(Closed) to tell of timeline or not to tell?

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
5015 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

Yes tell him!!! I tell my FI everything, and while I never felt like I was “waiting,” I would have said something if I did. 

Post # 4
Member
5015 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

Oh I should add, I meant to tell him nicely of your timeline of when you want to get engaged. Don’t give him an ultimatum and say it’s now or never. Maybe he’s on board with what you want, or maybe you can work something out. Some guys just figure things are good how they are, so why mess with it. I would bring it up in a very calm and respectful conversation.

Post # 5
Member
584 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I think you need to talk with him nicely… explain that you dont need to have it right away, but u need to know that u both want the same things..

Post # 7
Member
5015 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

@lepetitebee:  I wouldn’t tell him, I would ask him. Not sure how much you’ve talked about marriage yet, but I would ask when he thinks you guys should get married or if he’s thought about getting engaged. I would say you want to get engaged by X amount of years and hope he’s on the same page.

Post # 8
Member
726 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Have you had the marriage conversation at all yet?

Post # 9
Member
2117 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I would be more concerned with your family and friends telling you to leave him. I was with my FI for 7 years before he proposed  .. not once has anyone I know ever suggested I leave my FI nor did I think about it. We also decided to wait on engagement because we wanted to buy our home before thinking about a wedding (just to give you some background) Do they find him unmotivated or a procrastinator? What does he say when you guys talk about your future together?

 

Post # 10
Member
2607 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

I, too, would want to know why others are encouraging you to break up with him.  If it is ONLY because the guy hasn’t proposed yet, that’s one thing.  If there are other issues at play, perhaps you need to take their advice into consideration.  No, they don’t get to make decisions in your relationship, but if many people are telling you the same thing, it’s possible they are seeing something you’re not seeing…or overlooking.

And yes, I think you should discuss a timeline.  I don’t think it’s fair for a woman to think to herself, “If he doesn’t propse within six more months, I’m out of here,” and then leave, and the poor guy is blindsided.  I think he at least deservers a heads up, especially because communication is key in a successful relationship.  If you can’t even TALK about marriage and timelines for getting there, how are you going to have a successful one?

Post # 12
Member
146 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

limbo is such an annoying place to be. I call it “in unknown land”. I even bring it up as “unknown land” when I need to talk about it with my SO! Haha!

Like a lot of people said, communication is important. Does it seem like a waste of your energy to contemplate and think about all this stuff if he doesnt even KNOW youre thinking about it! Its like being mad at someone who you dont ever see or talk to…it gets you no where!

What I did with my SO is compare timelines…about a lot of things. Proposal, weddings, buying a house, moving (for my job, which will most likely be needed if I want to move up in my career). This way, its an open discussion and not you sounding like your accusing him of not moving fast enough. This is your future, together, it cant be left unopen.

 

Post # 13
Member
516 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

The decision is ultimately up to you, but ask yourself if you are with him out of convenience or routine or if you are really genuinely in love and want to spend the rest of your life with him. I think a lot of women who end up in these long term relationships without a proposal are there because they are too afraid to leave. You get comfortable in a relationship that is just okay, but not great, and you keep going down that path because you don’t know what else to do and breaking up means hurt feelings and a major change in your life.

Before I was with my fiance, I was with a boyfriend for seven years. We had a good relationship and we didn’t fight. Life was comfortable. He started off our relationship saying he would never get married, ever, and definitely no kids. I was okay with that at the time because I was very young and didn’t think I ever wanted marriage or a family either. Towards the end of our relationship, he was finally starting to think about marriage and children, but I knew he was never going to be excited about it and I wondered if it was something he was doing because, like me, he was comfortable and didn’t want to face the scary unknown of breaking up.

I think if you give your guy a timeline or an ultimatum, you run the risk that he will marry you for the wrong reasons. And will that really make either of you happy? Is it fair to either of you to marry each other because you can’t be bothered to go through the unpleasantness of a break up that might be better for both of you?

I was the one who ended the relationship with the 7-year boyfriend and it sucked. It was painful, there were lots of tears and hurt feelings, and at first he refused to accept it and said he’d never let me go. It was basically two months of hell. But now that we’re both over the pain of the breakup, we both agree that we never should have been together for that and getting married would have been a mistake. I found someone who is much more suited to me in ways that he never could have been and I hear he’s found someone who is better for him, too.

I agree with the others who have posted that you should have the conversation with him and let him know what you want and find out what he wants. IMO, if he is not currently on the same page with you, then it’s time to move on. My feeling is that if a man really wants to be with you forever, it won’t take him 6 years plus nagging and ultimatums to make up his mind. The fact that he has shown no interest in it isn’t a very good sign.

Good luck.

Post # 14
Member
126 posts
Blushing bee

After 6 years and if you’re feeling like this… yes, talk with him. Don’t tell him he has to propose by X date or else. Tell him about your dreams and goals for the future. See where he stands. The “deadline”, I’ve always thought, is for ourselves. We cannot control what our men do, but we can decide what we will do if we’re unhappy or if we feel the relationship is going nowhere. Good luck. 🙂

Post # 15
Member
340 posts
Helper bee

You need to look out for you. If this guy leaves or gets upset because you told him you have invested 6 years and want to get engaged because you want to spend your life with him, then he wasn’t worth it. I guess, what do you have to lose? If you haven’t communicated this before maybe that is why he hasn’t proposed? You have to be ready to just walk away if he doesn’t want to get married through because at that point you will be waisting your time and maybe he will realize what he lost. If he wants to get married, then great!

Post # 16
Member
1542 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Do you mind if I ask how old you are? I have been with my SO for 5 years, and we’re both 25. He still has to pay off his school debt before proposing and we plan on putting some money aside over the next year for a wedding. I really have the “fever” to get married, and it totally drives me crazy sometimes, but I don’t feel like it’s fair to expect him to shell out a few thousand dollars for a ring while he still has a few thousand left on a student loan. He also openly talks, and brings up marriage willingly (I’m not always the only one bringing it up.)

Do you think there is a reason he hasn’t brought it up? Could he just be saving for the perfect ring?

I think I’d figure that stuff out by talking to him. Give him a realistic timeline, but don’t be too pushy. I have a friend who really pushed for an engagement ring, and when she finally got it, she was disappointed with how he proposed (I’m guessing because he really didn’t wanna do it)

The topic ‘to tell of timeline or not to tell?’ is closed to new replies.

Get our weekly roundup of the best of Weddingbee.
I agree to receive emails from the site. I can withdraw my consent at any time by unsubscribing.

Find Amazing Vendors