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....so FH and I are not church-goers at all...we're planning on having a non-religious ceremony outdoors.... i've always wanted the officiant who marries me to be someone i know or someone important in my life....i've talked about this to FH and he doesnt disagree at all and thinks it'd be awesome.....
so we've been talking about getting married at the courthouse with only our parents, MOH and the best man and us on the anniversary of his proposal which would be 7-9-12 or maybe the date reversed which would be 9-7-12 (not sure yet)....and then we've set our wedding date to be 9-8-12....where we would still have a ceremony and reception following right after....
the question i have is do we tell everyone that the ceremony isn't necessary legal and that we actually got legally married beforehand just so we can have someone we know be the officiant without having them have to get ordained or whatnot....or should we just not mention it at all, and if so, what if people ask about whoever we choose to marry us??
I think it's dishonest to pretend you aren't married when you really are...just my .02. I like the date reversal idea, but please do not refer to the ceremony as a wedding. Your wedding is the legal ceremony that would come first.
I don't think you have to tell anyone. If someone asks or brings it up, then be honest. But I don't think you need to disclose that information.
Telling your guests will be totally up to you. However, just like in for a destination wedding, you could let your guests know that you have already been married, but because they weren't at the wedding, you want to have a "traditional" reception celebrating your marraige.
Now, as far as someone to marry you, a grandparent? best friend? mentor? all of these would be great choices...
Happy Searching!!!
no need to keep it from people and if they ask you just tell them the same thing you just posted...that it was important to you & your husband to have someone important to you to married the 2 of you. If they don't like it, then that's their problem.
@Statutory Grape: thanks for your response! please excuse my ignorance but if we decide to do it this way, what would be the correct way to call it then??
@ab33arch: If it were me? I'd just do the courthouse thing and be done with the wedding aspect. But it's not me, so...;P You could always call it a vow renewal, I suppose.
I think it's up to you if you want to tell them right off the bat or wait until someone questions it (if anyone even does?) but I don't think you need to call it anything else as previously suggested. Call it your wedding, who cares. Plus I doubt any guest will judge you or care whether the ceremony they saw was THE legal one or not.
I don't think I would lie about it or not tell my guests (after all, they are friends and family you know?), but I would still call it a wedding. A vow renewal brings to mind something you do years after you've been married.
IMO, the wedding is the part where you get up in front of those you love and promise to love one another. I don't see anything wrong with making it legal ahead of time and still "getting married" later.
You can still call it your wedding - I see no problem with it, as it's your public vow exchange. However, I would not lie to guests if someone asks, and if you're worried about what people think, doing it a few days before the scheduled wedding would be less controversial.
@Statutory Grape:true...but i mean FH and I do want the whole "walk down the aisle" ceremony....it was the aspect of having someone we know marry us and the fact that they might not be able to get ordained to do so for whatever reason..which lead me to thinking about getting legally married beforehand....i dunno...
i suppose i could just see if whoever we ask to marry us could get ordained online or something and then there won't any issue... lol
We are in the same sort of boat. I want a good friend to marry FH and I. But since I'm not sure if him getting ordained online will make it legal for him to marry us, we might make it legal at the JOP. If we do the JOP it would be the day before or day after our wedding.
And we are calling it a wedding, cause that is when FH and I are pleging our life and love to each other in front of those that we love and that love us. It was FH idea to do it that way.
@lilyfaith:i agree with you...i've been leaning towards 9-7-12 IF we decide to do it this way...
you can still call it a wedding... a wedding is just the name of the actual ceremony.. no one will really care if you're already legally married, its not a crime..
I think in this case, then, maybe a week or less before the wedding would be the best plan. I mean, two months, to me at least, is a bit sketchy since you've been living as husband and wife for two months.
I think I may know what your concern is. You want the ceremony in front of all the friends and family to be performed by someone who is close to you and your FI, but that person may not have "legal" authority in the eyes of the state. Is this correct?
Could they be ordained on the web? I have heard other people have gone this route so they could have a friend or family member perform the ceremony legally. Different counties/states have different regulations regarding this. Check with the clerk of courts in the county you will be married in to see if this may be an option.
Here's a short article about online ordainments.
http://www.ehow.com/how_2337586_ordained-perform-non_denominational-wedding.html
For more info, just search "online wedding ordainment".
I think you can get some one ordained pretty easy. Im not sure about that but if you could get someone ordained easily then you don't have to worry about courthouse or what to tell the guests.
thanks for all the replies everyone :-)
i suppose the issue of what its called is an example of what i feel guests might think....to clarify, i definitely wouldn't lie to them outright....i suppose its whether or not i should tell everyone before the day of to let them know or whether it makes a difference....
to be completely honest, i'm not sure what my family and friends would think if they were told and if they would even care....i suppose i'm afraid of getting those "OH..<sad face> you mean you already got married before today?" or whatnot....
i suppose it boils down to me not wanting the guests to feel it was fake or just for show so they could be there.... to me the ceremony with everyone there will be the real deal and the courthouse would be just to make it legal... you kno??
@Statutory Grape: "Sketchy"?? lol
@ab33arch: I think it would be fine either way. A friend of mine married her husband legally about a year before her actual wedding. There were a few reasons they did it that way, and it still worked out fine for them. No one judged them...lol at least not the way it's being made to seem like you would be if you got legally married ahead of time. Their wedding was still beautiful, meaningful, and amazing. I really don't think it's that big of a deal. Especially since its not like you're super religious or into tradition.
@kate169: What I find sketchy is not admitting that you've been married for a few months, lol. Like you're pretending just to be able to put on a show later (no offense intended, OP!).
@Scottielass:thanks! i knew about this option, just was looking into going a different route in case whoever we picked couldn't (for what ever reason, personal or not) get ordained.... but i will definitely look into it more so that there wouldnt be the "legal courthouse wedding" issue at all ...lol thanks again for the link!! :-)
Another thing you could do, OP, is maybe have a note on your programs mentioning the legal date in some sort of cute way but stress that your bigger, more important ceremony is that day. That way, you wouldn't have to answer questions or make a big deal out of it. I think honesty is the best policy with situations like this, though.
I don't see why you should tell anyone, unless they outright ask. It really doesn't matter - your real wedding (as opposed to legal wedding) is the one that means the most to you, IMO.
I'd call it a wedding still, but if for some reason that makes you uncomfortable, I've heard it referred to as being "weddinged" on Offbeat bride and a couple other places.
Good luck with whatever you guys decide to do! It will be beautiful and special either way.
@ab33arch: Happy to help. I don't think whoever you choose will have a problem receiving ordination. The issue may come from the county/state regulation. I would check into that first. I think it more of a case of jumping through a few extra hoops for someone performing a one-time ceremony instead of an officiant who performs them on a regular bases.
Good luck!
I wouldn't lie about already being married, but I also wouldn't go out of my way to announce it either. If you lie- people will find out and turn it into a minor scandal (people love blowing things out of proportion).
As for what to call the event after the civil ceremony- it's a wedding. If you're wearing a dress/ thewhole nine yards- call a spade a spade.
1. We're doing this b/c our wedding is in MX. I am considering the courthouse "Wedding" as just part of getting our marriage license. We're not making a big deal out of it. Our ceremony in MX will be our wedding. We will be saying our vows and doing it in front of our friends and family. If they ask, I'll tell them. Will I make an annoucemnt, no.
2. I attended a wedding where they had the full ceremony, and I found out about 6 months later that they had been married at the courthouse the month prior to the wedding I attended. I was NOT offended at all, and I didn't feel lied to. Also, I didn't care that they didn't tell me.
To me, a wedding is a celebration of two people pledging their lives to each other. Going to the courthouse is making it legal. I don't see why you need to tell anyone, unless they ask.
I have to be honest... this sounds too complicated. You are married when someone who has the legal right to perform a marriage ceremony does so for you. Being premarried, doesn't really make sense, the fake ceremony will be fake even if you want to think that you'll think of it as the real one... I think you'll always remember that other ceremony. I think it would make more sense to have a real ceremony that includes family or friends to read poetry, say a blessing, sing a song, light a candle or just be there for you. You check with your state laws to figure out who is allowed to officiate a wedding ceremony, and make arrangements to have your ceremony designed to mainly include those important family members who will make it real to you! (The legal officiant is supposed to be someone that the law recognizes as having a well known position in the community in which you live or are married. (In other words, the law recognizes the leadership of the community.) Sorry to rain on your parade, but I do think that you'll either always remember that there were two ceremonies or you'll have one fabulous day to celebrate!
People are not stupid and will find out they were lied to. In which case, do not be surprised if some or all are offended to the point that they cut off all ties with you. Also, be aware that your legal ceremony is your wedding. What you are inviting your guests to is a renewal of vows so it is very dishonest to call it your wedding when it is not. Is there some reason why your guests cannot be invited to your legal ceremony or why you cannot get married at your wedding where your guests will be attending? That way, you avoid all awkwardness and prevent hurt feelings. Most people will (and do) decline if they are invited to a staged production when the actual wedding has taken place at a different time. The same goes for folks who are not invited to the ceremony, period, but are invited to the reception only, which is also rude.
People will argue until they are blue in the face and insist this is not true at all since it doesn't fit their beliefs, but when you go through the legal bits, that is your wedding. Getting married and having a wedding are THE SAME THING, no matter what others may tell you otherwise that they are not. You cannot have one without the other.
In my area, you can have someone become a "Deputy Marriage Commissioner for a Day" for $50. Check with your local county clerk's office. I bet it's pretty straightforward.
If you have the courthouse ceremony, I think it's perfectly okay not to tell people if you don't want to. Do what is best for you.
I'm not quite sure I understand what the problem would be about just getting legally married beforehand and having your wedding day still be what you consider "official". I don't see why people would be offended by that!
It's not "putting on a show" to have a traditional ceremony after you're legally married, because in this situation the wedding ceremony where you say your vows to one another in front of your friends and family is the REAL wedding. Going to the courthouse just covers the legality of the marriage.
Maybe I just have a different way of looking at it, but I definitely don't think it's a big deal!
I don't think it is deceitful to be married before your wedding. Cheeses. Get married beforehand! It's really no one's business to judge you anyway. My bestie had a JOP ceremony and her wedding will be next year. They aren't hiding it, but the "celebration" with family and friends will be the wedding! I don't see why you need to call it anything different. It's not pulling the wool over anyone's eyes (unless you specifically pretend to NOT be married). I wouldn't mention it beforehand unless you want people showing up to the JOP ceremony (probably uninvited). If you tell people you are getting married at the courthouse on [whatever] date, they will try to attend. So if you wanted to keep that private, I would make the announcement afterwards. (Maybe something informal like FB.) Then continue to plan your wedding!
I actually believe that in most countries you have to get legally married before your "real" ceremony. Just throwing that out there :P
i am saying this WITHOUT reading anyone's thoughts.
you will (and probably did) get some responses saying that it's "wrong" to lie to people and get married BEFORE your wedding. i say "whatever" to that (no offense to anyone, just my own personal opionion...) because we did! we had to get legally married so that he could be immediately put on my insurance to have surgery. we were married in april of '09 and our wedding was june of 2010. i told a lot of people AT the wedding that we'd already been married over a year and of course got a lot of shocked responses - but everyone understood and was happy for us! no one was pissed and, if they were - that's their own issue. but yes, for a year and a few months, only a handful of people knew - my parents, his mother & brother (his dad didn't know) and our best friends (my MOH and her husband).
I DO understand the thought that a lot of people have that you are "misleading" your friends and family - but honestly it doesn't matter. And it will be your WEDDING. we had our "legal ceremony" in april of 09 but we had our incredible wedding in june of 2010.
if you want to - go for it. in the grand scheme of things, no one will care.
i wish you luck and love and a WONDERFUL marriage and wedding!!!
If I was a guest at your wedding and found out you were "pre-married" I would have zero problem with that. If you explained the reasoning, I would probably congratulate you on finding a creative solution. Your legal wedding will not be that far in advance of the public wedding, and if people ask, you can say that you don't consider yourself married until you say your vows in front of your loved ones. I don't see the big deal. However, only you know your friends and family and if they are likely to be offended. Maybe talk it over with a few people who know your group and see what they think the response will be.
@ab33arch: We're in the same boat as you! I thought it would be much more meaningful if someone we knew officated our wedding. Here, temporary licenses for marriage commissioners aren't granted so we can't have a friend get ordained for us for the day. What we'll be doing is just going to a marriage commissioner's house with our 2 witnesses before our wedding date to sign the paperwork. We're not even going to exchange rings or anything that day. Then on the actual day of the wedding reception, our friend will perform an actual ceremony for us. If guests ask about anything, then we'll tell them. If not, then so be it! Good luck! :)
It shouldn't be a big deal either way. My sister had a JOP marriage before her fiance got deployed. They are not telling the extended family that they did this because it was strictly for any worst case scenarios that could happen while he was deployed. As far as all of our friends and extended family are concerned she is only engaged. They will celebrate their anniversary on the day they exchange vows in front of the family.
I don't think that it is a big deal for her to "lie" about not being married. There isn't a difference in her actions between married and engaged. It's a personal decision, and I don't think people need to be concerned about when the certificate was signed.
My FI/Husband and I did this because now was the time to buy a house and we couldn't do so without being married because of the type of loan we got (VA). Plus, I'd lost my job and when I found a new one it didn't have health insurance and FI/Husband was terrified that I would get sick or hurt and not be able to pay for it. A handful of our friends and family know, but we consider our big wedding date to be our wedding, and will be celebrating our anniversary on that date. Basically, we consider last February to be the time that we had our papers signed. We do not feel like we are "lying" to anyone. This is merely the way that it worked out for us, and it has worked out very well.
I would tell the truth. That way no one finds out and thinks your hiding something. Less to worry about.
Maybe this is a stupid question or maybe I just had too much ADD and missed the answer.. but why not just use the judge or person you want to marry you for your party and skip the double ceremony? That way youre not having to keep people inthe dark about anything AND you have someone you want to marry you... I dont think i understand the situation....
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