Too much flirting

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Hostess
7630 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

You two need to talk and come to an agreement about the “line” of acceptable flirting. Couples counseling could help. 

Post # 4
Hostess
15072 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

You have to have a very frank discussion with your FH about boundaries. An unemotional frank logical discussion. You have to be honest no only with each other but also to yourselves about where the comfort line is. Then you have to determine whether or not you can live the rest of your lives within those boundaries. 

Post # 6
Member
493 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

it sounds like there are a lot of communication problems in your relationship; WORK ON EM. don’t just ignore them. and i find it funny that you feel hurt. only you’re allowed to go behind his back and do something you say you won’t (don’t)?

Post # 7
Member
2788 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@anonbee6778:  How do you not see anything wrong with cuddling up to someone else. Cuddling is not a ‘flirty’ behaviour, it’s on a much more intimate level. 

Post # 8
Member
3014 posts
Sugar bee

@anonbee6778:  I think maybe you guys do like the same behavior. I just wonder what changed for him. If you didn’t care before that he flirted, why is he make a big stink about stopping, only to continue??? I’m confused. I think you guys need a serious heart to heart. And also, why is he snooping in your phone?? 

Post # 10
Member
44 posts
Newbee

Don’t feel bad!  There’s nothing wrong with you at all 🙂

I am also a flirty person.  My boyfriend is too.  We actually have an open relationship although we haven’t actually had sex with anyone outside of each other.  But the offer is on the table for both of us.  

I’ve gotten bored with non-flirty boyfriends.  I’m also bi.  Unfortunately I think your boyfriend is who he is, and if he’s not that “type”, there’s not much you can do about it 🙁  Is this a deal breaker?  My ex was very straight and faithful, never flirted, never looked at other women, etc.  So I had to find other things about him that were sexy and exciting.  That was his ability to camp in the woods for long periods of time and hike all sorts of altitudes.  I find that very “manly” and therefore my attraction and excitement never left the relationship.  But he was uncomfortable with me being bi and pointing out cute girls, so it wasn’t always easy.

I know I’m not much help, but don’t feel judged.  No reason to go anonymous with this, you are normal!

Post # 11
Member
44 posts
Newbee

OP, I didn’t bother to look at your updates, so I’m sorry for my reply being incomplete.  I would be annoyed at the hiding of information.  It makes no sense.  Unless he is trained by society to think that he “can’t” flirt because that’s what is acceptable, and he doesn’t trust that you are truly okay with it?  I have had boyfriends not believe me when I encouraged them to flirt with other girls.  It took my boyfriend a long time to realize I was seriously not jealous at all.  How long have you been dating?  He sounds a little immature and you both could use some coaching with communication.  Can you look into communication workshops?  They are everywhere.

Post # 13
Member
219 posts
Helper bee

@anonbee6778:  discuss a monogam-ish relationship? I.e.: you can flirt/cuddle/make out with females only, or whatever agreement you two come up with to keep you from going insane and keeping him feeling secure.  

Read, and give him, the book “Sex At Dawn”. 

Post # 14
Member
1067 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

What a bummer!  Definitely have a good heart to heart with him about the whole mess.  If he likes to flirt, and you like to flirt, and you’re both okay with it, there should be no sneaking around necessary.

It sounds to me like he started feeling more possessive of you, and your flirting began to bother him.  Therefore, he assumed that you felt the same way, so he hid his flirting.  Or suspected that you were still flirting, and got ‘back’ at you by flirting with other people.  Guys can be pretty silly. 

You are the same person that he met and fell in love with.  You haven’t changed.  He can accept it or not.

Good luck!

Post # 16
Member
1373 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

Sounds like a tricky situation. Boys can be confusing, but us women can be too! I would put money on that he is probably feeling as confused as you are!

I feel you on the “flirty aspect” I have a very best friend who is a girl, whom I have no problem getting close too. Heck, last weekend we were camping (with both our boyfriends) and I was so sea sick in the morning, laying in bed, and she came and snuggled right up with me. I have a few other female friends whom I’m like this with as well but it is not sexual, its purely a comfort level thing. These are my people, they understand me and love me and accept me as I am and I love them like that. I love them like family, and you darned well better believe I’m not afraid to snuggle my fam jam either!! I suppose its way more “flirty” with my friends than with my family. But even with my friends, it’s not “oh I totally want to take you to bed” bhaviour, its just playful and fun. 

Maybe he’s having a hard time with the distinction? As a bartender, he felt he HAD to be firtatious, it was in the job description. If I were a bartender, I’d wear v necks and flirt my face of too!! I mean, seriously, there is some good cash in effective bartending!! And so maybe it was just “easier” for him then (so to speak) because it was his job description and in his mind yu were probably being the best woman ever and playing along. Then he gets a 9-5 job and he’s 30 and he feels like “wait” All the sudden he a grown, engaged man with a real job and flirting has probably become “innapropriate” in his mind. I don’t try to understand what goes on in those minds but I know that sometimes they feel the same pressures of society and family and relationships and what not. Its all a little different but its  still there. 

So now he feels like he’s past flirting with everyone (in this theoretical possibility) and now suddenly you have gone from the supportive girlfriend who was the best in the world because she played along with the “flirtatious” aspect to the girlfriend who wants to flirt with other people. That would be a blow to the face for me! He probably struggled with it in that frustrating silent way boys like too and then when he didn’t know how to deal with it outloud, it seems likely that he reverted to his former ways of “flirtatiousness” in the workplace, but silently (maybe a little spitefully) because well, that’s what you want and maybe he decided that instead of fighting you on that topic, he’d fight you with it.

Now everyone is confused and hurt and wondering what the heck is going on. I know everyone else has said it, but this really needs to be talked out with him! He’s the only one who knows what is actually happening on his end of this. “Love, I think we need to talk about some things that concern our relationship. I used to feel like we stood on the same page concerning our behaviour with other people but I feel like something has changed and we need to talk about it so we can be on the same page as each other” Then you should explain how you like to flirt but its not because you want to go home with all these people, its because it makes you feel even more thrilled to go home with him! Explain how you like him to flirt too, but that you need him to be open about it for it to stir those feelings for you. And I think you both need to accept that flirting is a way to make you both look for fondly on each other. If only one of you is playing that way. its only going to further the resentment and confusion.

Its a hard talk to have but at this point, its way more than well worth it!

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