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That idea sounds ok, but what if some of the folks attending found out about the dinner? Would you be comfortable saying to them that it was family and close friends only? If so, and you think that person wouldn't take offense, then why not?
Several questions
1. Who is paying for the wedding? Can you afford all the extra guests?
2. What is tradition in your area? Do people from church go to EVERYBODIES weddings!
3. Do you want them at your wedding? Think- have these people actually added anything to, or enriched our lives at any point? If the answer is no, then they shouldn't come.
4. What is their motivation for wanting to come? Free party? Free booze- then no, get the heck off my guest list.
I personally would not have all these people. It seems that the wedding will get out of control and will not be what you and your FI want. In synagogues, people often do a kiddush after a Saturday service, which is tea and little cakes and a special prayer over wine. It would work out much cheaper than doing a separate lunch
wow- I hope you have an unlimited budget!
I don't think you should create your guest list based on word of mouth. Do those eight people that lady listed really want to come to your wedding, or were they just all discussing you wedding at the water cooler at work, not really thinking they would be invited? I'd seriously go through the guest list line by line.
I don't know about etiquette, so I wont comment on that, but I will say that a cake and punch reception will not be enough time for you to even say hello to 450 guests. My mom said the worst thing about her wedding was that she wasn't able to speak or spend enough time with each of her guests (about 250 guests at a full traditional reception). Also, you might need a nap between the two receptions :)
I personally wouldn't do this. I would just put your foot down on the guest list and say that the country club only holds 180 and that's the max you can have for the reception, period. You're happy everyone's excited about the wedding, etc. but you can't invite everyone under the sun.
I'm not good at reading people. (My FI and our friends could be the cast on Big Bang Theory) But when I asked one of our friends I was told "we are the doers. The people that can always be counted on to get a job done. And we have touched more lives than we can imagine."
It is not the norm in our area for everyone to attend, but we have been in our jobs for 6 and 12 years. And many of the people at church, generation 1 were friends with my grandparents and watched my parents grow up with their children who in turn saw my brother and I grow up with their children.
There will be no alcohol. And since have both lived on our own for years and then condensed what we owned when we moved in together a few months ago, we don't need gifts. As near as I can tell, people really just want to celebrate with us.
Since the church does potluck style lunches every once in a while, we found we can get frozen lasagne and sides for about $2.00/person from GFS. My parents offered to cover the reception at the country club when the guest list first exploded to 125. It would be about the same or cheaper to serve several hundred at the church and 50 at the country club as 125 at the country club alone. It was actually my dad's idea to do the lunch before the ceremony. He was concerned people wouldn't have time to eat between the church service (ends 12:15ish) and the ceremony (1:59).
Thank you for the advice! I don't mind the extra people because we really do know all of them or I grew up knowing them, but I haven't been able to find anything that addresses this situation except for "You can't have an after party and only invite part of the guests".
It's done -but it's not considered good etiquette to do so because feelings are inevitably hurt. Those that thought they were close to you and brought presents feel like B list guests (which they ARE). Put yourself in their shoes. You get all dressed up and are excited to attend the ceremony of this bride you are excited for. You think nothing of the punch/cake reception and think it's lovely. Then, another guests mentions - hey, are you going the real reception...... can you imagine?? It's happened to me - and it's awful.
The other thing you could do - is do the dinner with your immediate family beforehand (like the day before) and do the big wedding with casual reception afterwards.
But - keep this in mind - no one expects you to be able to throw a party for 450. All those well-meaning people really will understand if you have a small wedding that they are not able to be at.
Ultimately, it's really up to you and what you and your FI would like to do.
People really don't have any right to invite themselves and you should have put your foot down and said "We're only inviting a certain list of people we are nearest and dearest" and sent announcements to everyone else. As expensive as weddings are, people cannot truly expect that you will pay for them to eat and drink on your dime when they can't be bothered to be part of your lives any other day of the year.
It doesn't matter how many the church can hold. That is irrelevant. The church holds as many as it does for Sunday worship services which are completely different from a wedding. But those who are invited on the "A list" won't know who the others are that came out of the woodwork so it's highly possible for them to slip up and mention to someone else that there is another reception following that they didn't get an invite to. The best way to do that is to have your family dinner and your reception for everyone (if you choose to invite them and the invites haven't already been sent out yet) be entirely different events, preferably on different days. For example, the family dinner the day before. To avoid situations like that in the first place is why it is considered a breach of etiquette to invite more people than you can afford or have room for and thus have to have two separate parties, making one group feel like they don't mean anything to you since they aren't invited to both.
I honestly don't think it's that weird. I think your close friends know who they are - and I think everybody else can enjoy the punch and cake! We have shifted our understanding of a "wedding" to the reception, instead of the ceremony, so a lot of people hear "just invited to the ceremony" and feel slighted. This actually used to be the norm, not the exception.
I think the answer may be to create a larger gap - so that you have your wedding and punch and cake, and then four or five hours later, people go to the dinner (avoids any awkward "what are you doing after?". You could also call it a "dinner celebration" instead of a reception to avoid hurt feelings.
I also think that people will look at how many people are at the church and understand that you cannot possibly feed all of those people at a fancy sit down dinner.
Do whatever makes you feel comfortable, and maybe float a test baloon to somebody who wouldn't be invited to the dinner and see how it would make them feel - like, the next time somebody says, "I'm so excited for your wedding!" that you weren't going to invite, say, "Me too! I think we're gonna keep it pretty simple with a lunch between church and the ceremony, and then punch and cake afterwards, and then maybe later we'll have an intimate dinner with our families and very close friends."
I think most people who really care for you will be psyched to be included at all - because if the option is they can come to the ceremony and not the reception, or they can't come at all, they'll pick the first. The trick is to make it clear that those are the options - that having a full reception for 450 is not an option. You might also want to put "your presence is your present" on the ceremony invites (as tacky as it might seem) so nobody gets offended and thinks it's a gift ask.
I think that that would be fine! : ) Just be sure to have a script in effect for anyone who finds out about the second reception and is offended (although, really...no, just no, it's totally not their right to be offended).
Well I think it's ok but as edb suggested have a larger gap. In my area itis the norm to have two receptions, however the private dinner is first and the open dance, cake, and punch is after. There are never any hurt feelings b/c everyone is happy they get to come to the "fun" part of the evening and dance and party and have a good time. This is what we will be doing except on a larger scale than yours. We are having a private dinner for family and OOT guests for 300 and then open dance reception for 500+... I think it really depends on how your community will take it. If they truly just want to share in the special day with you and the festivities of your marriage and not just get Free Food than why should they have a problem?
I really don't like the idea, for the same reason oracle mentioned. You're doing it to keep people from being hurt/offended, but if it leaks that they aren't getting invited to the real reception (and it will) they'll be even more hurt than if you just told them from the beginning that it was close family and friends only. That's one of the first things I learned about guest lists... you have to put your foot down.
I think if you consider your punch & cake reception The Real Reception, there should be no hard feelings. Provided you keep your dinner fairly low key and the guest list tight, e.g. only bridal party and immediate family. The bigger that dinner gets, the more likely it is uninvited people will feel offended they weren't included. But this way, it would just be that since your reception is in the afternoon you've decided to have dinner with your family later on. Hopefully no one can take that the wrong way! However, if you call the dinner The Reception and make it seem like the real thing, there is much more potential for hurt feelings.
PS I am mostly impressed that you even know 450 people well enough to want them at your wedding :) I feel like I have no friends all of a sudden...
It sounds like your wedding is getting away from you. You shouldn't feel obligated to invite anyone other than your immediate family to your wedding. I'm currently dealing with the people assuming they are being invited to the wedding. I would love to invite them all, but that would mean serving hot dogs and hamburgers in my backyard. If you'd like to do the plans that you mention, it wouldn't be particularly bad etiquette if it's only immediate family and bridal party, but is that really what you want?
Just for a minute, forget about what everyone else wants. Forget about all that you've heard about so and so being so excited to come. Now, what do you (and your FI) really want? Do you envision a smaller wedding with the close family and friends like you had originally planned or do you envision everyone you know being there? If you really just want the smaller wedding like you first planned on then I think you should go with that and just let everyone know as politely as possible that you are keeping it small. I know it's hard to say no, especially when people just assume they're invited, but people will understand. Honestly!
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Short version - Family alone has become more than our original guest list. Can we have a reception at the church, then turn our original reception plan into a dinner for family and the bridal party only?
Long version - My fiance and I sat down and created our guest list. Baseed on close family and friends we came up with 50 people (including spouses and kids). We booked the ceremony at the church I grew up in and the reception at a local country club. Since that point guests have been coming out of the woodwork. Friends that we aren't really close to, family that lives out of town, coworkers, and a large church family have all expressed interest in attending.
At first I thought people were just being polite. I was wrong. For example, a lady that works in a department I do tech support for goes to church with my mom. When my mom mentioned that I hadn't listed anyone from my department on the original guest list, this lady was able to name EIGHT people off the top of her head that had mentioned they were excited about going. The guest list has climbed to over 450! Family and bridal party alone is more than the original guest list.
I feel really blessed that we have so many people that want to share this day with us. And I am really excited that some of my family from out of town (that I haven't seen in years, but have kept in close touch with) will be able to be there.
However, while the church can hold close to 800, the reception site maxes out at 180. I know you are supposed to invite everyone that comes to the ceremony to any reception or afterparty that you hold.
Our current idea is to have a buffet lunch at the church between the church service (getting married on a Sunday) and the ceremony for the guests, then do a cake and punch reception also at the church. Then have a dinner for family, the bridal party, and a few really close friends at the country club since it is already booked. Is this okay as far as etiquette is concerned?