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I can´t tell you what to do, but I was in the same situation, and I paid more than $1,000 on the bachelorette weekend, then I traveled again to be in the wedding. The bride appreciated it a lot, and I am glad I did it. I would not have wanted her to back out on my own bachelorette party. I guess I kind of feel like it is a duty of being a bridesmaid. One bridesmaid didn't come and the rest of us were a bit disappointed/annoyed. That is something else to think about... not just the bride but your fellow maids.
I think that's way too much. There are a ton of other ways to have a really great fun bachelorette party without having to fly somewhere or spend a lot of money. I think we all sort of dream about being able to do that but in reality it's not possible. I would never have thought it acceptable to ask my bridesmaids to spend that much money on my bachelorette party. Is your friend really controlling over the planning of this? Maybe you and the rest of the bridesmaids can come up with a plan to surprise her with a party that involves being closer to home? What I've learned from my own bachelorette party and wedding is that it doesn't matter where you are, it's who you're with. That's the most important thing and the biggest factor in having a fun time. Don't feel too bad about it if you do decide to pull out of the plans. She should understand that with everything that is going on with the economy. People need to hold on to their jobs and all the money they have at this point!
Good luck and let us know what happens! 
I would say that's excessive. I am also going on a trip but only to save my bridesmaids some money.
I live in Boston now as does my Maid of Honor but I used to live in Charleston, SC and that's where 2 of my other bridesmaids live, I'm not really counting on my sister to come (she lives in CT). I chose to do this for my bachelorette party because those 2 bridesmaids have to pay for a dress, shoes, hair, airfare, hotels and everything else just to come to my wedding. To have them fly up to Boston for my bachelorette party too would be rude of me so my moh and I are going there.
I would explain to your bride that you can't afford to go with everything else. Maybe find out where they're going or staying and pay for the hotel for a night or start a $100 tab at a bar/restaurant they may be going to just to help her celebrate.
Hope this helps you at all.
I was in the same situation last year. They wanted to do this big trip and I just couldn't afford to go with them. I was honest with the bride. I told her I wanted to go, but could not afford it. She understood and she made plans somewhere a little more local. I felt bad for being the one to say no to the trip, but I had to look out for my own well-being.
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Did she include you in the initial planning? Unless my girls were on board with the choices/$ from the beginning, I would NEVER ask them to spend that much. I don't know other's financial situations, but I would be in shock if one of my friends asked me to spend that much. Of course, we aren't the type to go crazy on attendants gifts, either. Luckily I'm one of the last ones married, lol, so I can see what most of them did.
I have to say IF you can't afford it, it's excessive. A lot of people have no problem paying that kind of money but if you can't/don't want to than yea, it's excessive.
I wouldn't drop that kind of money on a bacholorette weekend nor do I expect my friends to pay that high of an amount for me.
My one bride friend wanted to fly somewhere but we just took charge and planned a super fun weekend some place local instead b/c the bridal party decided her original request was just to expensive. Can you do that? Is there a place nearby that's similar to what the bride wants to do?
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I agree that you should just talk to your friend the bride and let her know your situation. If it were me, I would want to have a more low key event with all my friends instead of an exotic weekend with out some friends and I would like to know ahead of time if someone couldn't come for financial reasons so we could plan accordingly. You don't need to spend a lot of money to have fun with your girlfriends.
hey ladies - thanks for your comments thus far.
the bachelorette trip was sort of a "mandate". she had a heart set on going and that was basically that. in terms of doing something local, her bridal party is spread throughout the country so not sure how much cheaper an alternative idea would be. i guess my gripe with this is, while yes, $1,000 is a lot, i could make it work but in today's economic environment, it just seems irresponsible. also, keep in mind that i'm already going to spend $1,000+ just to GO and BE in her wedding.
We would all love to go on crazy expensive weekend (or longer) trips for any occasion, but the fact is that if it's really important to you as the bride or groom (or party planner in any situation) that everybody be able to come, you plan something that you know is not going to be a strain for your guests. Some people just don't get this. My husband has two friends who are really wealthy, but most of his best friends are not. The two guys with money started out planning a $2500 (!!) weekend golf trip for his bachelor party. Needless to say, the other guys were upset - because there was no way they could afford it. He was not excited to intervene, but I finally said "What's more important to you - having your best friends with you, or going on a fancy trip?" They ended up having a great time at a much less fancy resort, one they could all drive to instead of having to fly.
Your friend is either making some assumptions about your financial situation that are way off base, or is not being very considerate. If it's just a matter of where you foolishly spend $1000 (in other words, if you would go out and blow it on shoes anyway) then you should probably just go with the bachelorette party that she wants. If it's more a matter of having to put it on a credit card, or not being able to meet your other financial commitments, you should definately speak up. Just tell her that while that sounds great, and you would love to be able to do it, you really don't have the money. If it's really important to her to have you there, she will scale back her plans. If the trip is more important to her than having you there, at least you don't have to feel bad about not going. (Although in that case, I would say that she's maybe not as good a friend as you thought.)
goodness gracious-- that's a pretty hefty bachelorette party! i'd tell your bride that you can't make it due to financial reasons (which would be the the truth). i feel bad for making my girls spend about $300 for my vegas trip... i couldn't imagine spending that much cash on a girls' weekend!
This bride is in a tough situation, since her maids are from all over the place and would most likely have to travel no matter where it was. However, since that's the case, she should be understanding that not everyone will be able to afford a $1000+ trip. So, my answer probably echoes a lot of peoples' - let her know that you just can't afford it right now. Her response will tell you a lot about her 
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It's hard to say what I would do. I've been in your shoes several times and most of the time, I try my hardest to save to make sure I can participate in all the bridal party events and trips even if I wasn't financially stable.
It's a hard time right now and I think you have to take care of yourself first. If it comes down to reaching into your personal savings for this trip, I would say that it is understandable that you not go and maybe talk to the rest of the bridesmaid about possible holding it somewhere closer. I've never personally not go to a trip when I was a bridesmaid but the state the economy is in is so unpromising right now.
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I think once you even begin to consider this sort of thing you only add fuel to the fire of the bridezilla complex--that brides are entitled to anything and everything. As a bridesmaid you are already spending probably in the neighborhood of 250-500 for your dress, shoes, hair, and travel expenses, if not more. That's a lot of money.
If all of the maids live out of her area, perhaps a bachelorette party is something that her local friends should do. I would feel awful if I asked anyone to travel (especially with plane tickets being so expensive) for basically a glorified hangover. You're already making a substantial investment in her wedding. You don't owe her anything.
If the bride is "annoyed" that you're not coming, she clearly has no capacity for empathizing with a person's financial situation. You should never feel obligated to spend a lot of money.
I'm so nervous about something like this happening with my bach party. Five of the seven bridesmaids will have to come in from out of town for it and I dont want it to turn into a fiasco. I really just want a weekend with my favorite girls! It's not for a while -- and I know my sister (MOH) is going to handle it as best as possible but I just fear some resentment from the bridesmaids who have to travel for both the bachelorette party AND the wedding.
I'm also in a wedding this May and I'm struggling with the same type of situation. I will have to fly for any wedding events -- and I think right now the bride expects me at both the shower AND the bach party -- just not possible! I truly dont want to disappoint her but there's just no way financially I could do that.
It's hard -- but my advice is to just talk to her. She chose you to be in the wedding because you are close friends -- use that to your advantage. Call her (dont email!!) talk to her about it -- let her know how you're feeling and that you want to do everything you can for her but $1000 is just too much for you right now!
Good luck!
This stuck out at me: "the bachelorette trip was sort of a "mandate". she had a heart set on going and that was basically that."
I tend to be old-fashioned about this stuff, but I don't think the bride gets to decide what kind of bachelorette party she has! I thought this was something the bridesmaids planned and hosted. At least, that's how we've done it the times I've been a bridesmaid. The bride has some veto power (i.e. if the bride hates bar-hopping, we're not going bar-hopping), but she doesn't get to dictate where we go and how much we spend. Are my friends and I behind the curve here? Is it usual for brides to plan their own bachelorette parties?
I agree with everyone else -- level with your friend about the hit your pocketbook is taking and how worried you are about spending that kind of money right now. She's probably just caught up in the excitement and not really thinking about what she's asking from you financially. If she's a good friend, she'll understand your worries.
I'm echoing a lot of what's already been said, but....
Humarock Bride, I feel you: all but two of my girlfriends live scattered across the country, so if I'm going to have a bachelorette party, everyone will be flying in from somewhere. We're going to San Diego (because if you're gonna fly somewhere, it may as well be the beach) and we've rented a house on Mission Beach. It will average out to about $30 a night per person.
My point is that I don't think it's totally crazy for a bride to ask her gals to fly in for a bachelorette party. For me, I know that I'll be so busy on the wedding weekend that this will be a chance for me to spend quality time with gals I don't get to see that often - all under the same roof.
That said, southernbelll, you should definitely talk to your bride. It's hard to plan a trip/party that suits everyone's schedule and budget, but if I had a friend who couldn't come to my bachelorette weekend due to money, I would change my plans to enable her to come. And if changing the plans wasn't an option, I certainly wouldn't feel grumpy toward her.
Good luck!
Wow - $1K is steep, especially in these economic times. Even if you can scrimp and save to make it work, it's terribly rude of the bride to insist on an expensive party that someone else has to host. Bachelorette parties should be about being with your closest pals. It's tough when the wedding party is scattered across the country, but there are ways to work around it.
If you were to go, you'll probably have fun, but if you're already uneasy, that speaks volumes. Go with your gut - tell the bride that you would love to be there for her, but just can't swing the trip in such a shaky economy. If she gives a lot of pushback, her priorities are out of whack. You mentioned that the trip may not happen if you back out - if it does fall apart, get together with the other people and see what you can work out to have an alternate plan.
Good luck!
Out of my bridal party, who's also scattered throughout the country, the only one who will likely make it to any sort of bachelorette party is my MOH since she only lives four hours from me (in my hometown). I'll likely go home and have a party with my local friends and female family members. I would never expect my maids to fly halfway across the country to go to a party. One maid is living off her daycare worker wage while her husband is deployed in Iraq. That being said, for some crowds bachelorette parties are a bigger deal and they turn them into mini-vacations. I'm not planning something like that, or asking my girls to plan something like that, because I know it's not in the budget for any of us. I think if a bride wants to plan an extravagent bachelorette party she should be talking to the girls about the plans well in advance to see if it will even be feasible financially for everyone involved. If your bride wasn't courteous enough to ask if this pricey getaway was feasible for you, you need to say something and be honest with her.
I don't think any bride would want to see her bridesmaid choose the bachelorette over possible serious financial matters. That would be awfully selfish if they do. If we all had the means to afford everything lavish, we'd all have nice weddings, exotic bachelorettes, grand honeymoons and everything ...but since most of us are the average every day population ...we have to work with what we have and just make it work.
I've been to 2 out of country bachelorettes both equalling about $1000 each trip including the bride's trip fare and expenses. It isn't too bad but all the bms worked together to create a budget and destination everyone was okay with and it helped a lot. The key is - you have to work together to make it work. We planned out activities/excursions in advance and went over the itinerary together so that we knew exactly what to expect to be spending. The bride(s) were completely appreciative of how considerate we were to eachother and how hard we tried to make the best of it, even if it wasn't in hawaii/greece/paris ....we all came back so happy and we still talk abt all the great times we had.
So like others have said, be honest about your concerns ....she'll appreciate that!
For my bachelorette party, I'm the only one doing any significant traveling. It just makes sense - I moved to Denver, but my bridesmaids live in the New Orleans area, so I would never dream of asking them to fly here to throw me a party. It just seems cheeky.
That is INCREDIBLY steep IMO. Even for family or a best friend, if it is already a destination wedding and with all the other expenses of being a bridesmaid, I would never EVER allow any of my bridesmaids, friends, or family members put this much money into something for me.
I think this is too much. The bride is just out of control if she thinks she can ask her friends to spend $1,000 for bachelorette party plus the cost of attending and being in the wedding.
I've only been to two bachelorette parties, and both were something the MOH threw together for the week of the wedding. She asked close friends and attendents to fly into town one day early and go out that night. Then we had one day to recover before the wedding. It was tons of fun and relatively low cost (one extra night of hotel plus drinks).
This is where my bachelorette is heading too. It's being planned by two of my girls, and all I know is that I'm getting on a plane and bringing all my backcountry ski/snowboard gear. (which will not be cheap no matter where we end up!)
I'm making sure to tell anyone who is invited that they should not feel compelled to attend. I'd be happy to just hang out at home with them, though I think it's cool that they are doing this. Still, I'm making sure that everyone who is invited knows that they can and should opt out if they are being burdened.
A good friend will understand, no matter what you decide...
I was in the same situation last year. I spent $900 on a bachelorette party that was six hours out of town.
I felt that it was unfair of the bride to request her bridesmaids to spend more money on top of the shower that we had to throw for her, the dress that we had to pay for and the wedding gift we were going to get her.
Still, I bit the bullet and went along with it anyway, just to avoid rocking the boat. I regretted it big time, since I ended up so broke afterwards.
My advice is to be completely honest with the bride about your financial situation. Since she chose you to be one of her maids, she must have a lot of love and respect for you, therefore she will probably understand. She may even change her bachelorette plans just to make sure you'd be there.
But don't force yourself to do something thats out of your means just to make her happy, in the end you will end up miserable and resent her for it.
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The answer is very simple: Either you can afford it or you can't. And if you can't, then simply tell the bride (or the MOH) the situation. Whether the bride "should have" asked for such an expensive trip is really irrelevant. If you can't afford it, then there's nothing wrong with that. I, too, would probably feel bad if there were only three bridesmaids and my not going would eliminate 25% of the guest list. But sometimes, that's the way it is and your situation doesn't change. Good luck. I'm sure that no matter what, the bride will understand.
If the Bride decided on the Bach Party details without asking for input from her wedding party first, then she should understand that some people will not be able to afford it. I had a friend who asked around - I told her I couldn't swing the very $$ destination back party - and she still went ahead with it. Only a few people went in the end. But that was ok with me if she would preferred the fancy party to having us all there! For mine, my MOH polled the BMs and enough ppl weren't up for flying, so we stayed local because I told her I cared a lot more about spending the time with everyone, then where we were.
My only suggestion is to let her know why you aren't coming.
I can see both sides of this. All of my bridesmaids bitched about every single expense in the wedding. Although, I found cheap dresses, had the bachelorette party locally, paid for a lot of their expenses and didn't make anything mandatory. People bitched about everything. I was a little hurt over the effort that some of them made. I think with the right amount of planning and nothing totally out of control money wise, people can SAVE and afford to go. To be honest, it's just a matter of wanting to or not. I know, because I've been in situtation where I just didn't want to spend the money. Not because I didn't have it.
I think that if you can simply eliminate your leisure spending for a few months and find that you can suddenly afford a $1000+ bachelorette party, plus everything that is required to be a bridesmaid, you're pretty lucky. Or maybe just single and without kids? For me (married, two stepkids, both in college) I honestly find that all my money is already spoken for. If I had to find an extra $1000 in the next 3 - 4 months, I could - let me see... tell everyone there would be no Christmas presents; tell the kids they can figure out how to buy their own books for winter quarter; turn the furnace off for a couple of months (it's 37F outside today). We do have some savings that's not in cds or our 401Ks, but that's money that we have agreed is being saved for specific things. So in fact, I can't just take it and blow it on a girls' weekend - any more than my husband can take it and buy new golf clubs. Now, maybe all of that is really what you would call "Not Wanting To." But honestly, telling somebody that because YOU can save $1000 in 3 - 4 months that THEY should be able to, if they just "Wanted To", is pretty naive. And we consider ourselves lucky - look at how many people have been laid off recently. But seriously, I hope to know you when you have a mortgage and a car payment and a couple of kids, just to see how things work out for you...
I think a bride can ask for whatever she wants, but to "mandate" attendance is a bit much. I was a BM and the bride wanted an international bachelorette...I told her up front (before it was planned) that I personally wouldn't be able to go, but if that's what she wanted, she should go for it. She did, and then had another one in her city of residence as well. Everyone's situation is different and hopefully she will be understanding. Don't feel guilty, your most important role is standing up there to support their wedding and marriage. The pre-parties are just extra, in my opinion.
Have you TOLD her or the planner you will go? If so, then please do, as you will increase the cost of everyone involved (or potentially screwup travel, hotel, etc) if you back out at the last minute. $1,000 is average in my circle for a bachelorette, but don't go into debt if you cannot afforrd it. that said, don't say you can and then back out.
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If you can't afford to go, you absolutely shouldn't feel obligated to go -- not at any time, but especially not now, when so many of us are worried about money.
I doubt I'll even have a bachelorette party, and if I do, I won't expect my bridesmaids, who live all over the country and beyond, to attend. We're pretty spread out. I do have another group of friends where I live now, which is where my MOH and one other bridesmaid also live, so I'm hoping my MOH will plan something for us. I guess that's a different situation, but I just know I wouldn't expect my bridesmaids to blow a bunch of money on me. In fact, I'd feel pretty awful if they did.
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I agree - if you can't afford it, you can't afford it. Just let the MOH know up front because I'm sure the rest of the girls are planning on splitting things 4 ways (or how ever many) and with you out it will be more expensive for the rest of them. Knowing early may also change the bride's mind and maybe she'll have it closer to home. Either way, bow out gracefully now instead of going ahead it with and resenting the bride for the next few weeks (or months, depending on how well you hold a grudge). Good luck!
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i told the bride i can't go. she is definitely annoyed/upset in a very passive aggressive way. it's annoying and i'm disappointed by her reaction. as to the costs of the others - no worries. nothing has been planned - in fact the final list of people going isn't even confirmed at this point.
southernbelll, I'm so sorry your friend wasn't more understanding! But I'm sure she'll come around eventually. My guess is that she's disappointed that her dream bachelorette might not happen, but that deep down she knows it was unreasonable of her to expect all of her bridesmaids to pay for such a lavish trip. (In my experience, that's almost always the underlying cause of passive-aggressive behavior -- the person being passive-aggressive knows they're in the wrong but still feels mad.) You did the right thing and I'm sure she'll get over it.
southernbell, that's way harsh of the bride to be giving you a hard time for your decision. I think a good friend should 100% understand where you're coming from. Maybe she's just having a bridezilla moment and will (hopefully) get over it soon!
If that bachelorette party falls through, maybe you could suggest having a girl's night the day before the reherasal dinner...? We did that when I was in a wedding where all the bridesmaids were spread across the country. Granted, it wasn't as exciting as a weekend in Vegas or at the beach, but we all had fun and the bride got to spend some good quality time with her friends. Isn't that what's most important anyway??
Southernbell, you did the right thing. She might be upset right now, but in the end she'll get over it. On a side note, perhaps you can take her out what night or something as an exchange for not going. That way she can still have happy pre-wedding memories with all of her bridesmaids, including you! Take care.
I am currently in the same situation... My background: sister of the groom, bride and I have become quite close over the past few years.
However, I am in my early 20s... and the bride/groom, rest of the wedding party are in their early 30s. Point is, I do not make nearly as much money as they do as I just got out of college and started my career. I know she really wants me to be there... she almost expects me to. I don't want to ask anyone to fund a portion of my trip; I'd rather not go at all. Any suggestions, comments?
@voodoom: I think just like others have posted here, you can politely decline going. I would not accept help to pay for the trip, just simply say you can't go.
@southernbelll: First of all, its rude for the bride to be dictating what she wants for a party that others are throwing for her. Secondly, its entitled and selfish to expect others to shell out over 1K to throw her a party!
No, you're not being a bad bridesmaid - she's being a bad bride.
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I'm a bridesmaid in an upcoming wedding and the bride wants to to go on a trip for her bachelorette party. this trip including airfare, hotel, spending, etc will probably run me $1,000. am i being a bad bridesmaid if i don't go? my main reason is financial. her wedding is a destination wedding (for me) as it is so i have to pay for flight + hotel for her wedding wknd. her bridal party is very small so if i back out, the trip may or may not happen. what would you do if you were in my shoes?
P.S. i got married last year and this bride was in my wedding party. we took a trip for my bachelorette party but not in the $1,000 neighborhood. she was also local for my wedding so aside from bachelorette party, her costs were minimal. (i paid for dress, hair, makeup, etc). plus we were obviously in a different economic climate.