Post # 1
I am 43. My partner is 16 years older than me. We started seeing each other when I was 31.
We have lived together since 2003 but he won’t propose.
His first wife (who he was married to for 20 years) passed away. I am sure he thinks that if he marries me then I will pop my cloggs.
Post # 3
I’m assuming you’ve talked about this… what does he have to say? Does he truly never want to get married again?
If that’s the case, and marriage is something you value, this is not the right man for you.
Post # 4
Only you can decide that. It all depends on how important getting married is. Is it an absolute deal-breaker or can you stay with him and be happy, unmarried, perhaps forever? What does he say when you talk to him about it?
Post # 5
Have you talked to him about it? I’ve been with my SO for 11 years but we are also younger and are now ready to get married. If marriage os very important to you, you should talk with him and see what he is afraid of.
Post # 6
My mother was widowed in her young 30’s very tragically and to be honest she never wants to get married again.
I don’t think your man doesn’t have commitment for you , its more of a painful past situation.
Im not sure if you have talked to him about it, but my mom forewarns people she dates that she can’t even fathom marriage at the moment.
Theres always a promise ring or somthing if your looking for a symbol for outsiders or a token between the two of you.
Post # 7
You’re a very patient lady.
my advise is that you have to decide how important being married is to you, and if it’s a ‘deal breaker’ then it may be time to move on
Post # 8
WOW. That sucks. Though it seems his reason for wanting to delay commitment is more valid than many I’ve seen on here.
I think you two are overdue for some long, serious talks. Also, it’s possible relationship counseling will make him come around, if he will agree to it.
Post # 9
Thank you for your comments everyone. They are all really helpful.
I think we will definately be having a serious talk soon. I can’t imagine my life without him so it might be a case of just staying as we are rather than lose him altogether.
At the end of the day, he is a gentleman, he gives so much, really takes care of me and is loyal and faithful.
I suppose all the above far outweighs a ring….. right guys?
Post # 10
@VonnieB: Hi, fellow Canuck. May I ask? If you got together when you were 31 and you are now 43, didn’t you expect a proposal a lot sooner than this?
Post # 11
@VonnieB: I suppose all the above far outweighs a ring….. right guys?
Not if you want to get married. I’m not criticizing your SO, because I’m sure he’s a great guy and I can understand why he might not want to marry again. But you are not the one who had a spouse die. YOU should have your chance to be married if you want to. And don’t believe anyone who tells you marriage isn’t a big deal — if it weren’t a big deal, then your SO would have just gone ahead and married you by now to keep you happy, right?
Do what your gut tells you — that’s all I’m saying.
Post # 12
Yes I do think that all of those things outweigh a ring… But if marriage is something that you value and always something that you have wanted, then I am thinking that maybe hes not the right person. What are his reasons for not wanting to marry? And why did you wait so long to bring it up to him?
Post # 13
I think as a couple that has been living together since 2003 that you are liekly committed and stable which ultimately is more important (as many “married” couples haven’t acheived this).
I understand wanting the officialness of marriage but can also understand his apprehension. At least it is for a “valid” reason rather tahn just “not wanting to”.
While I’m sure this isn’t your primary reason to want to be married and I don’t know exactly how common law works but it seems like you should be covered on a legal end at the very least.
Post # 14
@VonnieB:Do you think he sees no reason to get married? or has not thought about it? Since you guys have been living together as you have said since 2003. Have you talked about? I would make it known that you want to make it “official.”
Good Luck to you!
Post # 15
@VonnieB: As long as marriage isn’t a dealbreaker for you, you’re happy and willing to compromise on this…AND he takes care of you and loves you like a husband should…I don’t see anything wrong with it!
I would take a PP’s advice and just maybe have an “unofficial” commitment (though it is not unofficial at all as long as you two are together and acknowledge it). I say you still deserve a ring though, even if you don’t have the big wedding. At your ages, I would not call it a promise ring, but a commitment ring.
This is actually one of the few circumstances underwhich I understand staying with a man who has not proposed.
Good luck to you!
Post # 16
Have you told him you want to get married? Becaue he is not telepathic. If you have never sat him down and said ” I want to get married” as plainly as that then any other hinting will not have gone far enough to convince him.
You really need to be open and clear with him. If you are happy and do not need to get married then do not let social norms pressure you. Two of my good friends were together for 12 years before the married and they only married so they could adopt. They didn’t feel the need to be married, in their eyes the life they were leading together was already a marriage, they did not need anything more than that.
Definietly talk to him about it. If you really want marriage, if its a deal breaker then he has to know. Otherwise the day you blow up about it and leave he will get a nasty shock and you will have broken his heart.
Clear, calm and to the point. Don’t beat around the bush, be plain spoken. Telepathy does not exist.