(Closed) To send or not to send…

posted 7 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: Would you send an invite to someone you know couldn't come?
    Yes : (30 votes)
    73 %
    No : (0 votes)
    Depends on the person : (11 votes)
    27 %
    Other: explain below : (0 votes)
  • Post # 3
    3049 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: January 1991

    Depends on the person. I knew a lot of my college friends wouldn’t come. But I knew some would. I had no idea who would make the drive and who would not… so I invited them all. It wasn’t for a present (not a lot of them give presents as it is), but it was more to see who would show up. They can’t come unless they get invited. You can probably just invite her… who knows.. she may come. I really never knew that people were invited “just for the present”. Everyone says it here on the bee, but in real life it’s never ocurred to me that I (nor my parents) were invited to a wedding based on a gift. The whole idea is just confusing to me.

    Post # 4
    3257 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    @kiparker: I would do it. I sent one to my college roomie and she sent me a text picture of it on her fridge; she actually told me it meant a lot to her that I had thought of her. 

    We had an “out of town” wedding, so we only invited our closest friends where we lived. We skipped coworkers, old college friends, etc. because we knew they wouldn’t come and didn’t want to seem like gift grabbers. I think a close friend is a total exception.

    Post # 5
    2442 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: April 2011

    You stated that you still consider her to be a friend.  That is all that matters.  Whether or not she comes isn’t really the issue.  If you are inviting friends to your wedding and she is your friend, she gets an invite.  Plain and simple.  

    Post # 6
    6 posts
    • Wedding: September 2011

    I think you should send it. I also think since you guys are close you could even enclose a note with the invite telling her you realize she probably can’t make it, but that you still want her to know that she’ll be missed. You could also say that you entirely understand and don’t want to pressure her. And then, in the very unlikely event that she actually can make it, all the better!


    I had a similar invitation with my adopted grandfather who’s in declining health and lives in Florida. I invited him to my small wedding in NY knowing it was 99% likely he wouldn’t want to make the trip. I also told him I realized that but that I just wanted him to know he was so important to me that of course he’d be invited. I think he understood it and it also made it easy for him to bow out without feeling bad about it (at least I hope it made it easy – I guess I don’t know how he felt, only what he said!)

    Post # 7
    1 posts
    • Wedding: June 1991

    If you still consider her a friend, you definitely have to send her an invitation. Otherwise, she might feel left out or that you don’t consider her a good enough friend to have at your wedding. You could insert a personal note saying that you know it would be difficult for her to come, but that you wanted her to know you are thinking of her. If she can’t come, make sure you send her a photo afterwards and a note about hoping you can get together soon to catch up.

    Post # 8
    188 posts
    Blushing bee

    I would be concerned about hurting her feelings by not sending an invite, even if she knew she couldn’t come either way. For my sister’s wedding her dear friend from college had just moved out of state with her husband and would have been nine months pregnant by W-day, and finances were tight. She couldnt make it and an extravagant gift was out of the question, but she did frame the invite beautifully and gifted that to Sis as a keepsake. 

    Basically, it made her feel included and not shunned for being unable to make it to her wedding, and gave her the opportunity to acknowledge the event in a personal and thoughtful way. 

    Post # 9
    152 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: November 2011

    I sent quite a few invites to people )mostly family) that I’m pretty sure won’t make it. Better to send the invite on the off chance that she can come than to not send it at all. I secretly hope that getting an invite will prompt my family to come visit (they live a thousand miles away). 

    Post # 10
    2701 posts
    Sugar bee

    I sent invites to those who had already said they couldn’t make it. It wasn’t for gifts, but just to let them know that I hadn’t forgotten about them and that they were still welcome to come in case they ended up being able to.

    Post # 11
    5110 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: November 2011

    I will be sending some to family and friends that I know wont be able to come. Weathter or not they come was not the issue. I just didnt want anyone to feel left out like we didnt want them to be a part of our day, or feel like we forgot about them. I think its a nice gesture. 

    Post # 12
    7340 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2010

    I sent invites to people I knew would not come.  I think some of them might have been hurt to not receive an invitation.

    Post # 13
    3314 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2010

    I did send a couple to people I knew wouldn’t come, but I would make sure that in doing so, you aren’t going over your budget or seating limit!  I had a couple for-sure-won’t-come people end up RSVPing yes.  I only invited those that I could afford and could seat, but I see a LOT of people on here bank on certain number of no-shows and that doesn’t always work.

    Post # 14
    1199 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 2011

    I know several family members who will get invites but for sure won’t make it.  Just family obligation.  Still think it’s a nice gesture.

    The topic ‘To send or not to send…’ is closed to new replies.

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