To what extent do you back your SO/husband/wife up/take their "side"?

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
2783 posts
Sugar bee

@MrsEME:  I think name calling and harassing someone is taking it a little far. He should apologize.

Post # 4
Member
2059 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I back my husband up as long as he is being rational/had a good point. But I wouldn’t ever take someone else’s side and not his. I’d still be on his side but more tying to calm him down etc

Post # 5
Member
845 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@MrsEME:  I agree, she should be understanding of both you. She can’t possibly split her loyalties, but she can be a mediator and say, “We were all wrong here, in different way, eveyone apologize and let’s move on.” Anything less than that could breed further resentment. BUT I do think that you also have the opportunity to let this go for now and address her role between you and her husband at a later time, once everyone has cooled off.

It’s not about backing anyone up, it’s about being mature and respectful of those you love. When you see that two people you love are arguing, you should do your best to help them get back to a peaceful place. 

Post # 6
Member
1318 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I would back up my DH if things happened in front of me and the other person was wrong.

If my DH was wrong I would excuse myself or keep my mouh shut.

If It happened and he vented I would stay out of it completely. COMPLETELY. He is a grown mn and doesn’t need me to fight his battles.

Your BIL is way out of line IMO

Post # 8
Member
3866 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’ll back my DH up if I am involved in the situation, and I will defend him if someone badmouths him in my presence. However, if he has an argument with a friend/relative, I’ll let him vent and support him, but I would NOT call/text the other person. It’s not my disagreement, and DH doesn’t need me to speak for him.

If I were your sister, I’d actually be upset that my husband decided to step in and attack the other person. Sure, I need his support, but I can handle my own battles. 

Post # 9
Member
1302 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@LovelyLaura:  +1

If It happened and he vented I would stay out of it completely. COMPLETELY. He is a grown mn and doesn’t need me to fight his battles.

Exactly – I would take my husband’s side no matter what, however, I wouldn’t insert myself into the middle of someone else’s disagreement if it had nothing to do with me. If he had a fight with his brother, fine, he can certainly vent to me and I would hear him out and have his back, but bring it up to his brother? No. The BIL here is way out of line.

Post # 10
Hostess
7630 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

I wouldn’t get involved if I wasn’t there. But…

@MrsEME:  I don’t think he should have harrassed you about it, but it did sound like he thought the argument involved him (since he perceived it as you asking them to change their vacation.) That makes sense that he would text you about it. The way he acted after that sounds really inappropriate. 

Post # 11
Member
5421 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2014

@MrsEME:  If I felt my OH was in the wrong over something, I would tactfully say so; and I have done in the past. I do the same with close friends; if they rant at me about someone and I can see the other person’s perspective, I tend to play devil’s advocate and say ‘Actually, I can see both sides to this’, and explain why. I tend to find it more useful in the long-run than simply agreeing.

 

I also would never get involved in his business, even if I was totally ‘on his side’. So, I think your BIL went way too far and very much over-stepped the line, and disagree with your sister that his behaviour is excusable. If I were your sister, I would probably have spoken to him and said that I’d rather he didn’t get involved in future, unless I ask/want him to, and would probably be quite mad at him.

 

For example, I’ve had major rows with close friends before; I’ve vented to OH, but if he actually decided to text and harrass one of them I’d be flipping FUMING; that would not go down well with me at all. I can handle my own disagreements myself thanks very much.

 

Post # 12
Member
2114 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

ack…wow, my husband wouldn’t dream of injecting himself into the knock down, drag out, ridiculous arguments my sister and I have…and boy do we have them. He shows his support for me where it belongs…in private. I think her husband is trippin’ for lack of a better way to put it. I mean, I could probably understand if you seriously insulted her and her family in a way that compromises the integrity of the family unit and I mean, it would have to be bad…that he would probably step in one way or another but when it comes to sibling disputes, he’d be wiser to keep his trap shut except when talking with her. 

There could be more than meets the eye to this. Perhaps she dumps alot of crap onto him…makes him miserable…so he in turn needs to blame someone because he won’t have her take any responsibility. Just a thought.

Having said all that…well, in my relationship I do stand up for my husband when it’s due…I don’t get in the middle of things that he can handle on his own…but i do support him. I also tell him when he’s dead wrong (to some degree)…for example he was acting like a jerk at work the other day and sent himself home. I should have told him he was being childish and immature and he should go apologize to his co-workers, but I know my husband will do all of that on his own once he cools down…so I just get on his team and ride it out….but agian, I don’t fight his battles….I don’t think that’s healthy.

 

Good luck with that! 

Post # 13
Member
3736 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I am, as my mother puts it, fiercely loyal. I will stand in front of a train for anyone I love. Regardless of who is “right”, I would stand up for my spouse to anyone. If I knew he was wrong, I would speak to him privately about why I don’t agree with him and, yes, I would ask him to apologize. 

 

If I was in your sister’s shoes, I’d be defending him to you and I’d be defending you to him. For all you know, that’s exactly what she’s doing. Perhaps her husband is just being a pain in the ass, regardless of her telling him to apologize. 

Post # 14
Member
1287 posts
Bumble bee

@MrsEME:  I’ve had a “similar” situation.  I’ll just tell you my story then view my opinion.

 

 

 

My sister (family of 5) came in 1 weekend in January 2012. Met my FI for the first time.  They stayed in my home for an entire weekend, snowed in. Not once did any of them speak to my FI, try to make conversation with him, get to know him. Nothing. They were in OUR home.  

Move forward a year later, FI proposes in January.  My sister replies to my “oh, congrats”.  Gee thanks for being so estatic.   A month later, we decided on a date. In March, I decided to let my sister know the date we choose.  I then texed my 16 yo neice to ask her for her email. I wanted to send her a VS gift card, via email, so she could instantly use it to buy herself a bra.  She texted me back firing back at me “F’ck you and your wedding, I don’t want anything to do with it, your selfish, everyone will go to your wedding and not my graduation, it’s all about you….etc.”  WHAT? Who is selfish?  I’m your aunt, don’t talk to me like that, this wasn’t about my wedding, talking to me like that, you AREN’T getting the gift card, I wanted perfume from VS anyways. 

Supposedly, my sister knew a year in advance that my wedding date was the day my neice graduates highschool. I immediately got texts from my sister, BIL, neice telling me how selfish I was, and all I thought about was myself.  Like I really knew that my neice graduates highschool that day and I purposely scheduled the wedding that day. Mind you, they live 3 hours away. I know nothing about their school and didn’t know that they graduated on a Saturday, of all days! All the nasty texts went back and forth for hours.

My BIL went on FB and  posted all my dirty laundry for all of the family and friends to see.  Because he was pissed off at me for picking my neices graduation date for our wedding date.  

 

Me and my sister were always close. She never once stuck up for me with my BIL or asked him to remove it. She posted below it and posted more stuff about me and saying how selfish I was being for picking that date.  She was on his side, because that was her husband. As much as it hurt me that he put that information out there for all to see, I was hurt, she didn’t care, she didn’t stick up for me. 

I can see their point and I can see yours.  There comes a time when family needs to stick up for family, and a time where spouses need to stick up for spouses.  Sometimes people don’t know the situation that they are supposed to pick, until feelings get hurt and people get hurt in the end.  

I’ve lost a sister because she didn’t stick up for me. I could have seen past her telling me I was being selfish and the big fight, but for her  not to stick up for me for what my BIL did on FB, THAT I can’t forgive. THAT was personal.  And beside the fact that my sister acted like a 2 year old instead of coming to me like an adult asking me to change my wedding date. 

I hope you guys can resolve your issues. It’s not a great feeling to be fighting with family.  

btw, we did change the date, 2 weeks after the origingal.  They don’t know we changed it.  They aren’t invited to the wedding either. After the stuff they pulled above (more than what I mentioned) I don’t want people like that around  me on my wedding day.  

 

 

 

Post # 15
Member
289 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@MrsEME:  I’ll back my FH up when I think he’s right and take the other person’s side when he is being an ass. If I feel like he is wrong about something but he really needs my support then I let him know that I am always here for him, but I disagree with him on that issue and I won’t lie about that. 

Post # 16
Member
8418 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

@MrsEME:  I take my husband’s side, but he’s pretty calm and slow to anger.  That being said, I almost NEVER get into a fight between siblings.  For me, siblings have been fighting with each other all their lives, it’s arrogant and presumptuous to think that I’d have a better understanding of the relationship than they do.

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