To move in or not to move in.

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
8425 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

I personally wouldn’t even consider marrying a person until I lived with them, but it all comes down to personal preference.  Some ladies won’t move in unless there is some sort of engagement in the works.  I guess I’ve always felt that if a guy wants to marry you, it doesn’t matter if you’re already living a married life; however, I’ve never been “waiting” (never even heard of the term until WB).

Post # 3
Member
291 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

You posted in “waiting”, so I’m assuming that means you are waiting on a proposal. Studies show that if you move in together before engagement, it delays the actual engagement. If you are hoping for an engagment soon and think that this next step will springboard the engagement, I don’t think you should move in together. If you are both comfortable with where your relationship is and on the same page 100% and are fine just living together and possibly lengthening the time before the engagement, then go for it. 

I personally wouldn’t move in with a guy until there was some sort of formal commitment. 

Post # 4
Member
1500 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Personally i wouldnt move before the engagement.

Post # 5
Member
8910 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

I also would never consider committing to spending my life with someone before living with them.  I think that’s when the veil really comes off (so to speak, ha!) and you see just how well you mesh as a couple.

Bexx:  I’d be interested to see these studies.  There are studies showing that couples who cohabitate have lower rates of marriage, but that (correlation) is not the same as causation (“delays the actual engagement”).  Those studies have a lot of social and demographic factors at play that contribute to the findings.

Post # 6
Member
851 posts
Busy bee

I would never get engaged to someone I hadn’t lived with O.o 

I’ve lived with a number of friends during college, and imo you have no idea how compatible you are with someone until you’re crammed into the same space with them 24/7. 

Post # 7
Member
949 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I wouldn’t marry someone I had never lived with before.  I also know guys who would never propose to someone they hadn’t lived with, so the answer to your question could also depend on what your SO believes.  If your SO is someone you want to marry in the future, why not?  You’ll have to live with them eventually if you do get married so why put it off and risk finding out you can’t live with them.  If your SO turns out to be terrible to live with, being engaged before living together won’t prevent that from happening

Post # 8
Member
28 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2015

If it fits with both of your beliefs, I recommend living with someone before engagement. It gives you the chance to really get to know someone intimately – their habits, true personality, everyday way of being. My FH and I got an apartment together VERY quickly (like two months in) to avoid having to live an hour apart, because we felt so strongly for each other. Five years of building our relationship and working out issues has made us a strong team and has put us in a secure place. I feel like we both know each other inside and out and there will be no surprises once we are married. Talk to your man and see how he feels!

Post # 9
Member
5279 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2009 - New York, NY

I would wait until we are engaged and with a clear marriage timeline.

Post # 10
Member
2116 posts
Buzzing bee

zcuriousbuzzybee:  Well i am only 3 months in, so I am not sure i have enough experience to answer this question :p

But so far, i am absolutely loving it. I enjoy even the mundane things such as planning meals and grocery shopping. We were already spending most nights together, but it is still so different moving in. It truly takes your closeness to an all new level and just this past weekend he told me that next year would be our year and we were looking at ring designs online!

I think it is different for everyone though, if we had moved in when he originally wanted to (less than a year in!) i am not sure if we would have made it. We moved in the week before our 3rd anniversary, he knew all my bad habits and how messy i really was LOL. although i do admit i have been trying to keep up a little more on my tidying, but it isnt that i am hiding my mess, its that i dont want him to have to do it lol. But i believe you have got to go in as yourself.

We also went in knowing that marriage would be in the future. This is something you need to discuss, if you have not already so that the topic doesnt present a problem later. Some girls see this is a step before marriage and some guys see it a trial period wioth no guarantee of marriage so you just want to make sure you are on the same page. 

If you guys are at a good place in your relationship (because moving will not fix anything) and can handle the financial responsilibility, i say go for it!

Post # 11
Member
2169 posts
Buzzing bee

zcuriousbuzzybee:  I wouldn’t move in with someone unless I was engaged, but I would spend several nights a week at their house together and several nights at mine together. The reason I bring this up is in the worst case scenario (things don’t work out), you’ll want to have your own place and not be locked into a lease with someone you no longer want to live with.

I’m not in a situation where I’d have money to drop on potentially paying out a lease while moving into a different apartment or to cover double rent, so this is a less risky financial alternative that I’m comfortable with. In addition to that, I’m a very independent person and there are some freedoms that I think couples give up once they officially move in together that I wouldn’t want to give up for someone I don’t realistically see myself marrying.

I haven’t had difficulty living with anyone I’ve screened to be a good friend in the many years I’ve had roommates and as I said I prefer to spend significant amounts of time with my SO without having just one apartment, so I don’t think I’ll have too much difficulty once we do move in together.

Post # 12
Member
1158 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Bexx:  Which studies are these? I have read about studies like the ones lolot:  mentioned, and agree that those conclusions are much more reflective of many factors than they are of just solely whether the couple lives together before marriage. “Studies” also show that couples where one or both parties hold advanced degrees are less likely to divorce, but people don’t go typically factor that into their decisions to go get that masters degree or not.

Additionally, how could there ever even be a truly scientific study on whether or not cohabitation delays an engagement? It would have to rely very heavily on polling men and asking them when they would have proposed had they not cohabitated vs. when they actually did propose after having cohabitated, which in and of itself could never be an observable fact.

I agree with others that there is no way on this planet I would consider making such an important, life altering, happiness-making-or-breaking decision such as marriage before knowing something so basic yet impactful as how it is to live with that person before seeing that first hand for myself. I do however, believe there is a right and wrong way to go about as a woman for whom marriage within the not so distant future is important.

Wrong — any of (or combination thereof) the below are present:

  • Man refuses to discuss his views on marriage
  • man outright says he does not want marriage
  • man appeases woman about the subject of marriage but backpedals any time a chance arrises to make a move towards it, big or small
  • man and woman have never discussed future goals/marriage to see if they are on the same page but woman is scared to bring it up and would rather just assume it will happen
  • man and woman have never discussed future goals/marriage to see if they are on the same page but man talks about it in general terms, so woman just decides to assume he means that general future he wants is with HER
  • man and woman have had discussions about the future and marriage but really aren’t on the same page. woman, citing, “but i love him” ignores that fact and hopes she can change his mind

…..and the woman decides to move in anyway

Right:

  • man and woman have a solid dating relationship where both parties are up front and honest about their life goals, including marriage, and it is found between the two of them that they are in fact on the same page regarding the matter. they discuss ballpark ideas on when in life each of them sees themselves getting engaged/married, and again it’s found they are on the same page. Recognizing making a home together is a whole other ball of wax than just dating, they decide to merge households and live together as another step along the path towards marriage, and communication remains open during cohabitation.

So to answer the question, I would make sure that the moving in is part of a much bigger conversation and plan that involves the decision to move forward in life together, and is not just a convenience for one or both of you or is a “second prize” or appeasement for one of you if you guys are not on the same page.

And the above is my opinion only for women who do want to get married and see that as something important for them within the next 2-5 years or so…some people are fine to cohabitate without marriage on the table and that’s cool. The bottom line is always making sure each partner is on the same page and cohavitating shouldn’t have a negative impact on whether or not you get married or divorced.

Post # 13
Member
8035 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

I was a waiting bee too. I refused to give up my lease with out an engagement… And 15 months after meeting he proposed. I moved in last month so were adjusting and planning the wedding. If any unbearable truths come out we still have time to learn that before the wedding.

I am 100% convinced my engagement happened so fast because I wouldn’t move in with out it. Ive seen SO MANY friends and bees think moving in = imminent proposal and it tortures them waiting for YEARS. You lose all the cards you hold when you become the wife with none of the security or benefits And he gets complacent. Why get married when life is exactly how he likes it? 

so DO NOT move in if it’s a priority for you to be engaged in the next few years. 

Post # 15
Member
535 posts
Busy bee

polyblonde:  It doesn’t seem as if you understand how experimental research works.

Leave a comment


Sent weekly. You may unsubscribe at any time.

Find Amazing Vendors