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My little two-year-old is getting into the defiant stage, yelling "no", sometimes hiting and the occasional biting when he's angry. I've tried my best to be calm with him, let him know that he needs to listen to me and I've explained to him that he needs to use his words instead of hit. We have just started time-outs and he understands them.

However, a friend of mine has been giving her son spankings since he was about one years old. I hated that she did this because he really did not understand what he was doing wrong. I got spankings when I was 5 and under and I turned out okay (questionable lol). But I always considered spankings to be violent and on the verge of abuse. Not only that, but I think it teaches children to hit.

What are your opinions on spankings? What type of discipline would you/do you use with your own children?

I will not spank.  I think it can go too far too quick, and often parents spank when they're angry.  I'd rather be calm and collected if need be.  I think isolating the child for major offenses, to a chair and removing favorite objects from their possession is another way.  My fiance sees nothing wrong with spanking but growing up, only his dad did it and only a handful of times, his dad was also calm when he did it.  If we see the necessity to spanking, as the last straw, I'll have him do it b/c I know I wouldn't act calmly in that situation.  In general, I think spanking can be avoided.  I was spanked a lot for things that were out of my control as a small child. 

@Mrs.KMM:  I do resent my dad for spanking me b/c he spanked me for everything to the point I was so afraid to do anything.  Things I had no control over, he'd spank me.  I think some parents can't handle spanking their children without getting carried away, so that's why I'm mostly against it.  I also don't think it's as effective for kids who act out, my sister was one and she wasn't phased by it.

@Mrs.KMM: I understand what you're saying but when I was growing up, my sisters and I got physical in fights with eachother. I often wonder if it was because we were spanked as young children (or because 5 emotional women were living under one roof). So, quick question and I don't want to offend you - did that even happen in your parents household??

 ETA: the physical fights stopped by age 13-14 with all of us, still unpleasant.

My situation is pretty extreme but I think there's potential for parents to get carried away.  I also will not yell/scream at my kids like I've seen some parents do. 

@farmgirl2106: It's really difficult for me to discipline my son since he's so young - I really don't want to hurt him so that's why I've stuck with time-outs.

So for the people against spanking and time-outs, what do you think is the most effective way to discipline?

@beekiss: Ugh. Everytime I take my son to a children's museum or a train exhibit, I hear these blood curdling screams coming from some mothers and I just look at them with disgust lol. I can't stand parents who scream at their children.

Or parents who say things like, "shut your mouth" or "SIT ON YOUR BUTT"...why can't you just say, "be quiet please" or "sit on your bottom or you could get hurt".

@Heatherloveskenny:  What things has he done particularly?  If he's throwing a fit in the store, tell him no, that it's unacceptable behavior and any treats he has are gone and leave.  Then go back later without him.  I think finding consequences naturally related to the situation would be the most effective.  I also think not being scared of taking time to find your composure and think of consequences is also beneficial.

My mother spanked me when I was a kid, and it sucked hard. Whenever she did it, it was because she was angry and frustrated, not because of discipline. I was an obedient kid, I didn't even need to be spanked! I carried that anger and frustration with me for YEARS, up until a couple of months ago when I told her that I was still pissed at her for hitting me, something she told me she didn't remember doing, then when I called her out on specific examples I still remembered vividly, told me she was very sorry about. Our relationship was good before but it's been awesome since.

All that being said, spanking I think is okay when used properly, as in not done out of anger and as a last resort. I hope that if we do decide spanking is okay for us that I'll only spank under those circumstances.

@Stellar Magnitude: yes, I agree - one child will respond entirely different than the next. I'm going to do some heavy reading tonight with a parenting book!

I think a stern voice is way more effective than a spanking. I was spanked as a kid and I hated it. I was always well behaved but my dad has a very short temper which led to spankings for no good reason. I lost pretty much all respect for him when I got to an age to realize that what he was doing was totally ridiculous.

I think if you're consistant and don't give in when it comes to discipline kids will eventually get it. This worked with the kids that I looked after (long term) although one of them was a brat but I couldn't do anything about that, others let him behave that way.

@Ms. Martian: Hear hear.

Yes we do on occasion have to spank our 4yr old. But, it is used sparingly and as a last resort.

@Mrs.KMM: Good info. Thanks for your input!

@beekiss: can I just say, I'm sorry your father spanked you all the time. I remember the last time I was spanked and I was so scared.

But for instance, he will be playing with a toy (say his train tracks) and they don't fit together, well he get's angry and screams. Then he raises his hand and comes up to me to hit me. So I just stop him, tell him firmly, "We do not hit anyone. We love." he understands those two sentences clearly - then I explain to him, when he's angry he needs to use his words and tell me what is wrong without screaming or crying.

@MissHelen: I'm sorry about that as well :-/ at least your mom admitted to it and apologized.

@abbyful: I understand what you mean - but I've had a lot of friends who are parents just spank for absolutely no good reason. Do I consider that a form of abuse? Yes. Just like verbal abuse. It still hurts when you've done nothing wrong.

@abbyful: but I did change my poll if it was offensive!

@MissHelen: I was about the same to your post. Unfortunately my dad doesn't seem to think he was wrong in any way nor does he remember the one incident that really made me lose respect for him.

@Ms. Martian: When my Mom told me she didn't remember, I wondered if she was lying. At first, it pissed me off royal because I was like....I remember everything about this, how dare you not! I wonder if your Dad was lying too when he said that.

 I wonder if the parents who spank on this thread remember every incident.

@Heatherloveskenny:  Can you grab his hand and hold it down, as you're talking to him?  It sounds like he's getting frustrated and trying to learn how to express his anger.  Hopefully in the amount of time you explain the situation, he's sidetracked and can calm down.  I'd also have him give you a kiss or give you a high five as soon as you're done talking.  Also, tell him that since he can't play nice with his train, then you're going to take it away for a day.  A day seems like an eternity for a child.  I think the biggest thing is following through, and distracting him long enough that he forgets.

Also, thanks.  I've learned a lot on what not to do with children from my parents.

EDIT: I'd also remind him of inside voices.  If he screams, then he doesn't get something he loves.  Or as he starts to scream, tell him to start singing a song instead.

@beekiss: those are really good tips. I do grab his hands firmly when talking to him in a stern voice - but I have to admit sometimes I do get angry and my grip becomes tighter on his little hands. I hate that. But on his own, he hugs, kisses and says "I'm sorry." after I talk with him...but I tend to forget to take away the favorite toys. Maybe even locking the toy room for a day when it gets serious. Between cooking, cleaning and parenting you've given me a ton of advice in the past day lol.

@KristenGotMarried: I get what you're saying and that's usually my logic with it. My son and I were at this particular friend's house when her son was acting up and she spanked him. My son saw and he froze, his eye's got huge and he looked at me like, "mom, aren't you going to save him?."...her son is almost three now.

What bothered me more is when she suggested I spank my son!

My son saw and he froze, his eye's got huge and he looked at me like, "mom, aren't you going to save him?."

That's pretty awful, couldn't she take him to another room and do that if she was going to? So not only was he spanked but also humiliated, that's not cool in my book.

I would think being in the moment is a lot harder parent.  That's why I wouldn't feel bad stepping out of the room, gaining composure, coming back with a natural consequence to his behavior.  I also want to teach my children that it's okay to have emotions as long as they can overcome them privately and not becoming destructive whether he's screaming, throwing, biting/hitting, etc.

If we have to, we do. There's been times when she's been in the midst of a fit, losing her mind, and no soothing voice in the world asking her to stop makes a difference. In those instances, yes, she gets popped on the leg real quick. We were spanked when we were younger and THAT was what got my attention, not my parents sitting down and explaining to me how you don't bite Bobby because it hurts Bobby's feewings. Kids do NOT accept rationalization sometimes. And it's often the parents who think that sitting their kids down for a deep heart-to-heart when they do something wrong and talking to them like an equal who have the worst behaved kids. You do it appropriately, and when it matters, and pretty soon you'll have a well behaved child who won't NEED it. Now, you go willy nilly slapping them whenever and it loses its effectiveness and then your kid is just scared of you. But sometimes, it's really necessary just to kind of bring them back to reality and remind them who's in charge.

I wasn't spanked, my husband was, so we'll see how it goes when we have kids. We've talked about it, and I think we're kind of in the same boat; it should be used as a last resort, and never to actually hurt (absolutely no objects, and there should never be a mark left!). Just a pop on the bottom to snap the kid back into reality. I will say though, there are some children that should never be spanked, and some it seems need a rather good spanking. It just depends on the child. 

Side note: I have been slapped by my mother 3 times, and I deserved every one. :)