Post # 1
I’m putting this in emotional for reasons that will hopefully become clear…
I am a groomswoman this summer. So far, I have spent $2500 on airplane tickets and my dress, and more to come (hotels, food, rental cars, etc). I just found out the “bachelor party” activities are going to cost an additional $500 on top of my hotel, car, and food fo the weekend. I’m pretty ticked off, but having already bought an airplane ticket, what can I do?
But here’s the deal. It’s not that I can’t afford it. I can. I’m just in shock that the rest of the wedding considers this acceptable. Ok, I don’t know all their financial situations, but I do know all of their jobs, and I highly doubt this isn’t at least somewhat of a hit to them. So why practically have to take out a loan for this?
And second (and here’s where the whiny, emotional part comes in), I’m jealous. No one threw me a bachelorette party when I was married. No one threw me a shower. In fact (and there are posts here about it), people complained I was having the wedding where I lived and not in FI’s hometown, which would have been a lot cheaper for them. I know people are never going to be as excited about your wedding as you are, but I feel so awful and friendless right now. My friend’s wedding party is going all out for him, and I couldn’t even get my bridesmaids to throw me any kind of party (and then they complained I didn’t have a bridesmaids luncheon!).
I really don’t want to be a part of his wedding anymore because I don’t think I can enjoy it. But I’ve sunk so much money into it already and it would hurt his feelings if I backed out (because yes, I can hide my feelings very well and he’d never know I wasn’t having fun). Any advice? Please go easy on me, I’m feeling very unloved right now.
Post # 3
I didn’t have any of those pre-wedding parties for either of my two weddings so I know how it feels. But I agree that it’s a ton of money to invest into someone else’s wedding. I have personally backed out as a BM from 2 weddings.
Both times the brides could have cared less but then again, I merely worked with them….we weren’t lifelong buds. Is there any way you can get the tickets refunded and such? Going to weddings and being in them can add up very quickly.
I know a guy overseas that has to go to his SIL’s wedding this year….over $3k for RT airfare alone….he offered the groom to pay for his honeymoon instead….still waiting to hear what he says.
Post # 4
@texasbee: Nope, the tickets are non-refundable. I mean, yeah, I can apply the cost to other tickets on the same airline, but I travel all the time for work and hate to fly for vacation – I have no idea what I’d do with $1800 of leisure airfare.
Post # 5
I am wondering how the plane flights can be over $2000 for just you. Is it overseas? I’ve paid that to go to one friend’s wedding overseas.
Unfortunately you have to separate out the jealous part of you and stomp on it to hide it. If the cost for the bachelor party is too much, you can always try talking to the best man to see if it can be downscaled. Others may be grateful to you for stepping in.
ETA: Just saw your update. Jeez, you paid $700 for your dress? THAT would have been the time to put your foot down…
Post # 6
Those are some crazy expensive tickets! I don’t think $500 is too much for a weekend party, but the travel is crazy.
I too think that brides and grooms go crazy over weddings! On the other hand, I would have loved a vegas style bachelorette and would be pretty jealous if my friends expected me to host one for them when I never got it.
Post # 7
@kay01: $1300 for the wedding (DH and me), and $500 for the bachelor party (just me). And no, it’s not overseas, we just live in a tiny town, so air service is rather limited.
I wish I could step in, but the other four groompeople are all about this trip. And I guess it’s the jealousy more than the money, to be honest.
Post # 8
I’m sorry. That is a flippin’ lot of money.
I think you actually have two issues at hand here and you should try to separate one from the other. On one hand, is the fact that you’re paying a ton of money to be in this wedding and be a part of the big day. You did commit to it beforehand, and it sounds like you have non-refundable tickets. So, I would say just go and have a good time. Is this guy a really close friend of yours? I think it’s worth focusing on that and thinking about whether the money is worth being there to stand next to your friend and see him get married – one of the most important things he will ever do. Odds are, your friendship means the world to him if he asked you to be there next to him. You *can* always opt out of the bachelor party. Especially as a woman, I think it would be easy to skip out on that one since it’s traditionally a “boys night.” But even just citing expense with a simple “I’m sorry, I’ve already maxed my budgeted saving for your wedding but I can’t wait to be there with you on the big day!”
The other issue is that you are sad that this guy’s wedding party seems a lot more supportive than your own. I’m sorry, I can totally understand why you might feel that way. The truth is though, that they’re totally unrelated. We all have different things in life that are amazing for us, and others that disappoint us. For example, I think a lot of my friends get a little jealous that I work in a career where I get to travel a lot and do things that they think seem exciting. However, sometimes I’m jealous of the fact that they can pop over and see their whole family for a weekend or even just an afternoon. I haven’t seen my parents, siblings, or grandparents in person in literally a year. It can be a bit gutwrenching at times.
Do you see where I’m going with this? Your bridal party didn’t come through for you in the way you wanted to, and yes, that totally stinks. But I’m sure that people see lots of other really wonderful, amazing things about your life. Which one would you like to focus on?
Post # 9
- Wedding: July 2012 - The Gables Inn, Santa Rosa, CA
Well, I understand your feelings, but it’s not these guy’s fault that your wedding party wasn’t idea… So while I understand your emotional distress (I kid you not, none of my 3 attendants can stand to speak to each other [long story!] so while I did get a shower, it was a far cry from what I had imagined) but you have to remember that this is about the groom– not you.
As for the expense; that is A LOT!!! Have you talked to the best man about scaling things down a bit to make them more affordable– not just for you, but for everyone. Also, is there any chance of staying with one of the other attendants to help you save a bit on the hotel/rental car and everything? Even if you can afford it, that’s a TON of money to drop for just the pre-wedding festivities.
Post # 10
That is a LOT of money, but since a lot of it has already been spent, I can only suggest to see it through until the end. It isn’t your friend’s fault (who is getting married) that your bridesmaids were selfish people. $500 seems like a LOT for a bachelor party, who decided on that number? Can you talk to the other guys and see how they feel? Maybe someone else is scared to speak up?
I’m sorry your bridesmaids (who are supposed to be your best friends) didn’t throw you a shower, and then got mad for not treating them to a luncheon! I’ve never heard of a bridesmaid luncheon myself, but sheesh! A shower is kind of a given for being a bridesmaid, they should have known that before they said ‘yes’. That’s not fair to you, but unfortunately there is nothing you can do about it now. Yuk, hang in there!
Post # 11
I think you just have try to get over the jealousy and enjoy yourself. The money is already spent, dont let it go to waste by not being happy while you’re there because of events you didnt have.
Post # 12
@starrynight: I’m confused about the breakdown, how are you reaching $2500? $1300 for flights for two people, $500 for bachelor party, and how much for the dress?
Honestly, $1300 for tickets is annoying and expensive, but not out of this world. It’s great to get them for under $500 each, but that’s becoming harder and harder to achieve these days it seems. As I said, I paid over a thousand for a ticket to India for a friend’s wedding, my now husband ticket was another thousand…
Post # 13
that’s a lot of money for someone to spend on a wedding. i can’t believe your friend would expect someone to fork out that kind of money, whether they can afford it or not. it’s kind of rude. can you forgo the bachelor party or something?
Post # 14
I totally get it!!! My fiance is invited to a 5 star hotel for 4 days and a golf weekend that will cost him $100 per 9 hole round and they plan to golf all weekend. He’s seriously considering bailing since our wedding is three weeks later and he would rather spend the money on us. Sucks but it’s true.
My bachelorette is a mud run ($60) and then an overnight stay at a motel near the mudrun (~$30 per person). I think this is pretty reasonable…ESPECIALLY since everybody will be travelling to attend my wedding just a few short weeks later. Why would I want my friends to go broke? I think as a host you should also consider everybody elses finances. It’s one thing if a group of friends mutually decides ‘hey we’re going to go to Vegas, Mexico, Cancun…here is the budget’ and everybody works together to find a common ground, but usually folks feel uber obligated because it’s a bachelor/ette party that they do it even when they can’t really afford it.
I just don’t think it’s responsible. *shrug* I am frugal anyway. I would rather save and go on a fabulous vacation with my husband than spend $4k on a bachelorette party that isn’t even mine. Eff that.
Post # 15
@WillyNilly: “I would rather save and go on a fabulous vacation with my husband than spend $4k on a bachelorette party that isn’t even mine. Eff that.”
Yes. This is my HUGE issue with it.
@kay01 I think I counted the rental cars twice. I dunno. I worked through the numbers last night and it was over $4000 total.
Anyway, my dress doesn’t fit now and the seamstress can’t fix it. So I guess I’m out of the wedding anyway.
Post # 16
@WillyNilly: My bachelorette is a mud run
I’m totally crazy about you right now, just so ya know. 😉