mature enough to process that? Especially when it was her father. That’s a lot of divided loyalties to grapple with, and I can understand how horrible that must have been for both of you. Of course it’s easier for someone distant from the situation to understand her perspective, naturally it’s much more wounding to you, but if you can forgive her for saying something regrettable when she was overwhelmed by something really difficult to handle, I think that would be good for both of you.

Whether or not you want to address the elephant in the room with her now is a question only you can answer. I think it would be a beautiful goodwill gesture to invite her if you can handle doing it. As you say, not inviting her could well be a relationship-ender.

I wish you well in this difficult situation.

Post # 4
Member
502 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

WOW ((HUGSS)) that is a really complicated situation. Would seeing her on your big day bring back terrible memories and emotions? I don’t really have much advice, but I would think about the feelings that would be stirred up by seeing her on the big day. Have you talked to a therapist about this?? Maybe they could offer more insight.

Post # 6
Member
289 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I personally wouldn’t invite her, considering it may also upset your mother. I understand your desire for a sister, but in the end, a sister who isn’t loyal to you isn’t a sister at all. I think you’re better off with your BMs as your representation of girlfriends.

Post # 7
Member
1026 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

๐Ÿ™ I can sadly really relate to your story… My advice is to not give up on her, you never know when people turn around. She might be feeling a lot of shame and guilt over what happened to her, and also her part in the abuse, and that is why she reacted the way she did towards you… She may come around when she heals more and reach out to you. As hard as it is… I would invite her. 

Post # 8
Member
1849 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

OP, I’m curious whether you feel like you’re missing out on a great relationship you could actually be having with her right now, or if you’re nostalgic for the relationship you two used to have and could have had if not for her father. I know there have been many times when I had tried to reconnect with someone only to realize that the reason I did it was nostalgia, and I should have known that the relationship could not be brought back. It’s hard to tell how close you two are right now from your post, but it seems like many years have passed and she might be a completely different person. I don’t want to be harsh but is it possible that ship has sailed? 

If, on the other hand, you do have contact with her somewhat regularly or recently, and you do see the potential for a great relationship with this grown-up version of her, I would bring up your idea to your mom to test the waters. Explain how you feel, but let her know that how she feels about it is also very important. 

Post # 9
Member
807 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@MissOtter:  Personally I would cut all ties with her as she is one big link to your former step-father. 

You need to look to the future and completely put the past behind you and you won’t be able to do that if this girl is still hanging around. You should really get it into your head that she is nothing to you anymore.

Post # 10
Member
3947 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

You’re not messed up in the head at all.  Anyone in your shoes would be feeling the same exact way.

In my opinion, no matter what she said to you, she has most likely experienced what you did for many many years and it was her way of coping.  That poor girl.  If anything, she needs you.  Maybe strengthening your relationship could help both of you heal?

I would invite her if you feel comfortable enough.

Post # 11
Member
1359 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I think her denial is probably a coping mechanism to mask her own pain. You’re right to think that if her father abused you, he probably abused her as well, but she may not be ready to deal with those emotions or prefers to push them away.

But you have to ask yourself what would be the best thing for you–pushing her away as a method of suppressing your trauma, or trying to maintain a relationship so that you can try work through your issues together? I don’t know if it will be possible to maintain a relationship that is anything but a polite acquaintanceship without eventually airing some of the feelings related to your past. She may respond to your attempts to address the elephant negatively by ultimately pushing you away or becoming angry, but that is her choice. 

Out of curiousity, do you still have communication with any of her siblings? Have you tried talking with your mother about it, since she obviously knows about what happened and did the right thing to keep this man away from you? 

I’m so sorry your traumatic past is still haunting you, but I hope that your wedding is full of the joy you deserve no matter what you decide!

Post # 13
Member
1849 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@HerNameWasLola:  I think you should definitely consider reaching out one more time and addressing what happened, just to see if anything good can come of it. But you do have to be prepared for the possibility that she’s not ready or interested in coming to terms with the past, and you should let that be your closure on this relationship. On the other hand, if she is receptive, then you can take a fair shot at a future relationship. As it is right now, I wouldn’t invite her to the wedding unless you manage a breakthrough in your relationship. It sounds like your loved ones would be hurt or upset. And I know it seems impossible to start that conversation, but you should just bite the bullet and get that first sentence out (however jumbled or vague it may end up being), and I bet the rest will flow. 

Post # 14
Member
701 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

This is tough. How close are you now? Could you text her and see if she would be interested in coming?

Post # 15
Member
1064 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

i can relate.. a little..how do you think you would feel seeing her on your wedding day, dressed up as a bride? Do you think you’ll look at her and smile, with happyness, or will you feel awkward? I think i would feel awkward..and so i probably wouldn’t invite her..but of course that’s just complicated me!!!

Post # 16
Member
1094 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Before you invite her, I would ask her out for tea or something and talk about what happened. Address that big pink elephant.  It might be another step towards healing for both of you.  And depending on how that conversation goes, you’ll have your answer as to whether you want her there or not. 

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