Post # 1
How did you handle this?
I’m really NOT wanting to change my name, but this is seen as an affront by almost everyone. FH understands and admits he’d feel as reluctant if the guy changed names instead of the bride. I love my name. No offence to FH, but I just don’t like his. It’s awkward sounding with my own.
I don’t mind going by Mrs. so-and-so informally, but intend to keep my name the same on FB and for my career.
I just think a lot of people, not FH, will see this as me not being 100% with my husband. I’ve had a lot of comments about how I should and not care and it’s my wifely duty to do this to be with the man I love.
How did you handle NOT changing your name? Responses to people who vocalized opinions?
Post # 3
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
Depending on my mood, i will either engage them in a conversation about their cultural and gender assumptions to challenge their narrow little minds; or I will offer up that Mr. LK can always change his last name to mine, if he finds it to be that important of an issue in our marriage; or I will look at them as though they have 3 heads and ask why in the world it matters to them what MY name is.
Post # 4
I’m undecided on what I’m doing. I know for sure that I’m not dropping mine and taking his. I will either add his or not add it. Fiance wants me to tho, but understands. I’ve had “friends” tell me its “because I know I’ll get divorced”. I just tell people this isn’t 1923 and that its not necessity for a women to change her name if she deems it so. A name does not create/maintain a family, love does.
Post # 5
I’d tell them that in a huge number of cultures around the world, women are not expected to change their names. That your name is no more a measure of your marriage than the size of your diamond or how many cutesy nicknames you use. Your name is part of your identity, one that Fiance fell in love with, he is just as happy about the choice as you are, and a changed name did nothing to stop the thousands of divorces that happened today alone.
Post # 6
Everyone has great answers to this! 🙂 I especially enjoy Lovekiss’s various responses depending on her mood. People can certainly be rude, ignorant, and offensive while coming up with the most ridiculous questions on this topic! I too have been accused of being less committed, and I usually respond that in my mind, the loving bond and strong sense of teamwork that Darling Husband and I have developed over the past five and a half years is what makes us a family, not our names. Other times, I just play dumb and ask incredulously, “What do you mean change my name? Oh shoot, was that a requirement for the wedding that I missed? What should Darling Husband and I change our names to?” haha
Post # 7
When people address me ad “Mrs. DH’s Last Name” I just nicely correct them. One person in my town insists on calling me his last name, and when I correct him he tells me I’m being rude to my husband. This is what I tell him every single time: “What happens inside of my marriage is none of your concern.” And then I walk away.
Post # 8
I didn’t change mine. If people ask I tell them that I have too much pride in my name. Like you, I am not a fan of DH’s last name. He totally respects my decision and is very cool with it. I tell people that it doesn’t make me love him any less nor does it make us less of a family.
People do tell me that it will be tough when kids are in the picture. We don’t want kids for another 6 years so I figure I may change it down the road. In all honesty the positive reactions I get are so great. With the negative ones, especially from a man, I tell them to imagine changing their name. It’s not as easy as it sounds.
Post # 9
Thanks, honestly I loved the responses. It’s somewhat refreshing for me to hear from other brides who also love their maiden name.
I am Puerto Rican but out of touch with my heritage quite a bit since living in the US for so long. I looked it up today and although a lot of married women in PR go by their married name, answer to it, they often do not change their maiden name legally.
I think that’s the perfect ‘excuse’ and probably won’t be questioned…. I agree though, changing a name in no way signifies your attachment to each other. Some people like it, others don’t.
Another question: How did you handle the traditional ‘mr and mrs’ statement during the ceremony???
I think we are doing it but only so that the pastor can announce we are wed at that point….
Post # 10
@SimplyChic11: I’m not entirely familiar with part of the ceremony (as opposed to reception) but you could have him say “for the first time as husband and wife, Mr X and Ms Y!”
Post # 11
Short harumphy answers work for me.
“Aren’t you worried that…?” “Nope.”
“What about …?” “Not a problem.”
Really, my name and its effects (or lack thereof) on my relationship are nobody else’s business, and I do my best to make that clear to anyone who offers an unsolicited opinion (and in my case, they’re all unsolicited, since I really don’t care what anyone else thinks).
The longest response I’ll give is, “It’s *my* name,” which actually is a logical response to about 85% of the questions asked (e.g., What does your husband think? What about the kids? Isn’t it really just your father’s name anyway? What does his family say?) If they persist, just keep repeating the same thing.
Post # 12
Another question: How did you handle the traditional ‘mr and mrs’ statement during the ceremony??? I think we are doing it but only so that the pastor can announce we are wed at that point….
We figured that was covered by “I now pronounce you husband and wife.”
Post # 13
Honestly, everyone thought it was awesome that I kept my name. Everyone was really supportive. I have a super unique name and my family was really proud. I guess I did not enounter any negativity.
Darling Husband took MY name and he said some people were rude, but they weren’t the kind of people he cared about (guys at his sales job he didn’t like). All others were super spoortive and thought it was cool. Either way, we didn’t care. We are very non-traditional idealist types and we don’t really subscribe to what we are “supposed” to do.
I do not think it means you are not 100% on board with your husband. There is a whole world out there and cultures handle last names differently. I think those people that are contesting that need to open their minds. Be proud of what you decide.
Post # 14
Most people call me by my married name, not knowing that I never changed it. I just didn’t tell people. It’s no one’s business but my own, and I frankly don’t care to hear people’s opinions about it.
Post # 15
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
@SimplyChic11: Our presentation was this-
D and J, in the presence of your family and friends who have joined you to share this moment of joy in your lives, you have declared your deep love and affection for each other. You have stated your wish to live together, always open to a deeper, richer partnership and love. You have formed your own union, based on respect and honor. It is my great joy to announce that you are husband and wife. You may kiss.
(directed to all) Friends and family, it is with great pleasure that I present to you, for the first time as husband and wife, J and D.
Post # 16
Duh… haha I didn’t remember that wording. I actually prefer ‘husband and wife’ rather than mr and mrs so and so.
😛 Feeling silly.