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I'm not sure how you can incorporate more American stuff in the wedding. As an American though, I might find it interesting to see a wedding from another culture since I wouldn't have an opportunity to see it otherwise.
Um tell them and put your foot down, especially since your family is paying for most of it. If you don't like someone veto it and veto it for real. If your planner is giving you grief, fire her.
My FI is Belgian and I'm American and I can see that if we got married in Belgium or US it would be mainly Belgian or American, so we chose netral territory, Northern Ireland, since we met there. It works better this way and we can incorportate both US, Belgian and even English customs into our wedding.
Good luck, don't let them get away with planning it their way, and if you don't like it tell daddy not to write a check.
This sounds really hard, I am sorry you are going through this. Maybe do some planning by yourself? What other american ideas did you have?
Hello Romabride,
I feel your pain. I am in the same boat as you are. We are having the wedding in my FI town. My family is a different culture and there will be no part of it in the wedding. They live far away and have had no part in the planning. As a matter of fact some people jokingly call her the MOB.
When I get upset, my FI looks at me like I am crazy but he is the sweetest man ever. In addition my family does not drink alcohol and are against it so we can't invite them.
Since you are paying for the wedding then you should have a say in the wedding. Your wedding planner should try to incorporate your ideas. That is her job.
Good luck!
You need to sit down alone, and figure what American elements are really important to you. The fact is whether it is in Italy or not, it is you wedding too AND YOUR parents are covering 70% of the cost. I don't know how far along you are in the planning process but you need to speak up for yourself now. You only get one wedding day and you should feel free to enjoy it and have your wishes heard. You don't have to be confrontational but be firm.
I am in a similar situation. I am Catholic, black, and come from a working class Caribbean background. My FI is Jewish, white, and come from an upper middle class background. We all have very different ideas of what a wedding should look like. But at the end of the day, if you want it so, it should be a reflection of your AND your FI, not just one sided. Good luck!
Dude, you should definitely be able to wear whatever the f you want. It's your wedding day! I would go a little bridezilla here, if I were you. There is just too much you are relenting on, and although it is just one day, you might later regret not standing up for what you want.
Set the precedent now.
Do what makes you happy! Who cares if they roll their eyes, it's your day and you'll remember it forever as will your parents. I'm sure they've dreamed about the day their little girl gets married since you were born. If the wedding planner doesn't like it who cares?! You're paying them to help you, not make your decisions.
I'm sure you're day will be beautiful just take deep breathes and remember to follow your heart and your style.
Thank you all for your kind and encouraging words. I agree wholeheartedly with all of you. I think the language barrier (even tho my Italian is very good) makes it extra difficult, especially when it comes to expressing my (radical-to them) ideas.
As far as what I wear, there is no way they will make me change my mind. A candy buffet, black ribbons in my bouquet (black=death, apparently) a book instead of a ring pillow and a fantastic American wedding cake have all been ideas I refuse back down on, and at the end of the day I don't care what anyone says. The hard thing has been that I have to keep things to myself, because I know what they would say if I said, "so.... I'm planning on wearing red shoes...." (gasp! The horror!) You should have seen FI's face when I told him I was using black envelopes. He vetoed that but in the end we compromised and his fam got ivory, my friends and fam got black with gold calligraphy. Even he admited mine were gorgeous in the end. I would like to have someone here (besides my girlfriends--thank God for them) to bounce ideas off of. I get so excited over cute ideas (like sticking the place cards onto pears with a pin) and I want to share them, but all I get are looks that say, "why on earth would you do that?"
Like I said before, they are wonderful, just not used to anything innovative or original. I've decided just to keep my mouth shut and they will get a lot of nice surprises on the day of the wedding! :)
@RomaBride: that sounds like a plan for sure. Feel free to pm me if you want to bounce ideas one on one :) good luck to you
Geeez! I lived in Rome for several years, so I can totally picture a bunch of Italians rolling their eyes at you and saying "that's not done here".
I gotta say, I feel you! My fiance is from Mexico, and we are doing the wedding there (although NOT in his hometown - thank God - which was something his family doesn't get and isn't thrilled with, but I knew it being right where he grew up would mean even more meddling from them plus a tripled guest list).
While his family hasn't been nearly has overbearing as your FI's family has, I know they think some things are weird. Like, I am sending out save the dates and was going to order half in Spanish for his family. He mentioned something to his mom about it and she was like "What!? Why so EARLY!?" and he explained to her they weren't invitations, just save the dates. Well, she told him NOT to send them anyone there, because if someone else sees them, they will get mad they are not invited, and plus people won't understand why they are getting something so early before the wedding (10 mos beforehand is early?).
Now granted - my family is paying for 90% of the wedding so I flat out told FI, hey, if your fam wants a say, they need to pony up the $$$. Well, they seem quite content to just keep their mouths shut as long as they don't have to fund much and just let me do it my way.
I want to do a more American-style wedding procession, and I just know it will be met with confusion, etc. Along with some of the other things we are doing at the reception.
I just say keep your grace, in the end do what YOU want, explain why it is important to you - and as I told my FI - the wedding day is mostly about THE BRIDE AND WHAT SHE WANTS! Everone know it is a way bigger deal for the woman than the man, that is just the way it is. Don't be afraid to stand your ground.
Good luck!
I am going through the same thing here in Japan. Its tough when our traditions are different.
Hang in there. Trying to plan a bi-cultural wedding is difficult. From my own experience, I had to get my fiance on board so that he knew where I was coming from. Sometimes, it put him at odds with his family but in the end, the wedding was about him and I, not about trying to please his parents and a community of people we hardly knew. We compromise to the best of our ability with his parents and was still able to make the day about us. I, myself did not feel that it was fair when my fiance and I were paying for the whole cost of the wedding, yet, his parents wanted everything to be about their culture.
I think if you can find a away to have your fiance understand where your coming from and your feelings on this, you might have more support. The fact of the matter is that it doesn't matter where the wedding take place, it should incorporate both culture and since your father is paying more, you should have half the say in what you want to do.
Good luck!
Maybe we need more details, but I am truly not seeing a problem or anything that I was a guest would see as being overly Italian. Long, sappy speech? Sounds like he really cares and is happy and emotional about the wedding, lots of girls WISH their in-laws felt that way. Super fancy favors that you don't have to pay for? Awesome! Saving on the budget and getting something nice. What are some of the things you've wanted but gotten shot down on?
It seems to me that there must be some underlying issue here that you're worried about regarding FI's family. Maybe I'm off-base, obviously I don't know you personally, but that it just my impression from reading this.
I'm italian, italian weddings are supposed to be a certain way. Just like american weddings are supposed to be a certain way. Personally I think the couple should mediate and incorporate elements from both cultures and personalities. I see you when you say there's too much of his culture. Unfortunately there are some things that we don't do on italian weddings, and there is a meaning for it, even though some people forgot it.
The red shoes ? The bride is supposed to wear white, and white only ( except the " something blue") because it symbolizes purity and virginity. All the other shades, off white, ivory , cream and such are twists to the shiny "whipping cream" white. Other colors, including red are used for second time brides, for example widows. Black is the color of funerals and should not be incorporated into a wedding. Now, I find the red shoes a nice touch though, I can't understand why they'd twist their nose at you...but with so many other colors to choose from, I'd suggest to avoid black.
I see you on the elaborate favors. I dislike them too. Out-fashioned dust collectors they are, and expensive ones. But for italian families, they are a way to show off taste and wealth. They are also supposed to remind people of your wedding years and years to come. If you're not paying for them I suppose you just put up with them, and let his family pick them.
But i'd definitely demand an english version of the ceremony, either written or verbally translated. Your family and friends deserve to know what's going on and what's being said and promised.
Egads, is it too late to change some things? Like have an English reading at the mass so HALF the guests can understand it??
Sometimes I feel like our wedding is too American for my Swiss fiance, but the wedding is in America and I think 95% of the guests will be American, so it would be silly to make it soo foreign. But still, we are doing non-traditional things, lots of things trilingual and trying to include all three languages when we can because there are guests that don't understand English.
I think it would stink to go to the wedding and not understand ANY of it esp when you are the one paying for it (your parents). I would put my foot down that you want to have an English reading or two and you want translations of the whole thing so the guests can follow along.
I really understand your concerns and how difficult the situation is. I waso n the other side in that we got married in the US but DH is European and we currently live in Europe. We struggled when it came to incorporating traditions and ended up sticking to mainly American traditions. We had about 15 German guests but they got the American traditions from movies and TV so it was interesting for them to see an American wedding in person. Particuarly DH's sister who didn't think BMs really wore matching dresses. I imagine your American guests would find some Italian traditions interesting as well. However, we did a lot of dual language in the programs and church readings. As well as most of the international guests understood enough English. We did a traditional night before German celebration of a polter abend. Maybe there are some American traditions you can incorporate outside of the ceremony? I think you can work the candy bar idea in really easily and include some Jordan Almonds which are Italian tradition. Maybe wear your brightly colored shoes for the reception and more demure ones for church. As far as the speech, Why not have your dad read the English version or just write his own. My dad as well as my MIL both gave speeches at the reception and both were differently worded and equally nice. It sounds overwhelming but try to hold onto your pieces and integrate them within the larger picture. IÄm sure you will need lots of patience and luck to get through to Italilans who seem to take everything personally.
I understand what you're going through. I'm marrying a Haitian in Haiti and things are done a certain way. I'm probably a little over sensitive when it comes to potentially offending people. Thankfully my FI is amazing and keeps telling me that we can do things our way. The Haitians in attendance are going to be surprised by some things, but he says he doens't care what they think--it's our wedding. I think we've done a really good job of blending our traditions, but we also spent HOURS talking about wedding ceremonies. There were diagrams and everything!
Why not have a wedding over in America with your relatives as well? I'm Indian, and my mother told me if I married my current boyfriend (a white American) that I would be EXPECTED to have a function of sorts in India after the main wedding in America. Something to think about? If it's been mentioned before, sorry. I just read the first post and wanted to answer.
I think you should honestly say to someone (whether it is your FI/his family/wedding planner), that this is not going to be a 100% Italian wedding. It can't be because you aren't Italian (which is totally okay :)). I've been to tons of fusion weddings, and they are generally my favorite weddings. Why? Because there is always a suprise of some sort. Something unexpected. An interesting way to combine traditions. I definitely think that you should at least have an English translation of the ceromony so that the English speaking guests aren't lost the whole time. Also, any american traditions you manage to stick in could be explained in the program...not that they have to be. I mean I think a good philosophy to have is that this IS your wedding day. Yes, you want your guests and families to be comfortable and taken care. But you don't have a responsibility to have things the way they "expect". I mean I think the next time someone shoot you down you need to nicely say, well this is normal for 50% of the guests. And it is normal for the person payrolling the wedding. Unless the wedding planner plans on paying for the Italian alternatives to everything you suggest, you have no need to follow what they suggest.
I'm half Italian, I know I should have something helpful or supportive to say but all I am thinking is " Your wedding is totally going to rock!! When in Rome..."
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I am an American girl who has lived in Rome for over six years, and I am marrying my Italian fiance in 7 weeks (gasp!)
I love my future in-laws to bits, but I cannot help feeling like this wedding is not bi-cultural, as it should be, but almost completely Italian. FI is the oldest child and only boy, and his parents (especially his father) are pretty traditional. I love traditions too, both Italian and American, and I love incorporating them in the wedding, but I also love new things, and being original, making the wedding about the couple (a completely unheard of thought here!)
The wedding is in Italy, with Italian food and wine, the ceremony is Catholic (my fam is protestant) and in Italian, of course. When I try to incorporated modern American trends, I hit a brick wall (both with the inlaws and often with FI himself) because "that's not how things are done" in Italy! They are so worried about what the Italian guests will think if we break from tradition, and they don't seem to realize half the guests will be AMERICAN! They are INSISTING on having us give elaborate favors (v Italian tradition) to all the guests, even though we both of us hate that idea because it's such a waste of money. (FFIL is paying for them, but it still bothers me).
My parents are paying for about 70% of the wedding, and I feel like they are not involved in the planning process at all (because they are not physically here), and that they don't have a say in anything. Even my wedding planner (who I am really starting to resent) looks at me like I'm crazy everytime I suggest something out of the ordinary. Like wanting to wear red shoes, have black as one of my accent colors, wear a birdcage veil, even wear short gloves instead of long gloves! In the end, I am donig all these things, but am prepared to see rolling eyes!
FFIL loves to be the protagonist of every situation (he's a wonderful, loving man, but quite overbearing) and has planned a speech and asked me to translate so his daughter can read the english version as he reads the italian one. It's long and unbelievably sappy... as only Italian can be. Not only will the Americans think it's ridiculous, I am afraid my dad will feel less important at the wedding, and out of place, because FFIL will be the unofficial EMCEE, and it's my dad who's footing the bill.
Sorry this is such a vent-post. What can I do to make the wedding more American? How can I get it through to them that this is not a traditional Italian wedding because, if you haven't noticed, the bride is American!!