Post # 1
Me and my husband have been together for over 8 years and married for just a few months. We have both been sure during this time that we do not want children. We are extremely careful (use condoms always) and have always known that children was not what we wanted.
I have been on the BCP in the past but would really preferr not to be on it anymore, i just don’t like the idea of an unnecessary foreign substance in my body, plus it is just kind of a pain. That hasn’t mattered though as condoms have always worked for us.
Lately DH has found that condoms are interferring with his ability to perform. He has used the pull out method but honestly that just scares me so much as it is so un-reliable. I know this is impacting our sex life both because he is hesitant to have a less than stellar performance (if you know what i mean) And I am scared of not using any protection, hard to feel sexy when all you can think of is how afraid of having kids you are.
A few months back, my DH brought up getting a vasectomy. I immediately said no. I am not entirely sure why I said no. I have thought about it a lot and even though I know I don’t want children, I guess I have this niggling doubt “what if I regret it”. I think i always had this idea that we would be as careful as we could possibly be and if it somehow happened anyway than it was meant to be and we would deal with it. Having said that, I honestly don’t know if i would keep a baby or not if we ended up pregnant by accident.
Basically I feel strongly that I don’t want children but I am always afraid I will get old and regret that decision. When i think about what it would be like to have a child in my life, day in and day out, I hate the idea. DH is very sure he doesn’t want children, there is never any worry for him that he will change is mind.
I don’t even really know why i am writing this other than i guess I respect the bees and all the advice they give. Maybe someone has some insight that could help me make the decision. I just don’t know if I should let him get snipped or not, really it makes sense but I am scared to make such a final decision.
fyi I am 32 and he is 39
Post # 3
I don’t have much in the way of advice, but I have heard that vasectomies can be reversible. Maybe the two of you should talk with a doctor about it together, to make sure you have all the right facts.
Post # 4
I think if you and him have thought long and hard about it, and don’t foresee your opinion of having children change over the next 5-10 years, then he should go for it.
I don’t know much about the cost and risk of the procedure but that would probably affect my opinion of it as well. I too have heard it’s reversible.
Post # 5
@WillowTreeWade: only you two can decide that but it sounds to me like you aren’t entirely sure about not having kids…
Post # 6
Well ultimately it is his body, his choice, so it is not up to you to ‘let him get snipped or not’. But I think you should definitely have a say, if you aren’t entirely 100% sure you don’t want kids, I would hold off on the vasectomy and keep going on BC pills.
Post # 7
@WillowTreeWade: have you guys talked about what would happen if you do get pregnant? If not, I suggest you do that ASAP. Sounds to me like you aren’t sure, however, it sounds like your DH is very sure about not wanting children and might expect you to get an abortion. Would you be okay with that?
I personally think he should get one. He doesn’t want kids and he doesn’t want to use condoms. If I knew my husband was avoiding sex because he hates condoms, I would be searching for a different solution.
ETA: your title kind of rubs me the wrong way. It’s not up to you to “let” him do this. It’s his body so it’s hours choice. I think it’s great that he’s taking your opinion into account but it’s ultimately not up to you.
Post # 8
@Mokara: It’s true they are reversible but I know my husband would never have his reversed, I know the only way it would ever happen is if it happened by accident.
@highschoolhoneys: I am in Canada so there is no cost for the procedure. I work casually in a day surgery unit that does vasectomies so I am pretty informed on the risks and what not.
@MrsWBS: I guess I feel 99.9999% sure that I don’t, I am just scared that once the option is taken away I will change my mind!
Thanks for the responses. i know no one can make this decision for me, ometimes it’s just nice to have a sounding board I think
Post # 9
Have you considered the mirena coil. It’s actually as or even more effective than a vasectomy and it’s totally reversible. Only problem is that it can be a little technically difficult to insert in someone who hasn’t had children. On the plus side you often get lighter periods!
Post # 10
Like PPs have stated, if you aren’t 100% sure then I wouldn’t do it. I would probably think long and hard on the subject though so that you can make a definitive decision one way or another since its affecting your sex life.
Post # 11
@Jacqui90: You are right of course, it is totally his decision in the end. I don’t think it is the kind of decision he would make on his own though.
@MrsBeck: Yeah, I am leaning towards just doing the vasectomy. we have talked about what we would do and I know that he would most likely want me to get an abortion but would support what ever decision I made.
Post # 12
@MrsBeck: Yeah I can see how that would rub you the wrong way. I know it’s his decision but he seems to be leaving the choice really up to me. I know I don’t have ownership entirly over this decision though
Post # 13
@WillowTreeWade: I get where you’re coming from.
From very early on in life I’ve always known I didn’t want to have kids, the list of reasons is endless.
It was very important to me to find a partner that would not only fully understand what he was getting into, but that would also have no doubts that he didn’t want to have kids.
My fiance is the love of my life. He’s so kind and generous, and great with kids. He would be a great father, but he doesn’t want children, and he says the same about me.
I am 26, he’s 31. We’re waiting until after we get married to visit the doctor about him being a candidate for a vasectomy.
My brother, who has kids, had the procedure done. My oldest brother (36) doesn’t have any children and doesn’t want them either. So, in my family there is no stigma about not wanting to have children and closing out the option for more children.
I’m thinking this is where your doubts are coming from. It goes against the norm and what we have been taught from a very young age that it is something that we’re supposed to do. And something we should want.
I’m the same way. I’m 99.99999% sure I don’t want to have kids. But on occassion I will panic at the thought of something so final. But then after those moments of panic pass I know they’re just natural doubts anyone would have about such a serious life decision.
Now I don’t like to share this information much here on WB, but I had an abortion two years ago. It was an accident and I was on birth control at the time. Knowing that I had the opportunity to have one (“and just deal with it” as you’ve said) and chose not to, only confirms how I feel even more.
I just wanted to write in to let you know your doubts are completely normal when you choose to be childfree and to just give you some moral support.
Post # 14
@WillowTreeWade: My best friend got married 5 years ago and her husband had a vasectomy 15 years beforehand and he had it reversed after they got married.
It did take them about a year to get pregnant, BUT if you changed your mind it is reversible!
Post # 15
@petalpetal: Thank you for your thoughtful response. Yes, perhaps no matter how sure you are, these decisions are always a little hard since it is so final. i know they can be reversed but I also know my husband would never be talked in to reversing it so I have to think of this as a final decsion. I had an abortion as well when I was a teenager and although it was without a doubt the right choice for me, I would feel pretty bad doing it again I think.
Post # 16
I’d tell him to do it and be done with it. You said he has never wanted children anyway, so even if you conceived accidentally, what would happen? Would he expect you to terminate or would he go into parenthood willingly? Doesn’t sound that way, and even if YOU change your mind, what good does it to do have a less than willing partner?
Quick,easy,cheap and almost painless.