To pay or not to pay?!

posted 3 years ago in Food
Post # 3
Member
484 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@Sweetpeaontheweddingbee7:  It’s rude and tacky… they charge them? How does that look on the invite? You can come but the cost is 142.53 a couple?

Post # 4
Member
498 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

That is very rude, I would never ask my guests to cover their plate for my wedding. My H’s sister did that and everyone spoke about how tacky it was.

If you are hosting/inviting guests to an event, you cant ask/request that they pay for their own meals.

Post # 5
Member
1244 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Totally rude and thankfully I’ve never heard of that happening. I’ve heard of potluck receptions but not asking people to pay for their plate.

Post # 6
Member
2209 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@Sweetpeaontheweddingbee7:  Beyond rude.  It’s not right to ask someone to share your wedding day with you and then ask them to pay for their own meal.  Customers are charged for meals; not guests.

Sometimes a meal is just not in the budget.  Plenty of couples have lovely cake and punch receptions at a non-meal time.

@JessSeny: I’m also wondering how that would be presented/worded!

Post # 7
Member
2189 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

I would probably not attend, or just not buy dinner if I were already there.

Post # 8
Member
1243 posts
Bumble bee

@Sweetpeaontheweddingbee7:  Are you referring to the phrase “cover your plate”? Because that generally refers to the expectation that the value of gifts be at a minimum equal to what the couple would have spent hosting, not actually asking them to pay for their dinner directly.

 

Expecting guests to “cover their plate” is still rude. Couples should plan a wedding they can afford. Guests should give in a way that reflects their relationship to the couple and will not cause financial hardship. The two are not in any way, shape or form, connected.

 

Post # 10
Member
2878 posts
Sugar bee

@Sweetpeaontheweddingbee7:  Well, I can testify that where I live, it’s actually quite common that the couple asks their guests to pay for their meal. And even, in my family, my parents had litterally never attended a wedding that was free for guests. However, even if it exists and is accepted in some families or cultures, I can say it’s the kind of things that people often have strong opinions about. Eitheir they believe it’s rude, either they consider it’s normal and fine. But all the couples I know in real life or on forums that have asked for guest contribution, never received any complain ! For some family, it’s a way of putting all the family to contribution instead of just the parents, for example. Everybody throws in a little bit, and some will even give money or gifts more, but it is expected that the guests who pay for their meals don’t have to give anything else. There are many reasons I believe why this practice can be interesting :

– No ”no-show” financial issues and drama ; 

– Not having to cut your guestlist dramatically if you’re really on a tight budget and it can be a really painful task to do ;

– Most families who embrace this practice believe a young couple shouldn’t get into debts for their wedding, and shouldn’t keep from getting married because they don’t have enough money ; of course, I’d say that many couples who embrace this practice don’t want something lavish either.

– Most couples do not actually ask for the full amount of plate cost. For example, if everything comes to 80$/person, they might ask for 50.

– Unless you have a very very large guestlist, no, it doesn’t mean you will have more ”no” on your invites because you ask for a contribution.

– I actually prefer, as a guest, knowing how much is expected I pay ; then if I have let’s say 150$ budget total, I can give the rest of that amount as a wedding gift. 

 

My fiancé and I are asking for plate contribution, AFTER asking both our parents what they thought about it. As I said, in my family, it’s the normal procedure. In his family, it’s not, but both his parents immediately agreed and told us none of SO’s aunts or uncles would be offended by that. We’re having a very small civil wedding, 50 to 60 guests total, and we had to cut the list because we couldn’t afford to have friends or cousins (I have only 4 and I’m close to them). Now, we can. It’s a huge relief for us both and to have our parents behind us to support us and encourage us in our decision made me finally at peace with the whole thing (because I was about to cancel everything). 

Post # 11
Member
2319 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I feel that it’s rude, tacky, and also presumptuous.

Post # 12
Member
11668 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Sweetpeaontheweddingbee7:  Sorry but I’d never go to a wedding if I was expected to pay for my plate.  I’m not sure where you read this or where you live, but in the US (at least the part where I live) this is unheard of. Totally rude and tacky.  My view is the reception is a thank you to your guests for attending and celebrating with you. You’re hosting a party and should host what you can afford.  The guests shouldn’t pay for anything. If that means you have only cake and punch, so be it.

Post # 13
Member
11668 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@NauticalDisaster:  Just curious, where are you from if you don’t mind sharing? I think it’s so interesting how much the customs and traditions and what is deemed acceptable vary by location.

Post # 14
Member
1582 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I’m from Manitoba, Canada, and I have never been to a wedding where I wasn’t expected to give presentation, which is basically supposed to be the cost of the dinner and drinks. But I know it’s a strange custom here, like wedding socials, that most other places don’t indulge in (and that seems to stir up drama here on WeddingBee!).

Post # 15
Member
802 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015 - Backyard Forest

@SeaSalt:  +1

I think that it’s pretty common for the etiquette of a guest attending to cover the cost of their attendance in gifts. Obviously this is something that you do if you can, and is never the expectation. As a wedding guest I will generally give $100 per couple (and if I were closer to the person probably more), plus shower gift if invited. 

If I was asked to pay to go to the wedding, unless it was some really cool different ‘experience’ wedding and not just a dinner/dance, I would be really turned off from attending. 

Post # 16
Member
802 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015 - Backyard Forest

@SeaSalt:  +1

I think that it’s pretty common for the etiquette of a guest attending to cover the cost of their attendance in gifts. Obviously this is something that you do if you can, and is never the expectation. As a wedding guest I will generally give $100 per couple (and if I were closer to the person probably more), plus shower gift if invited. 

If I was asked to pay to go to the wedding, unless it was some really cool different ‘experience’ wedding and not just a dinner/dance, I would be really turned off from attending. 

ETA: oops it posted my response twice!

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