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Not to get all etiquette-y (I hate when people try to throw etiquette in your face to get you to do something you don't want to do, whether it makes sense or not), but this did remind me of something that resonated with me when I read Miss Manners Guide to Painfully Proper Weddings. Miss Manners' position on the guest list is that before you make any decisions about your wedding, you need to first make a list of all the people who should reasonably expect to be invited. I think family tops that list. Sure, if you didn't want to invite your fifth cousin that you've met one time when you were six, that would not be a big deal, but your half-siblings probably have a reasonable expectation that they'll be invited.
I really liked her position on this because it put things into perspective for me a lot. If I wanted a small wedding, I could have a destination wedding, but if I was going to have it in my hometown, there was no way to cut our guest list without hurting a lot of feelings. I didn't want to start our marriage on a basis of hurt feelings and cutting people out of our lives. Obviously, we have a much bigger guest list than I had hoped, but it's great that we get to be surrounded by people who love us on our big day.
You said that you are paying for the wedding so you don't feel pressure to invite everyone your family knows. Well, your father's children are more than just some people he knows. They're his *children*. No, you don't have to invite his coworkers, golf buddies, bridge partners, and his favorite waiter at his favorite restaurant, but I wouldn't exclude his kids. Your parents have reestablished a relationship with them and they may hope that you will one day, too. If you don't invite them, you're probably eliminating any possibility of that happening, and damaging your relationship with your father big-time.
just limit to your closest family
invite the half sibling s but not their kids, just tell you have only so many you can invite; it'll give more room to invite other guests your closer to and include FFIL and father's family
just compromise
I should add, I'd probably just tack the extra people on and not cut my friends off the guest list.
I would normally say keep it as it is, but considering how upset your families are.... I'd invite them and ask for some financial help, if thats the real problem, to support the extra guests they want to be there. Weddings are an important family get together time.... especially for one thats trying to become closer than they had been in the past. Not inviting them would sort of hurt those efforts, you know? Who knows, maybe half of them wouldn't even show up for the same reasons you listed for not inviting them. It's the gesture, then that counts.
I'm pretty sure I'll be having those issues soon enough w/ my estranged step-family... so I totally know where you're coming from.
I was in a similar situation as you when I first started my wedding planning. My fiance has a million first cousins (ok, it's not a million, but he has a lot of relatives) and they're all very close. I have never been close to these people, in fact I have a cold and sour relationship with them. So, I did not feel the need to invite them to my wedding, especially since my fiance and I didn't want to go overboard with our budget.
However, a lot of peers pointed out to me that once the wedding day is done there are going to be hurt feelings lingering, and I will have to face these people on a regular basis because they have dozens of obligatory gatherings per month. I didn't want to create a perpetual uncomfortable situation for myself. So, I bit the bullet and agreed to invite every single one of them, including the kids whom I'd have to shell out $70 each on, for just a plate of chicken fingers and fries!
I will no longer have the wedding of my dreams, since my vision was for a small and intimate wedding. However, what's most important to me is that my fiance love each other, are in good terms and are starting off on a good foot. Also, everyone's happy and they can all shut up and stop worrying about not being invited.
Your situation, on the other hand, is quite different in the sense that you don't have to face your half siblings on a regular basis. You mentioned that you haven't seen them in 4-5 years and barely even talk to them. You shouldn't feel obligated, therefore, to invite their entire clan. Out of politeness you can send an invite to each of them and their partners, but you can indicate that the invitation is only for them and their partners and NOT the kids. This way, you get to appease your father and still show your half-siblings that they are important to you.
If they choose not to attend because you didn't include their children (which some people do), then at least you won't have in your conscience that you excluded them.
Best of luck!
I agree with mandalee0624....tell your father that if you invite them, he has to help pay for them. We are paying for our entire wedding...not to have control, though. It's fairly small, 70 ppl, because that's all we can afford. I know there are people, including family, that my parents would love for us to invite. But I've explained to them that we can't really afford it and since I don't see these people, I'm not cutting out friends that are important to us just to accommodate them. Since my parents can't afford to help out, they've been really understanding.
If money is the issue, the parents need to help out or stay quiet. If it's just that you don't feel close to all of your half siblings, I'd say invite all or none. If your parents are starting to get closer to them, they may eventually end up being a real part of your life. You don't want to start off with this hanging in the air.
Did I read it correctly that you aren't inviting either your father's SIBLINGS or your FFIL's SIBLINGS? I was a little confused, because you said you are excluding family from BOTH sides...
As far as your half siblings go, tally up how much it will cost to add extra tables, centerpieces, a plate of food, favors, programs, escort cards, etc. for just the half-sibs, then tally it up for adding their kids as well. Give that number to your dad: "Dad, it will cost $xyz to add them to the list but we cannot afford it. If you can pay this, then I will invite them." Maybe he doesn't realize how much it costs to add so many people! And these are people you don't know! I think that's the best route to go, and have your FI do the same thing with whatever family your FFIL wants to invite. You really don't want to estrange both people on one day. Just put those tables in the back of the room, and keep your good friends up front with you!
And no, I don't think you can invite just one sibling and not the others. With weddings, it's all or nothing!
Kind of complex. Firs,t I consider immediate family to be parents children and siblings. So I would think that includes your half siblings, but not necessarily their children. If their children are adults too, then they shouldn't have a problem journeying to your wedding without them, as well.
On the other hand if you'venever met them...(My husband didn't invite some of his half siblings he never met before either. Although I think it was a bit of a stickier wicket.) And I think if you ar footing the bill, and your dads want some of these folks invited they do need to put some money in. They can't just make you pay for extra people if you don't ahve the money!
Family is important for people. In some families it is their tradition to have everyone invited to the weddings. I think that might be the case here. I really would invite them. But if money is an issue, the your parents need to help out.
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Its unfortunate when family members demand that others attend, when they arn't helping to pay, so I feel you on that :) I agree with what a few others stated, you could just invite your half siblings, but JUST them, no spouses or kids.
I'm actually doing something similar, we are only inviting first cousins that are under the age of 18 (basically if one of our first cousins lives at home, they are invited) but no adult cousins. So basically, we are inviting all our aunts & uncles, just not their children if they are over 18. We had to do this or the list would of gotten out of control, all my cousins over 18 have kids and significant others, so we had to come up with a creative way not to exclude anyone and make a "blanket" statement as to who we we are inviting and not inviting. So plainly put, no adult cousins (that way nobody's feelings in particular wouldget hurt.)
Just a note- if you invite your half siblings, please invite their spouses. It is extremely rude to invite someone to your wedding but not invite their spouse. Also, if you're inviting other peoples' kids, I think it would be rude not to invite theirs. If you're not inviting any kids, it's a different story, but you can't treat one guest differently from another.
I think you're making a huge mistake not inviting your half siblings. It's not like they are step-siblings. They're your father's other children...he is half of them, just like he is half of you. IMo, you have to invite them, no matter what the cost would be. Now, why aren't you inviting your FIL's family?
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Thanks so much for all the comments!! I'm going crazy over here trying to figure it out.
Just to clearify...
I don't see my sibslings in any holiday occasions or pretty much for any reason.
My FI and I have been dating for 8 years and he has never meet any of my siblings and they live about an hour away from us.
We don't talk to each other or call each other mainly I think because of the age difference.
My parents don't have the means to help us pay for anything otherwise this wouldn't be a problem.
My inlaws don't have the means either and I think my future father-in-law is fine not inviting his side of the family since we are excluding everyone so that no one gets hurt. (He has a HUGE family and this wedding can easily turn into 500 people with just his family.)
As I had mentioned before I come from a big traditional Mexican family and my FI has a HUGE Guatemalan family.
I like the idea of only inviting my siblings and their spouses but I don't know how there kids are going to react to this since they are mostly adults and they still live at home. I think this is a Latino thing.
I am completely with you on the etiquette thing that's one of the reasons I'm even considering inviting them at all.
I have been talking to my mom about this and now I think I have to have a serious discussion with my father. I tried talking to him about it earlier in the year and he was extremely upset about it.
I will keep you posted on what I decide to do.
Thank you!!
UPDATE!!!
So, here is what heppened...
My mom talked to them before I sent out the invites and told them that it was going to be a small wedding and that I was ONLY inviting them and their spouses.
They were fine with the idea of a small wedding and that they were just happy to get invited.
I sent out the invites to my half-siblings and their spouses.
Throughout this process my mom kept them updated on how small the wedding was going to be.
This week I received the RSVP back that I had sent to 3 of my sisters and their husbands.
The RSVP said 3, 5, and 7 people would be attending. If I do my math correctly that would mean that they added 8 people.
I contacted my parents this week and today they told me that after speaking with one of my half-sisters about them adding more people all my others siblings have decided that they are NOW too busy to attend my wedding.
It turns out that when they found out it was going to be at the Cheesecake Factory all of a sudden they ALL wanted to come. This means that all my nieces and nephews and their girl/boyfriends. Yep, everyone wants to be invited now. Let me remind you that I haven't spoken to them in years.
Instead of telling their grown children that they weren't invited they decided to be childish and not come at all.
My dad is annoyed that they are acting this way and doesn't want them here now.
My mom is upset that they agreed to it at first and then decided to change the number in the RSVP. She is also annoyed that they think I'm stuck up and that they can't understand why we are having a small wedding.
I think it's funny that this promblem is taking so long to fix.
My FI thinks they will ALL show up.
So what do you think?
Should I go to my other guestlist and fill in the spots since they have made it clear that nobody will be attending now.
I agree with KateMW. Invite your father's other children. It's only about 30 more people. Cut out an appetizer. DIY flowers. Cut and snip somewhere here and there to make it happen budget wise.
Trust me, they won't all be able to come. And, if they do attend, they will help out because the culture there is different, not like in US where everything is isolated. I bet they'll be so tickeled to be invited, that they will help out where they can if you are doing more DIY's.
So, put a smile on your face...and invite them. Never burn your bridges.
Keep us posted and let us know your final decision! Best of Luck and Happy Day!
After reading these comments, I feel as though I am a true terrible Bride-zilla. I am only inviting my immediate family not including my nieces or grandparents from my mom's side. It's too much of a financial investment for me to pay for them to be there and then have them not show up or show up 2 hrs late as they already do to everything. I would be heart broken/furious to see their table empty knowing i have excluded other people who mean so much more to me.
I applied the same rule to family that I applied to friends. If you have not phoned/IMed/Emailed/texted me in the past year to see how I am doing, then you are not invited.
I think this wedding is past, is it not? Anyway, I'm sure other peopl ehave the same problem.
I'm sorry to say this, but I will. "It is, what it is." Half or whole, they are family.
How about getting married with a small intimate number of people with a small reception.
Then wear the dress again, invite everyone...cousins, aunts, uncles, kids, and do a pot luck. Rent out a VFW hall, of American Legion Hall, church hall, or Elks Club, and have a ball. Have a cash bar and be done with it. Just pay for the hall and DJ.
Make it clear it is pot luck. Mexican people are very generous and you will have plenty of food, lots of fun.
What do you think?
I guess your wedding has past, but my answer is you invite those people you want. It's one day. They will get over that they weren't invited and if you never talk to these people, why would they expect an invite? Have you even met or do you have any relationship with these half relatives? If the answer is no, then why would you invite complete strangers?
On a personal note, I invited my estranged "bio" father last minute to my wedding as a nice gesture, and REGRET it to this day. I no longer talk to him either. After talking 5 minutes on the phone, he assumed that his wife's kids who he raised, were invitied and even put one on the phone who apologized they couldn't come. This is someone I've never had any relationship with, and met 2x when I was 8. HUH? An invite was never extended to them and I think it's quite nervy and ignorant to assume I would be inviting complete stragners to my wedding. If he did say "oh yeah they are coming with me" I would have had no problem telling him they are NOT invited. You have who you want at your wedding and these siblings aren't your immediate family unless I'm missing something here? I also have to disagree with anyone who defines family as every biological relative you have floating around. To me, family is based on relationships I would never use the word family to describe my father's other kids who had no part in my life for the past 30 years and I don't know from a hole in the wall, but that's me.
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Hello there ladies...
I have a HUGE dilemma so here goes. I come from a very traditional big Mexican family and I am having trouble with our guest list. We planned on inviting between 115-120 ppl but that does not include some of my immediate family. Let me clearify this by saying that when my father married my mother he was widowed and had 7 children. When I was born all my half siblings lived in Mexico and I was unaware that they even existed. It wasn't until I was about 11 or so that I learned that I had siblings. My whole life I was told that I was an only child well at least that is what my mom said to me. Now the problem is that I am not close to my half siblings at all. I haven't seen them for about 4-5 years and even before that I didn't really talk to them. When I told my parents that I did not intend to invite them to my wedding they flipped out. They said that it would be better if I didn't have a wedding at all rather than to exclude my half siblings. These past few years my father has been getting closer to his other children and my mom has also been spending a lot more time with them. They are all much older than me and my nieces are either as old as me or older. I would love to invite only one of my half sisters and maybe her family but my parents said that wasn't fair to the rest. If I include one sister then I have to add about another 30 people (give or take ) to the guest list. I feel like I am being torn in different directions. If I stick to my original guestlist then my FI and I are happy. If I chose to invite only one of my half siblings then the I run a chance that she will not even come. If I don't invite any siblings my father will not only be hurt but dissapointed as well. One of the reasons we are paying for the wedding ourselves is so that we don't feel pressure to invite everyone our family knows but now I'm stressing out about this.
Just to keep things fair we are also not inviting anyone in my future father-in-laws family. Both fathers will not have any family there and both are upset.
What should I do?
Would you feel guilty of not inviting your half siblings?
Would you cut friends you are close to for blood relatives to attend your wedding?
Please let me know your thoughts...
Thanks!!