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Depending on my mood, i will either engage them in a conversation about their cultural and gender assumptions to challenge their narrow little minds; or I will offer up that Mr. LK can always change his last name to mine, if he finds it to be that important of an issue in our marriage; or I will look at them as though they have 3 heads and ask why in the world it matters to them what MY name is.
I'm undecided on what I'm doing. I know for sure that I'm not dropping mine and taking his. I will either add his or not add it. FI wants me to tho, but understands. I've had "friends" tell me its "because I know I'll get divorced". I just tell people this isn't 1923 and that its not necessity for a women to change her name if she deems it so. A name does not create/maintain a family, love does.
I'd tell them that in a huge number of cultures around the world, women are not expected to change their names. That your name is no more a measure of your marriage than the size of your diamond or how many cutesy nicknames you use. Your name is part of your identity, one that FI fell in love with, he is just as happy about the choice as you are, and a changed name did nothing to stop the thousands of divorces that happened today alone.
Everyone has great answers to this! :) I especially enjoy Lovekiss's various responses depending on her mood. People can certainly be rude, ignorant, and offensive while coming up with the most ridiculous questions on this topic! I too have been accused of being less committed, and I usually respond that in my mind, the loving bond and strong sense of teamwork that DH and I have developed over the past five and a half years is what makes us a family, not our names. Other times, I just play dumb and ask incredulously, "What do you mean change my name? Oh shoot, was that a requirement for the wedding that I missed? What should DH and I change our names to?" haha
When people address me ad "Mrs. DH's Last Name" I just nicely correct them. One person in my town insists on calling me his last name, and when I correct him he tells me I'm being rude to my husband. This is what I tell him every single time: "What happens inside of my marriage is none of your concern." And then I walk away.
I didn't change mine. If people ask I tell them that I have too much pride in my name. Like you, I am not a fan of DH's last name. He totally respects my decision and is very cool with it. I tell people that it doesn't make me love him any less nor does it make us less of a family.
People do tell me that it will be tough when kids are in the picture. We don't want kids for another 6 years so I figure I may change it down the road. In all honesty the positive reactions I get are so great. With the negative ones, especially from a man, I tell them to imagine changing their name. It's not as easy as it sounds.
Thanks, honestly I loved the responses. It's somewhat refreshing for me to hear from other brides who also love their maiden name.
I am Puerto Rican but out of touch with my heritage quite a bit since living in the US for so long. I looked it up today and although a lot of married women in PR go by their married name, answer to it, they often do not change their maiden name legally.
I think that's the perfect 'excuse' and probably won't be questioned.... I agree though, changing a name in no way signifies your attachment to each other. Some people like it, others don't.
Another question: How did you handle the traditional 'mr and mrs' statement during the ceremony???
I think we are doing it but only so that the pastor can announce we are wed at that point....
@SimplyChic11: I'm not entirely familiar with part of the ceremony (as opposed to reception) but you could have him say "for the first time as husband and wife, Mr X and Ms Y!"
Short harumphy answers work for me.
"Aren't you worried that...?" "Nope."
"What about ...?" "Not a problem."
"But...?" "Seriously?"
Really, my name and its effects (or lack thereof) on my relationship are nobody else's business, and I do my best to make that clear to anyone who offers an unsolicited opinion (and in my case, they're all unsolicited, since I really don't care what anyone else thinks).
The longest response I'll give is, "It's *my* name," which actually is a logical response to about 85% of the questions asked (e.g., What does your husband think? What about the kids? Isn't it really just your father's name anyway? What does his family say?) If they persist, just keep repeating the same thing.
Another question: How did you handle the traditional 'mr and mrs' statement during the ceremony??? I think we are doing it but only so that the pastor can announce we are wed at that point....
We figured that was covered by "I now pronounce you husband and wife."
Honestly, everyone thought it was awesome that I kept my name. Everyone was really supportive. I have a super unique name and my family was really proud. I guess I did not enounter any negativity.
DH took MY name and he said some people were rude, but they weren't the kind of people he cared about (guys at his sales job he didn't like). All others were super spoortive and thought it was cool. Either way, we didn't care. We are very non-traditional idealist types and we don't really subscribe to what we are "supposed" to do.
I do not think it means you are not 100% on board with your husband. There is a whole world out there and cultures handle last names differently. I think those people that are contesting that need to open their minds. Be proud of what you decide.
Most people call me by my married name, not knowing that I never changed it. I just didn't tell people. It's no one's business but my own, and I frankly don't care to hear people's opinions about it.
@SimplyChic11: Our presentation was this-
D and J, in the presence of your family and friends who have joined you to share this moment of joy in your lives, you have declared your deep love and affection for each other. You have stated your wish to live together, always open to a deeper, richer partnership and love. You have formed your own union, based on respect and honor. It is my great joy to announce that you are husband and wife. You may kiss.
((((KISS!!!!!!!!!!!)))
(directed to all) Friends and family, it is with great pleasure that I present to you, for the first time as husband and wife, J and D.
Duh... haha I didn't remember that wording. I actually prefer 'husband and wife' rather than mr and mrs so and so.
:P Feeling silly.
OP, if you will go by his last name formally, I just wouldn't tell anyone that you are not changing it. I just can't imagine why that's anyone's business.
Whenever I get comments about not changing my name, I jokingly mention that DH could always change his name if having the same last name is important. Normally they get the hint after that and leave it alone.
I won't be changing my last name and for some reason I think FI's family is insulted by this. I don't care if they are I just find it bizarre because they already know about my staunch feminist ideals and they are not very traditional in other ways.
Anyway, what I want to add here is that it really irks me that people would try to tell a woman she was not "totally on board" or "totally committed" to her husband because she did not take his last name. That makes absolutely no sense. The reason women began taking their husband's last name in the first place is because they became his property upon marrying him. Not really sure that's something many people still feel is ok, so I don't know why they would be giving someone flack for keeping their own surname.
TBH though I get lots of women want to change their names upon marriage, I don't really get why they want to -- it's not part of my cultural traditions so I guess the feeling isn't there. I've heard the "I don't want to have a different surname from my kids/want to feel I'm part of the same family" reason, but my mother's had a different name all our lives and I'm pretty clear about the fact that she's my mother!
I'm planning to rely on cultural reasons for not changing my name, but funnily enough the most flack I've received is from my own parents. They feel I should change my name to "respect" FI's culture. Yeah, not gonna happen ...
The closest I'd go is to hyphenate our names, but if I did that I'd want FI to change his name to the hyphenated version as well, and he's rejected this. I was mildly disappointed he wouldn't even consider it, but I guess I understand it.
@redheadem: I agree. Besides noticing my professional name stays the same, no one should notice. At first I was iffy about changing and leaning towards just doing it. Then I realized I had no good reason to and have agreed with FH I will only change it in the future if I feel like it then. Maybe when we have kids because everyone will probably call me mrs so and so then, but I intend to always keep my professional name the same.
I haven't really had anyone ask me invasive questions about it - they're just like "oh, okay".
I like the other bee's suggestions on how to deal with it - stick to a script. "I decided I wanted to keep my name." is a good line that doesn't really give any more information and sort of communicates that you think further explanation is unnecessary.
Edited to add: Oh! And I disagree that no one will notice - people will ask! You will have to correct many people, even if you skip the cashiers and receptionists of the world as not worth the effort to correct. But eventually everyone gets it and we all move on.
I didn't change my name when we eloped, and don't plan on changing it when we have a more formal wedding, either. I like my name and don't feel it necessary to change it, and DH doesn't mind either way. This has gotten brought up before of course, with one of DH's friends saying he would have been "deeply offended" if his wife hadn't taken his name. I just replied and said that I'd be deeply offended if I was expected to change a part of my identity just because society expects it.
I think it's a bit different in the States though - a lot of people still change their names, but I have plenty of friends who do not plan to when they get married and it's not a big deal. In the UK, however, everyone seems to be much more traditional and a bit behind in gender equality so it's considered the done deal that the wife would accomodate. I guess I'm just too progressive for most Brits! ;)
And with regards to kids, it really shoudln't be an issue. If DH and I ever decide to have a child, it will have a double-barreled last name thus being an equal part of both of our heritages.
Socially I'm going by his, so it might be a little different. Nobody has really commented though, other than to ask what I'm doing. FIL made a comment to DH before we were married, but he never said anything to me. As long as any of our kids have DH's last name, FIL really doesn't care (he was mainly joking around before). Most people really don't care what you decide to do.
@msfahrenheit: hahahah! I said the same thing when my grandmother wouldn't drop the issue!
I've been really stuggling what to do about this. My whole name is already 27 letters so if I hyphenate is will be 37. I aleady have problems fitting my name on forms with stupid little boxes!! I'm seriously contemplating dropping my middle name and making it my maiden name. Then I still get to retain my name and have his. I think our names sound better together than just his...so I understand that one!! Plus my maiden name is unique enough that people remember me by it.
I'm stuck with this issue as well. Before we were engaged I told him that I didn't want to change my name. My last name is not glamorous or pretty, but it has been mine for almost 29 years. Also I feel as if I am snubbing my past by giving it up. When he proposed he asked me if I woud take his name. I suggested hyphenating it. So I am still stuck having to go though the grulling process of changing my name (I don't care how easy some ppl say it is... for something I feel is unnessesary it is too much work)
As far as during the wedding I am okay with 'I know pronounce you man and wife' and in public if someone calls me Mrs. so-and-so I don't think I will bother to correct them. Although I may forget to respond!
I didn't change mine, and I was actually surprised that nobody had a problem with it. My mom was a slightly huffy about it ("I liked my name and I still took your father's") but most people assumed I was keeping mine, and the few who asked if I was taking his were very positive when I told them I wasn't. A lot of them said they wished they'd kept theirs too!
DH's family didn't care because they used to live in a province where most women keep their maiden name...you have to pay a huge fee to change it to your husband's.
At our wedding our officiant just used our first names and said, "And now, it is my great pleasure to present to you, for the first time as husband and wife, linguo42 and hubby42!" I don't mind being called Mrs. HisLast informally, but it wasn't right for our wedding. I did, however, get a small kick out of the card the hotel had for us in our suite congratulating Mr. and Mrs. HisLast on our marriage.
So, I'm not engaged, though I can't imagine ever changing my name. SO and I have discussed, though not into too much detail since, like I said, we're not engaged yet.
That being said, where I live and where I'm from, most (or at least many) people do not change their last names. It can sometimes even be looked down upon these days (sad - everyone's decisions should be respected). Phone books from children's schools are listed both by child's last name and also by mother's last name. While maybe this isn't typical elsewhere, I can't imagine that having a different last name than your child's could really be that problematic. Not once in my life have I ever had someone ask me about the fact that my mother's last name is different.
Just my two scents, if people are worried about changing for a child's sake.
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How did you handle this?
I'm really NOT wanting to change my name, but this is seen as an affront by almost everyone. FH understands and admits he'd feel as reluctant if the guy changed names instead of the bride. I love my name. No offence to FH, but I just don't like his. It's awkward sounding with my own.
I don't mind going by Mrs. so-and-so informally, but intend to keep my name the same on FB and for my career.
I just think a lot of people, not FH, will see this as me not being 100% with my husband. I've had a lot of comments about how I should and not care and it's my wifely duty to do this to be with the man I love.
How did you handle NOT changing your name? Responses to people who vocalized opinions?