Together Over 8 Years, No Ring

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
2059 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Hun that’s so hard, my friend is in exactly the same situation, been together 8 yrs and hasn’t gotten a ring. hints all the time but nothing so far. 

Its easy to say walk he’s just not that into you but it’s not that easy. I think if he’s hesitant to make you his wife after 8 years though there’s sonething up. 8 years is a long time, either u want to be with this person your whole life or not. He needs to decide. I would put a date down maybe, saying I want to be engaged by ____. I don’t think pressure helps cos my friend has done that and it hasn’t worked. 

Good luck I hope it happens soon for u 

Post # 4
Member
1373 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

Some people honestly don’t believe in marriage, or don’t understand the concept of it outside of religious circumstances. Its a reasonable view, there is more than one person out there with it.

It sucks that it took this long for that to come out in the open. That’s why I’m so defiantly against the shut it up pact now! It is your life, these are things that people in committed relationships should talk about.

I would ask him. Just sit him down and say it “Its been eight and a half years and I love you and love our time together but marriage is important to me and I need to know if that is a step you are willing to take and how long you need”

He’ll either say yes or no, and if he says no, then you know.

Alternatively, at this point, you could ask him to marry you. You’d have your answer, and you wouldn’t have to wait and wonder anymore!

Post # 5
Member
44 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2013

He is honest with you and I believe in his mind he thinks you two are already married, but you want to make it official.  I also believe if you live on a desert island, you will be just happy to have him by your side, and won’t care about if you are marry or not.  But it’s not a reality, this socilety expect couple who date a long time to get married.  Since you work, question like “when are you going to tie the knot?” never fail to pop up from coworker and friends.  On the other hand, he probably doesn’t get this kind of pressure.  I think the right thing to ask is why do you want to get married?  Do you see marriage is the utimate commitment?  I didn’t get a sense that you want to get married to someone else for marriage sake, and if you still don’t want to have children, then maybe you should either accept the idea that you may never get married with “the love of your life” or just let him marry you, because he loves you enough and wants you to be happy! 

 

 

Post # 6
Member
295 posts
Helper bee

If he wants to be with you forever, and is willing to marry you to make you happy, then what’s the problem? Go get married! I understand you want him to want it for himself but obviously he doesn’t feel like there’s a difference between the level of commitment he feels if there’s a piece of paper involved or not. The great thing is that he respects that you feel differently and is willing to get married anyway since it’s a deal breaker for you. 

I think the real test will come when you say “ok you said you would get married to make me happy. Let’s do it.”  And see if he balks or not. He might be counting on you needing him to want it too, to keep him from having to make that commitment. (Obviously I hope not!)

Post # 7
Member
484 posts
Helper bee

@FutureMrsAJG:  I think the real test will come when you say “ok you said you would get married to make me happy. Let’s do it.”  And see if he balks or not. He might be counting on you needing him to want it too, to keep him from having to make that commitment. (Obviously I hope not!) +1 to this.

I would pay close attention to how he responds. If this is a dealbreaker for you, you have some decisions to make.

But his 1st response was telling. When he wanted to stay in Japan but you told him you wouldn’t move there without marriage. He decided to come back to live with you. I think he’s all in as much. As he wants to be commitment wise. Too bad this wasn’t discussed earlier in the relationship. Good luck.

Post # 8
Member
1535 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

@FutureMrsAJG:  I agree. I have friends who got married last year and the now husband basically got married because the now wife wanted to. They had a small ceremony at city hall (FI and I were there) and then they had a cocktail party with all their friends/family. And, he spent $40 on his ring!

I don’t think you can make him want it, but if he’s willing to do it for you, then do it! Marriage won’t change your relationship, and I think he’ll realise that and not resent you afterwards.

Post # 9
Member
9137 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

@lilkiwibird:  It sounds like marriage is important to you but he doesn’t believe you need to actually be married to be commited to each other.  I would definitely recommend to take a few days or weeks and consider whether you are willing to continue the relationship with the prospect that he may never propose or want to get married.  If you aren’t willing to forgo marriage, then get out now and move on.  It’s not fait to either of you for the relationship to continue with such a fundamental difference in your views of commitment and marriage.

There are many aspects of marriage that are tied to legal rights that have nothing to do with religion.  For example, the right to inherit property with tax breaks or being able to receive social security/death benefits should he die untimely, being eligible for FMLA leave should he require surgery or be in a bad accident (must be a spouse, child, or parent), reduced rates on insurance (my car insurance was cut in half when I got married the first time), visiting him at the hospital or jail, etc…

Post # 10
Member
458 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Some people don’t see marriage as a requirement for a commitment, my SO is one of those people.  In his view after living together for several years and owning a home together for 3 years he see’s us as married.  He jokes that the minute we signed our mortgage agreement with the bank it joined us together for the next 30 years anyways.

We’ve had some hard times financially as well, with him being laid off a couple times and me as well.  He is finally in a position this year to buy a ring (which he has) and start planning a proposal.  I think for most guys being ready for marriage also comes with being financially secure.  My SO and I started a business this year that’s doing really well and because of that he’s finally ready to think about marriage and a wedding.  After having an unbelievable couple weeks of sales he told me yesterday that he’s ready to set a date for next year and asked if I could be patient and wait a few more weeks for a proposal because he has something planned.

Anytime I brought up marriage to him when we were struggling financially it was something that wasn’t necessary in our relationship in his opinion.  Now that he’s more financially secure he’s able to provide me with the commitment that I want.  So I guess the moral to my whole thing here is give him a chance to find a secure job that he feels can not only support himself but the two of you as a family unit.  In talking to several of my SO male friends I’ve come to learn that for a lot of guys being financially secure is linked the when they were ready to take the next step in their relationship and get married.

Post # 12
Member
2782 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I think you have to decide what YOU’RE comfortable with….because clearly he seems comfortable with the way things aRe.  And if you want something and he doesn’t, it’s no good to Force it.  By no means does it mean your relationship doomed, as long as you can mutually agree on how to move forward.

 

 

Post # 13
Member
6880 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2014 - A castle!

@lilkiwibird:  Don’t worry. He is just waiting for stability. I just got engaged last week after 7 1/2 years. We met right before I left for college and we made it work. Then I went off for my master’s and we made it work. And we finally get to live together now. You guys have been through so much, he’s not going anywhere. Waiting is hard and frustrating and it sucks really bad, but I’m sure he just wants to be able to “provide” for you before he proposes.

Post # 14
Member
893 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@lilkiwibird:  look it is easy does he want to marry you yes or no? You dont need a ring … You just pick a pretty dress and go to city hall … That is getting married. A Wedding is a totally different thing…if he does not honestly dump him and move on dont waste your youth with someone who After 9 years is not sure.

 

so think about it.

Post # 15
Member
6880 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2014 - A castle!

I don’t like how people assume that others in long relationships before engagements are “wasting their youth.” I was with FI for many years before getting engaged, none of which I view as “wasted.” Even if things didn’t work out with us, I wouldn’t consider it time wasted. I don’t consider any of the time I spent dating other people “wasting my youth.” As all of my experiences have contributed to the person that I am. People have their own reasons for delaying an engagement. For us, it was more important to first live closer than 2 hours away, and then actually LIVE together, and to buy our own house and be financially stable. Maybe he isn’t in a spot in his life just yet where he is personally ready for marriage, but it doesn’t discount that he will be one day. He’s done all of the things to show OP that he’s committed, some guys just have their own timelines that do or don’t necessarily line up with our own.

OP, I would suggest asking him in earnestly where he wants to be 5 years from now. If he says by your side married to you, just relax and give him some more time. Don’t let waiting frustrations and anxiety start to affect your relationship (I made that mistake for awhile). Just enjoy this time in your lives together.

Post # 16
Member
1779 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 1997

@FutureDrAtkins:  you said: “I don’t like how people assume that others in long relationships before engagements are “wasting their youth.”

Maybe the same way you made an asumption in your original response?: “Don’t worry. He is just waiting for stability. “

We all make assumptions, much of the time it’s based on our own experiences as you mentioned yours…

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