Post # 1
Ack! I’m so tired and stressed out right now.
So this summer has been really full of transitions for us. We just moved this weekend, I am leaving my full time job (and not sure what I’ll be doing for work after August 17th) and we are planning a wedding for October.
My FI is a really independent guy who likes to take care of other people, especially me. It is really sweet but I’m afraid it is wearing on both of us. He tried to do almost all aspects of our move, because I was out of town the week before, and I really had to push to help out with it and even then, he just took things over and even did things like cramming my paintings in the storage unit, which really upset me because thye could have become damaged. His mantra is “Don’t worry about it. I’ll take care of it.”
As we were unpacking last night, I was pretty tired and irritable, as was he, and we got into a big argument. He was really snippy and sarcastic with me and I could barely even handle having a conversation with him he was being so nasty. It was clear that he was really frustrated with me, because he tries to do so much for me and just expects me to be happy all the time. I try to explain to him that I need to do things for myself too and that sometimes I’m going to be grumpy though and I know I need to work on not getting snippy when that happens. We ended up taking some space and talking about it later and made up. But I still feel uneasy about the whole thing. Since he had the day off from work today, I tried to talk him into taking the day to go surfing, which he loves to do, instead of unpacking. He did that but I still just feel awful about our fight.
Have any of you had similar situations? Is this normal to have this happen with all the things we have going on? What can I do to help him feel more appreciated but to also still feel like I’m an independent person?
Post # 3
I don’t have any advice really (I’ve always been the “caregiver” in relationships, and my guys have barely taken care of themselves, let alone me!) but I did want to send you a hug. Sorry you’re stressed!
Maybe the day away from responsibility will give FI the space he needs to think things through more so you can talk more about it.
One thing you might mention is that in addition to wanting to take care of things for yourself sometimes that you’d also like to be able to take care of HIM sometimes (assuming that is true) but since he always takes charge you never get the chance.
Ha, guess I *did* have some advice after all — hope it’s helpful!
Post # 4
i’m pretty independent and like to do things for myself. my FI likes to help out as much as he can (tho we have come to acknowledge our relative strengths / weaknesses). when i want to do something myself even though i know it might be faster/easier for him to do it, i use a phrase which is basically babyspeak for “i do (it myself)” and he knows to back off.. it’s not that i don’t trust him to do it or that i don’t appreciate what he does.. just that i need to do certain things for myself. maybe you could develop a phrase or signal between the both of you too? it doesn’t take away from what he does and means to you. just explain it to him. i’m sure he’ll understand.
Post # 5
Thanks for the advice. We’re already feeling better about things since our day of grumpiness and unpacking. He enjoyed taking a day to surf and we also discussed going in for pre-marital counseling to talk about some of these things. Hopefully we’ll be able to work that out in a way that we can afford it!
Post # 6
All of the stress of the wedding and moving I’m sure compounding things for you. I know that my FH and I have been having a lot more snippy fights lately, mostly because of the stress and everything. Take some time to relax and enjoy each other, do something fun (we went golfing and grilled out Saturday – no wedding stuff). It will help remind each other why you’re doing all this. I know for me and him we can’t WAIT for this to all be over so that we don’t have this stress looming over us, we seem to do better with other things, just not wedding stuff.
Post # 7
Oh my gosh Mambinki! You sound like you are writing about my FI!
We are also in the midst of major transitions, we are getting married 9/26 and suffice it to say there’s been a lot of stress.
But moreover, he’s totally the “I’ll take care of it” guy and also expects me to be happy all the time. He’s a very happy guy himself, but he’s more of the type that does get stressed and down but doesn’t feel comfortable sharing it with anyone, so he used to be tough on me when I would be a normal human being with feelings, LOL. We’ve worked a lot of that out but I’m sure it will continue to be an issue sometimes with us.
Anyway, my point is, I think he was being himself and trying to take care of you and help the only way he knows how…I’m sorry he got so snippy and sarcastic with you, that can be so hurtful. But I think maybe after a few days the uneasiness will blow over and you might be able to talk about this together when some of the tension dies down and you have some distance from the situation. I find that when things are really emotional my FI and I can’t talk without fighting badly (that is in really intense situations) but then a few days later we usually can do a “post mortem” together and we learn a lot and end up feeling better.
What’s important is to make sure that you both feel respected and appreciated, but that you also can figure out how to deal with those parts of each other that push each other’s buttons. I think it just takes time.
Keep us posted and good luck!!! 🙂