- 5 years ago
Ladies and gents, I am engaged to get married next year and I need some help figuring something out please.
Been together nearly three years. Met online, was like a dream come true – I’d honestly never been happier.
After three months he brought up moving in indirectly, so I brought it up directly. He got ‘freaked’ and so I backed right off. It took him three months of to-ing and fro-ing with me ignoring it all until he took me out one night and flat out asked me.
Before we moved in, about two months prior, I had an early miscarriage. I was very emotional and erratic for the first few weeks and he ended up distancing himself from me and refusing to discuss it.
His childhood: parents split in a nasty divorce with the mother manipulating the father and taking away his children. He didn’t see his father again until he was 22. He’s very bitter about it and angry.
My childhood: parents just celebrated their 40th wedding anniversary.
We moved in. He swore to anyone who’d listen that it was his idea and he was happier than he’d ever been.
After a few months he started making comments about me not drinking much, going to bed too early, going out too much, he didn’t make much effort with my friends etc etc. By nine months we were bickering a little.
We moved in on the agreement we’d get engaged and married. Nine months later this hadn’t happened – when I brought it up he said he wanted to surprise me with something amazing. He started mentioning things indirectly every now and again. After a year I brought it up again and said that it was something I wanted to start planning for with me being 34 and him nearly 40.
October last year we agreed a timeline to get engaged and married within a year, so we could start a family. I left it at that. He also started a new job. In December 2011 he started bringing it up when drunk and seeming excited about it. By February he’d started displaying following signs:
- Drastic mood swings and may seem emotionally unstable
- Partner seems distracted, confused, detached, or distant
- Alternates between sexual interest and lack of interest
- Sex may be much more emotional
- May suggest new things sexually then loss interest
- Exaggerated displays of affection and love followed by quiet periods
- Overly affectionate and passionate at times
- Increased expressions of love
- Sudden changes in clothing, appearance, or interest in getting in shape
- Sudden change in habits, hobbies, or schedules
- Increased reference or talking about the third party
- Unusual phone activity or text messaging
- Suddenly keeps cell phone away from you
Third party being this girl at work with whom he’d decided he was ‘best buddies’ with. Went on lunch with, went on about how funny and amazing she was (her version of funny is to tell men some silly s**ual escapades she has got into like dropping ice down her top or things of a much dirtier nature). I’m sure I don’t need to go on.
There was once incident: I picked them both up from work, he was sitting in the front seat and her in the back, she was playing with his ears and ‘tickling’ him the whole way back. On dropping her off she said she was looking forward to seeing him Saturday night in our house – I was away that weekend. I questioned him about what plans were going on and he hit the roof. From then on, game plan changed to:
- More willing to pick fights, arguments, and conflicts
- Less forgiving, understanding, and accepting
- Very critical, hostile, or maybe abusive
- Not sharing new information or feelings
- Reluctant to do things together or spend time together
- May become less gentle, polite, or concerned
- Little, or no, interest in sex
- Sex becomes more physical than emotional
- May refuse to have sex
- Develops interest in new activities, hobbies, or interests
- Sudden changes in clothing, exercise routine, and other self-improvements
- Suggests that things are not working or that there are problems
- May mention that how he or she is not happy or satisfied
- May forget anniversaries, birthdays, and special occasions
- Unwilling to make future commitments and plans
- Changes in work habits, schedule, and spending of free time
- More conflict over money and finances
- Disinterested in things around home and family
- Loss of interest in doing things together or spending time together
After a month of this horrendousnous he told me he wasn’t in love with me any more. He arranged a day out where he told me that he couldn’t be with someone who started arguments all the time and a load of other rubbish, and that he’d give it another month. Two weeks later I moved out because he wouldn’t.
After two weeks living in a rented flat, we talked – he said he missed me and I’d misunderstood him saying he wasn’t in love with me, but no pleas to come back. I was a wreck and confused. I moved back. I since found out this girl met a bloke around this time.
He was miserable for a while, then after two weeks he proposed. Nothing outstanding. He actually didn’t really want to tell people or celebrate. No engagement party. Quite sad really.
A few months afterwards this work colleague split with this guy, posting on facebook about how her life was sooooo ‘complicated’ etc. We organised a holiday and lo and behold, he changed overnight into the man I fell in love with.
We’ve made plans, booked wedding things, it’s been hard to engage him but he’s getting there. A few weeks prior, this girl wrote on her facebook that she was finally ‘over the man who’d broken her heart’.
Ok history over. My question is, I’ve talked to him about ensuring I’m the one he wants to be with – he says forever. He wants children with me etc. I have not, however, challenged him about her as I have no proof other than the fact he doesn’t drive to work and back with her anymore and I no longer get invites to his work do’s.
Am I paranoid?
Should I drop it?
Is this just too long and rambly?
If anyone has the strength of mind to read all of that then I applaud them. I’m in a bit of a serious pondering mood due to this upcoming marriage, and making sure I’m doing the right thing. I’m old enough to know that people aren’t always 100% honest and sometimes it’s left up to us to figure it out.