(Closed) To pay or not to pay?

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
3369 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I would say anywhere from $50-$100. 

Congrats! Have a beautiful wedding day! 

Post # 4
3303 posts
Sugar bee

Definitely $100- 150, since they are a pastor. Happy wedding day!

Post # 5
575 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@armychica06:  Agree with $100 – $150+ for a pastor. He plays a big part in your day!!

Post # 6
1696 posts
Bumble bee

My dear, it is terrible, terrible manners to pay off your friends. You have been misadvised.

Etiquette acknowledges two separate spheres of public life: the business sphere and the social sphere. There are good manners for each sphere, but they do not mix. When you pay a service-provider you are not prompted by good manners, but by the terms of servicI you have agreed to. When you “tip” someone else’s employee who has provided you with personal service it is to reinforce that, despite the personal nature of the service and the fact that you are not her direct employer, it is still a business relationship and not a friendship that would allow liberties to be taken. If you tip the pastor, you are signalling that you do notconsider him your friend or your equal.

One of the basic rules of give-and-take between well-bred people is “a simple thank-you will suffice. You should never appear to be trying to compensate with material pay-back for a frined’s kind gesture. However, you may certainly be inspired to make a kind gesture in return. In this case, a donation to the church designated to the pastor’s ministry fund or discretionary fund would be appropriate. Do not skimp on this offering. If you give a tawdry amount it is more insulting than giving nothing. How much are you spending on your bouquet? Certainly no less than that.

Post # 7
990 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Well here is what we are doing. It is common to pay the pastor however if he is a friend this can be akward. Fi and I are getting married in my church (Catholic) by my priest… and his pastor (Baptist)… who happens to be his dad. In our church there is normally a “donation” so we will be donating to the churches. Its a tax write off too. i would donate you friends church or a charity you know he supports in his name. It comes off as a thoughtful gift without being rude.

Post # 8
1628 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Usually if you are a member of the congregation you are not really “paying” the officiant but making a donation to their church/synagogue/mosque/whatever and is used as any other donation rather than, say, buying the pastor some new shoes.  Usually there is no rule about it but it’s sort of like the “suggested donation” at a museum.  After talking to some people, at least in my area, the “suggested donation” is $100-$200.

Post # 9
98 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

We paid our pastor $200 and paid for his hotel room for 2 nights since he had to travel 3 hours to our wedding site. We didn’t know what the rules were either, but since he was having to travel, we wanted him to have enough money to take his family out to eat and pay for gas at least. Hope that helps!

Post # 10
1093 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Is he the pastor of your church that happens to also be your friend and are marrying in the church or is he a family friend who attends your church who happens to be a pastor and marrying outside the church?  If it’s the first then I would think you’d be making a donation to the church and if the second I would consider it as a thank you. Either way I think $50-100 would be appreciated.

Our officient was a friend who is an ordained minister. She said she would appreciate any amount. She was also an invited guest and towards the end of the evening she came up to us to say goodbye. My husband and I agreed we’d give her $100 but he gave her $200. I don’t know if he was in such a good mood for marrying the most beautiful woman in the world or just buzzed!!!!  🙂

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