(Closed) To say anything or let sleeping dogs lie? LONG!

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
4313 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@weeble78:  #1 I am sorry you are going through this.  #2 There is so much to address here, but my bottom line is to LEAVE.  Specifically the BLATANT displays of affection with another WOMAN right in FRONT of you.

Post # 4
Member
9143 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

Why are you still tied to this sinking ship of a relationship?  Let him go down with his ship like a good captain while you grab a lifejacket and swim for the nearest lifeboat (family/friend for support.)

You’ve listed over 20 reasons not to marry this guy all by yourself.  You listed signs of an emotional affair and signs of hostile disengagement so you obviosuly feel he had an emotional affair with this woman and possibly even a physical affair.  Marrying this guy isn’t going to magically make all of those concerns go away.  You know what you need to do so do it.  He’s settling for you when he really wants someone or something else.  DO NOT SETTLE FOR HIM.

Post # 5
Member
4194 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

You’ve obviously done your research on what you believe happened between them-cheating- and his behavior seems to match it.

A couple of other things stand out to me:
1. You two never discussed your miscarriage- I think this is too big of an issue/life event to just sweep under the rug without dealing with it as a couple
2. His physical behavior with co-worker- tickling, etc- What?!
3. Rereading your post- you haven’t written anything positive about your relationship with him, except for the PAST tense- “was like a dream come true – I’d honestly never been happier.”
4. An engagement should be celebrated- and I don’t mean with a party- I mean by one’s attitude. 

The questions you have for him, have obviously been weighing on your mind for some time. And it seems like it’s going to continue to be on your mind until you confront him. And when you do, I think he’ll “hit the roof” again. 🙁  I guess I don’t really have any advice, but I wish you well with this.

 

Post # 7
Member
570 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

@deetroitwhat:  Yes!

Whether he is still into her or not, there is NO reason you should be with this man. Whether it’s next month, next year, or 10 years from now, he will again find an exciting new woman at work or the gym or wherever and have an inappropriate relationship with her. He doesn’t respect you, and now he knows he can get away with horrible behavior without consequence. Leave and find a man who is over the moon excited to be with YOU.

Post # 8
Member
998 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Sent you a PM

Post # 9
Member
11234 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

@deetroitwhat:  This. 

You’re not paranoid, don’t drop it. Just leave. 

Post # 10
Member
563 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

In order to have a happy and healthy relationship, you need a solid foundation; no “other women” (like that), no mind games, no drastic highs and lows. 

If you want to live the rest of your life not knowing what mood to expect your FI to have, thats a problem IMHO. All relationships have their ups and downs, but this seems way to much to handle.

Post # 11
Member
6745 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

Clearly you think he cheated on you, had another relationship with this woman, ended it with her, and then got back together with you.  Could be.  Could be that it was entirely coincidental.  Still, I think he’s a jerk for other reasons and you should find yourself someone else who doesn’t treat you this way.

Post # 12
Member
2188 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2024

Sorry if this sounds harsh but from reading that I get this:

He cheated on you with a colleague who was outright flirting with him right in front of you (also she went to YOUR house when you were gone, so it probably happened in your own home, he’s an asshole)

You moved out and he was probably hoping to start a relationship with this woman.

She found someone else so he needed you back as his backup plan.

He isn’t interested in planning the wedding or telling people or inviting you to work functions where SO are invited.

He is still holding out hope this woman will want him and in the mean time he is going through the motions of a relationship/wedding planning with you.

LEAVE HIS SORRY ASS NOW, because he will leave you if not for her then another woman. YOU ARE BETTER THAN HIM and deserve to be with someone who loves you fully and that doesn’t make you his backup plan.

 

Post # 13
Member
69 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

from reading this i think his emotions are tied up else where. Depressed? other woman? debt? fear of commitment? it cud be anything. Do YOU want this for the rest of your life? you have weighed everything up and its very detailed, do i sense that maybe ur not happy? everyone deserves the best for themselves, its hard getting over a relationship, but it happens and people eventually move on. I’d rather be happy on my own than not happy in a relationship. I hope you get sorted. gud luck.

Post # 15
Member
532 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I’d leave.  He put you through this once before who knows if it’ll happen again, but are you willing to deal with this again? Bc you may have to…

Post # 16
Member
1172 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

I have to second and third and fourth all the bees.

He had at the very least an emotional affair with this woman. Trust me when I say that this is probably what happened.

He started getting attached to her, she probably had sex with him, he thought it was more, she didnt, she met someone else, during the time you and he  were seperated, so he comes running back to you.  Now he is back with you, she will eventually get single again and when she does, she is going to want someone to lean on, probably your FI.

Run as fast and as far as you can get from him. A man who conducts emotional afffairs will tend to do it again. He isnt willing to make an engagement announcement and your not invited to work events. A man who really loves you will show you off to everyone.

Sorry your going through this but I think in your heart you know that he isnt a stable relationship

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