Post # 1
So heres the deal…My FI and I recieved an invite to a wedding the other night. My FI’s name wasn’t even on the invite, he was listed "and Guest". The person who sent me the invite knew we were engaged and have been living together for 3 years and we have all hung out and partied together, so she knows his name….
Anyways, I opened the invite and it was a simple card stating the time of the ceremony and then the time of the dance (6 hours inbetween) with no mention of a reception. I thought this was a little odd, and to make it seem more odd was that there was no information regarding where to respond. So later in the evening I went online to see that the person who sent me the invite was online as well, so I sent her a message thanking her for the invite and politely asked her where and how we could reply/respond. Her response was "I only sent response cards for those who I wanted to attend the reception". I was floored. I responded by saying "ok" then went offline.
I called my MOH who has met this person and explained the situation and asked for advice as to what I should do. I had her and her FI on our guest list for our wedding and I was also invited to her shower. My MOH thinks I should boycott the whole thing and not go to any of it and take her off my list. I feel that I should do the same as well, but what does everyone else think about this situation?
Post # 3
I am in the camp that it is unbelievably, extraordinarily, unbearably, impossibly rude to invite someone to your wedding ceremony but not your reception.
I cannot believe that your friend hasn’t come across anyone discouraging such behavior.
I know you’ll probably get a lot of people telling you not to boycott the wedding if you care about your friendship with this person, and to invite them to yours, but I’ve got to be honest and say I’d have a hard time doing that. I’d not go, definitely not send a gift, and I’d take her off my guest list. And if she asked why- I’d tell her.
Post # 4
Wow. Your friend has zero manners. I also believe that if you can’t afford to invite everyone to the reception, then you either don’t invite them to anything or you scale back your reception. To pick and choose like that is wrong. Unless you’re doing an LDS wedding and you only get invited to the Open House or something like that, but that’s a WAY different and totally acceptable situation. Also, the crappy invitation sounds awful, too! I mean, c’mon.
If you want to avoid sour grapes with her, I’d probably still invite her to mine (it’d be awkward running into her/hanging out with her all the time, right?) with her FI listed (almost in a way to be like ‘here’s how it’s supposed to be duh’) but I would probably not go to hers stating that I was busy or something. And if she asked, simply say that, "well I wasn’t going to go to a 30 minute ceremony with a 6 hour gap and show up for dancing if i wasn’t even invited to the rehearsal" or something to just drop the hint. Unless she has some really good, valid excuse for this. I’m just really against this. It’s like "yes come, bring a gift, but we won’t buy you dinner". Don’t bring a gift and don’t go to the shower, either. Just come up with "dres shopping" to do or something.
If you don’t care about maintaining a tension-less relationship, take her off your guest list and scrap it all. Don’t go to hers, don’t invite her, and just comment that we’re having a smaller weddinmg with the people most important to us. SNUB RETURNED!
Post # 5
That’s why I only invited people I wanted to both ceremony and to the reception, not in stages, feelings will get hurt when you do it in parts
Post # 6
I just took her and her FI off our list. My parents may also get an invite to this wedding, so if my parents get invited (to ALL of the evnts mind you) then by obligation I’ll have to invite her parents. So I’m hoping they won’t get an invite then I can cut them as well. It’s sad though because I’m pretty good friends with her brother, he is still on the list with his GF.
Post # 7
To offer the flip side perspective, I do actually know someone who has done that as well. His reasoning was that if people really wanted to help him celebrate his marriage, then the ceremony is the place for that. The reception, due to budgets and their desire for a smaller wedding where they could spend time with the guests, was then kept more intimate in size. Now, he said a lot of people DID get mad at him, but it was the best way to balance what he and his wife wanted for the day.
What does seem rude is the way she responded to you about only giving RSVPs to people she wanted at the reception. If her intention is to keep it small and intimate, she probably could have found a more tactful way to say that, such as explaining the reasoning behind her decision.
As for her attending your wedding, If you don’t have to decide right away, get some distance from the initial hurt/anger and then make a decision. Right now, I’d be right there with you in boycotting indignation. But, with a little time, you may either get more information from her that paints her decision in a more forgiving light, or you might at least come to peace with your decision not to invite her, knowing it was not made in anger.
Post # 8
Good for you! It was cheap and tacky what your friend did to you. I would take it as a sign of what she truly means of your friendship and consider it a stepping stone to moving on to people who value you more.
I wouldnt’ think you’d HAVE to invite her parents either. Maybe she’s just inviting a bunch of people to get gifts or something skeezy. I"ve learned that a lot of people who declined my wedding still send gifts
Post # 9
Wow. I’m glad you took her off your list. I’d tell your parents about it and tell them not to attend or send a gift if asked (and you don’t need to invite her parents). This really looks like gift-grubbing to me, especially because of her response when you asked about the RSVP. I can see how financial constraints could force someone into a position like that, but if that were the case, I think the reply would have been more like "We simply couldn’t afford to have a large reception, but we still really wanted to celebrate with you, so we were hoping you could come to the after-party." Hers was more "we didn’t want you there."
And if she asks why you didn’t invite her, you can say "We couldn’t afford to invite everyone we wanted, and we certainly didn’t want to be rude and just invite people to the ceremony." *evil grin*
Post # 10
Rhiannon – I really like your "evil grin" response…. I’ll have to keep that one under my hat…..
When I got the invite and got her response I called my mother, she couldn’t believe it and was in total shock. So she’s hoping she doesn’t get any type of invite from her. We both thought that it looked to be like a gift grab, espically becasue I was invited to the bridal shwoer as well, which I won’t be attending by the way…..
Post # 11
I think that <span class=”Apple-style-span” style=”font-weight: bold”>Yes it was rude the way she told you that she only send RSVP cards to the ones she wanted at the reception. There was difenetly a better way to tell you the situation (whatever that situation is – budget- capacity etc…)
If you are true friends with this person, I would simply talk to her and find out the reason’s for the way she is running her wedding. If you still feel upset about it and don’t want to attend her wedding – then thats your call. Just take the time to find out what her situation is….
Post # 12
Wow. Rude. I agree, if you want to have people celebrate your marriage, then there is no in between. I would probably still invite her to my wedding, but not attend hers. If she asks, I’ll tell her straight up, "I was under the impression that you didn’t want too many people there" Make her feel the dumb one.
Also — what I really don’t understand is if she invites your parents, then why oh why would you feel obligated to invite hers? This part I don’t get…
Post # 13
GaBBal- as for the whole parents thing, our parents as friends as well and they grew up together therefore in our small town it’s more of "if my parents are invited then I have to invite yours as well". It’s this feeling of obligation and small town politics.