To the bees that are getting married again or married for a second time…

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
5032 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2012

I totally get it.  My first marriage ended horribly after 12 years.  I found out he’d been cheating on me, carrying on with a woman he’d known for years.  It made me second guess everything I’d ever thought about our marriage – what was real, what wasn’t?  I no longer trusted my own judgement. I felt like a world-class idiot.  I was completely ready to never get married again – never even date.  I was going to be the crazy old spinster aunt that got invited to wedding/baby showers just because she brought good presents.  🙂

Then I reconnected with a wonderful man I’d known since 1988.  We’ve been married for 2 years and I wouldn’t trade a day of it for anything.   

It is hard to learn to trust again – he and I made a promise at the very beginning of our relationship that we would be blatantly honest about our feelings.  He’d been cheated on before so he knew how I felt.  Anytime we got scared or anxious we talked it thru.

Every day I feel so blessed that God gave me another chance to find the right person.  He was worth the wait.  

 

Post # 3
Member
223 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Sedona Golf Resort

GroovyHippieChick:  what a beautiful story! Reading your post just made me smile.

 

I was married for 10-years to someone I didn’t know at all. He was abusive, anti-social, controlling and had a substance abuse problem. I felt so free and full of life when I finally had the courage to leave. Although I knew I would marry again, I was in no hurry and enjoyed the peace I found in my life. When I met my current husband, I wasnt expecting to meet the man of my dreams but I did. He filled every void and showed me what I really felt like to be loved and adored. Sometimes I catch myself questioning his actions not because he has done anything wrong but because I ignored my own instincts so many times I’m a bit hypersensitive and lack trust. I am grateful that he is patient and understands. 

If I could offer any advice, it would be to forgive yourself because that is really what we hold onto. I forgave my ex-husband a long time ago but I struggle with forgiving myself and until I do, there will be this part of me who doesnt feel that I deserve this man who loves me right. Embrace it all-you deserve loyalty and to be treated with kindness.

  • This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by  vllister.
Post # 4
Member
4845 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

I was going through a divorce from my abusive ex when I met Dh.  Of course, I had plenty of anxiety.  He was willing to take things very slowly, which really helped.

It took time & therapy to realize that I’m safe with Dh.  Seeing him in a variety of situations can only happen over time.  I paid close attention to how he handles himself & found him to be even keeled, dependable & patient.  IOW, the anti ex.

He was ready to get married long before I, but we finally got there.

Post # 5
Member
1 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: October 2016

I got married to my ex when I was 19 because he had gotten deported.  We talked everyday and I would visit about, every 6 months.  Then he told me that the neighbor left her baby at his house… Then later he told me he was the father on the birth certificate and that he wanted me to bring this baby back to the US with me and raise it as we wait for his immigration paperwork.  Needless to say it was over.  Now that I’ve found my wonderful FI that takes care of me… I can’t pick a date.  I’ve done a lot of planning and I want to marry him. I guess I just don’t want to be divorced again.  I would feel like I’m doing something wrong.  

Post # 6
Member
5032 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2012

SoontobeMrsPagan:  have you talked to your FI about how you feel?  I remember feeling absolutely frozen with doubt sometimes – talking to him about it really helped.

Post # 9
Member
1891 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I had a horrible first marriage. Part of that was because I rushed and it was a whirlwind romance… This time we dated for 1.9 years before getting engaged and got married on our 4 year anniversary. We lived together. I believe that I really got to know him and that he is as wonderful as he seems. I did not doubt my decision to marry him, but I was unsure the first time and did it anyway. If he is not showing the red flags that the ex did then you have nothing to worry about. Good luck and congrats! 

Post # 10
Member
4845 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

bebelicious1:  

My marriage to my abuser was a rush rush whirlwind romance, too.

Post # 11
Member
5788 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

OmbreBee:  At some point after you have worked through the main issues and trauma like you did, you have to 1) trust that you are stronger and better able trust your own intuition and 2) it’s not about trusting him (oe him always proving how trustworthy he is) it’s about trusting yourself–trust that if a bad thing happens again, you are strong enough to survive again. 

Post # 12
Member
4845 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

KoiKove:  

Good advice!  We do have to learn to trust our own judgement again.

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