Post # 1
i am new to this, i just am looking for some advice! i saw some similar situations to what i am going through on this site… maybe someone here can help me figure out what to do?
i have been with my bf for almost 3 years and we have talked about marriage (i have brought it up not really his doing) and he has been asking me to move in with him for over a year now. i have resisted so far because 1) i kind of like having my own space, but mostly 2) i am scared that he will never propose to me if i just move in with him.
i asked my mom what to do and she told me that my dad was like that too, wanting to move in before they were engaged and they had only been together less than 1 year (but had known each other longer before that). anyway she told me she just said told him that she didn’t feel comfortable moving in with him unless they had more of a firm commitment. His response? Ok, lets get married, followed by a proposal shortly after.
So I said the same thing to my bf, and his response was that he did not want to ask me to marry him until he had a more secure job (after reading some of the stories on this site, i am beginning to think this was not so original…haa). btw, we are both finished school, i am 25 and he is 28.
lately i have been feeling really impatient, all of my friends (and his) are getting married but every time i bring it up, he says he wants to marry me, but that wants us to live togesther 1st… he says to him that is the next step and that it is important to him. and i always say that i don’t feel comfortable moving in with him until we are engaged.
we seem to be deadlocked and i don’t know if i should just give in and move in with him? i believe him when he says that he does want to marry me. he is super-stubborn and i am not, i don’t really care that much about living together without being engaged to be honest, other than i feel like it just makes it less likely that he will eventually propose.
i’d be grateful for any advice or if anyone else has been in this situation can you help me out?
thanks for letting me vent if nothing else!
Post # 3
I wouldn’t give in – I personally believe that will stall him even further.
Hold out for now, and try to have a real open conversation about your timelines. Do not give him an ultimatum, but a casual “Ideally I’d like to be engaged, or at least seriously talking about getting engaged by X time”. I’d make sure to make it an actual time and not an unclear deadline of whenever he gets a better job. Because with the economy the way it is, it could happen this year or it could be 5 years down the line. There’s no way to tell.
Post # 4
@mackenzee: Hi! I’m new too. Your story sounds oh so familiar! I’m 26, SO is soon to be 28. We’re both finished with school and I’m pursuing a master’s. However, he still feels not quite yet financially ready. Many men/couples may feel this way. We also came to a point of deadlock! I told him that we need to come to a compromise on everything. Our compromise led us to discussing engagement and even picking a ring. We will move in after engagement, but a little before the wedding, and we even chose a tentative wedding date and TTC date! This discussion did NOT come easy overall, since we are two different ppl. and had different ideas on the way things should be. But ultimately…its what we needed was to talk openly and get an action plan together. If I were you I would probably hold out longer until there is something more firm in place. For me, I have proof he is paying for a ring already, plus I’m waiting for the proposal. I would say get something more firm so you can feel comfortable and reassured.
Post # 5
Don’t move in. Live in your own space and keep living your own life. I think you would like yourself so much better in the end. I never moved in with my FI and we have been together for 5 years. I just moved my clothes to his house yesterday and I have so much more to bring over. I’m glad I didn’t, I think I would have just become his personal cleaning lady before I was ready to be one.
Post # 6
@Gingersnap: <– what she said.
Post # 7
The problem I had when moving in before a proposal was that I wanted to “show him what a great wife I would make” in hopes of speeding up a proposal. I’m embarrassed to admit it, but I played housegirlfriend for a long time–laundry, folding his clothes perfectly, making sure the house was kept up…etc. The longer it took for a proposal, the angrier and more resentful i got. We even bought a place together before being engaged, which was a hard pill to swallow (but in retrospect made a LOT of sense). I nagged for a ring for a while at first, he kept saying that he did want to marry me, but wanted finances in order first. Once I learned to stop nagging and just trust in him, I got my proposal 5 months after closing escrow on our home, then 13 months later got my wedding.
Do I think the proposal would have come sooner if I held out? Not sure. Every guy is different. Some stall, some don’t; what’s an excuse for some men, is a legitimate concern for others. Guess moral of the story is figure out whether you trust that your SO truly wants to marry you eventually, or whether you think he is stalling. If you trust him, then move in with him if that’s what you want to do…and tell anyone who gives you crap about “free milk without buying a cow” to go F themselves (politely, of course)
Post # 8
I would say definitely hold out. Plenty of people have gotten happily married without the move-in step. If he loves you and respects you, he’ll marry you anyway, regardless of living together or not. If you move in with him, I think that will slow things down, and it will probably make him lose respect for you on some level because he will see that you are willing to lower your standards for him. Guys don’t know it about themselves sometimes, but they love a chase and a challenge. You’re being a challenge for him by having high standards. Like I said, he will rise to the occasion if he is truly marriage material to begin with and will undertstand that it’s dishonorable of him to push you to violate your moral code. If he doesn’t understand, then maybe he just wants an uncommitted and easy relationship with a live-in girlfriend that’s going nowhere. I think that asking you to move in is just an excuse because — let’s face it — marriage is a big step. When he’s ready to get married, he prob won’t feel the need for playing house first, he’ll just want to get married.
Post # 9
DH & I moved in together RIGHT after we got engaged, because I pretty much told him I wouldn’t live with him without a ring. Anyhow, my perspective on the “living together” thing has changed quite a bit since we first started living together. At the time, I thought it sounded sort of fun to have him around all the time. I couldn’t of known how hard it is to live with a significant other… it’s definitely not all smiles and sunshine. (And it didn’t help that we were in a one bedroom apt.) We argued & fought a lot because neither of us were used to sharing a space with another person, and it really took a lot of work to figure it out. (Actually, we’re still figuring it out three years later) So, after going through it… I know why some older people are against it. In those moments where you get sick of fighting, or want to be by yourself, or whatever the situation is… I think it’s really good to have a solid commitment that you’re both there for good.
Post # 11
I went through that in my 20s and spent years waiting…he really didn’t seem interested in marriage because then we needed a new deck, then a new car, etc… But that guy I was with for my entire 20s was so wrong for me. I got pregnant for our son and he left us when he was 7 months old, so I retrospect, I was so glad we didn’t marry.
My husband and I did live together before marriage, but we were already wedding planning and engaged. I swore I wouldn’t move in with someone again unless we were definitely heading down the same track, and actively moving towards a goal.
Post # 12
Hold out. If you’re not comfortable moving in until you’re engaged, then you shouldn’t do something that’s going to make you doubt you, and be uncomfortable.
What would he say about a long engagement? There’s a compromise to be struck here — he proposes, and you wait until he has a “steady job” (whatever that means, in this economy) to get married, and you move in.
You need to be on the same page for this. There’s no rule that says that you’re the only one who needs to feel uncomfortable in your choice. You *both* should feel comfortable, and both should decide how that’s going to happen. But for me, I wouldn’t move in without a ring and a date.
Post # 13
I agree with everyone that says you guys should sit down and make some compromises. Btw ask him whats the difference between moving in without being finacially steady and getting married while not being financially stable? Essentially in my opnion there is nor difference, because you could have a smaller wedding if you were concerned about those costs. Whether you move in first, and get married scecond or the other way around, you still will end up sharing financial burdens together no matter how you slice it. I say follow your heart after the conversation. My FI and I have been together for 3 years and we decided to ditch our seperate apartments and move in with our parents until the wedding (May 19 2012) in order to save money. But keep in mind its a conversation that we had to have before making that decision, like you I wasnt going to live with anybody without a commitment, and like your boyfriend my FI wanted the experience of living together first…..We reached a MAJOR compromise, and I couldnt be happier! I think someone else said it, and I agree……NO MATTER WHAT DONT GIVE A CRAP ABOUT WHAT SOMEONE ELSE THINKS YOU SHOULD DO!!! WHEN IT COMES TO THEIR RELATIONSHIP THEY WILL DO WHAT PLEASES THEM, NOT YOU!
Post # 14
You’ve said he’s very stubborn and you are not, but it seems like a bad idea to me for you to just let him have his way. I just don’t really like the way he seems to be dictating that you have to move in with him before he is willing to marry you. What is that about?
Also, why do you have to move in with him? Would he be willing to move in with you? He is not having to make any sort of sacrifice here. Those are the real issues as I see them. If I were you I would want more information on all of this. I don’t like ultimatums though, and this kind of sounds like one to me.
Post # 15
When i moved in with hubs,we weren’t engaged, but I knew it would happen eventually. We were younger though, I was 21 and he was 23. I personally, would never marry someone I didn’t live with first, because I feel you can’t really know a person until you live with them. The engagement happened 2 years later, which was actually sooner than I thought it would, with zero pressure from me. We ended up having a 2 year engagement because I wanted to be close to graduating college, and we ended up getting married 6 months before I graduated. But, we knew that it would be the next step, and I knew he wouldn’t back out, but he also knew that there wouldn’t be pressure from me, unless it was close to graduation and he still hadn’t proposed, I might have put the heat on him then.
Personally, in your situation, I wouldn’t move in right yet. It seems like it might take him longer if you do. I agree with PPs, you should discuss the fact that you will not move in until an engagement happens, but I don’t know if I would give him a date. That seems to set some people up for failure, but then again, i don’t know how you guys operate.
Post # 16
Stay strong! Don’t give in or think it will change things. When he is “financially secure” and he is willing to marry you /actively pursuing you, then you can consider it.
I think you should wait till after you are married to move in 🙂