To invite or not to invite: complicated family situation

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
117 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2000

@LadyMonster:  Your heart is in the right place but a public venue such as a wedding is no place to have this reunion.  You need privacy and time as this will be very emotional.  Consider as well that the youngest is underage and you are obligated to ensure the privacy and emotional safety for this young person.  Bless you for establishing a relationship but take it slow.

Post # 5
Member
1466 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@LadyMonster:  I think the PPs have good points, but it is still considerable that you might want them to be there. The PPs are right, it may be very emotional, on an already emotion-laden day. Is it possible for them to arrive a few days before your wedding to reunite? Certainly there would still be a lot of feelings afterwards, but you know yourself. What can you handle? 

Also, I don’t think it would be weird if you included their mother. I think it would be a lovely gesture. It does depend on how your family is. My FI has a pretty extensive immediate family- he has his father, his mother and step-father, two sisters, two step-siblings, and two half brothers. It is amazing to me to see that those titles don’t matter in his family. Family is family. I realize that family is different for everyone, but it just depends how you want to define it. Your siblings can be your family, and their mother can even be your family too! (if that’s what you want)

If you are worried that you will regret not being able to have them at your wedding, I would consider some of these possibilities. I think it would be a great idea to consult with a few people who you are comfortable with and who know you well and have your best interests in mind to see what is right for your situation. If you don’t have many people like that, then you could also find a counselor or psychologist to discuss it with. They can be really good and helping with exploring different options while facilitating your ability to decide for yourself. 

Post # 6
Member
1259 posts
Bumble bee

First, hugs to you. Hard decision to make. 

How far away do they live? If you want them there I would try to make the effort now…can you try to do a trip there for this reunion soon? It would be a very emotional day to begin with on top of having them there and seeing them again.  I would definitely make a connection with their adoptive family as soon as possible as well…that relationship can be a hard one to navigate. Though you are blood related and it wasn’t your decision to be separated from them…they are still fairly young, their mother/father may have a tough time may have a tough time accepting them just receiving and going to a wedding for their sister that they haven’t seen in so many years.  

I have an older brother that was placed for adoption 7 years before my parents met, married and I was born. We reunited when I was 14, but I cannot imagine having the face to face reunion at my own wedding. Too much pressure and stress.

Post # 8
Member
7203 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@LadyMonster:  I would invite them. I get that it’ll be emotional, but this is their only chance to see their big sister get married. I really think “We might get too emotional” is not a good reason not to invite them. 

I also like @nawella: ‘s idea of seeing if they can arrive a day or two before.

One of them is an adult, so I see no reason to invite their mother. (EDIT: That said, I see no harm in inviting her if it turns out the 16 year old can’t attend otherwise. If I was the mother (and I have kids about that age) I’d probably insist on travelling even if I didn’t attend the wedding).

Post # 9
Member
1040 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

I think that you should invite them but have the actual reunion part a few days in advance. As for inviting their mother – I don’t think you have to, but seeing as 1 is underage, why don’t you talk with the older of your 2 siblings and see what they think.

Post # 10
Member
2878 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I would invite them.  I think you will regret it if you don’t.  But I agree with PPs; it would be ideal for them to come a few days in advance so the reunion is not actually during your wedding.

Post # 11
Member
2419 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I think that wanting your brother and sister at your wedding is kind and thoughtful. However, I also think you have a great deal of groundwork to do first lest things go very wrong at the worst of all times. One of your siblings is underage so you will need to contact their mother. It may well be that she’ll want to accompany them but also, she may not want to allow the underage sibling to attend at all. 

Given that weddings are already stressful occasions, do you think this is the best time to engineer what will definitely be an extremely emotional reunion? Only I think you really need to meet ahead of the wedding.

 

Post # 12
Member
1090 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I would casually invite them during a normal conversation and have them think about it, have them ask their mom if it’s ok for them to go, and get back to you, preferably before invites are sent out.

If they are able to or if they want to attend, then I’d send them a real invitation.

I’m hoping their mom won’t have a problem with them attending, and I think she’ll respect the fact that you asked her “permission” before sending the actual invitation.

This all sounds very exciting, and I hope you get a chance to reunite with them soon, whether it be at your wedding or not 🙂

 

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