Post # 1
My FMIL is taking it upon herself to invite people to the wedding who were not on the invitation list. Further, she is trying to get me to send save the dates and announcements to her family and friends who have never met my FH (her son). I’ve expressed my feelings about her imposing people on us and she’s going behind my back to look at the proofs for the invitations which were between me and the printer only. She is not helping financially with any of it. The FH is not concerned and says I’m over reacting, that I should let it go and not talk to her. Is it too much to ask that she just ask us if she can have friends we have never met at our wedding (with a limited guest list), if we were planning on sending announcements to family (whom we do not know/stay in contact with), and that we get to dictate who gets to see the invitations before they go out?
Post # 3
First of all, you should have some sort of confidentiality agreement with the printer that prohibits them from showing others your invites. Second, who is paying for the wedding is going to be a big question asked because if FMIL is chipping in etiquette technically says she gets a say in who is invited.
This is going to be really tough if FI isn’t onboard. May I ask why it bothers you so much that she wants extra people but your FI isn’t bothered?
Post # 4
OP said she isnt chipping in at all. Shes being a wedding hog and needs to back off.
Post # 5
@myamyas: She is not helping financially with any of it.
^^That is your trump card right there: No pay? No say.
I’d read my printer the riot act for showing her the proofs. Your FI doesnt seem to care, so I’d take it upon myself to firmly tell her “We cannot afford to have extra guests. The list is complete and we cannot take on any more people. Thank you for understanding.”
Also, depending on who you ask, you shouldnt send “Save-the-Dates” to people who arent invited, since it’s purpose is to remind the recipient to block off that date for your wedding. If you FMIL has succeeded in sending them to people who arent invited, I’d let her know that SHE gets to clarify with them that they aren’t invited.
Post # 6
His parents are not helping financially. She started this all by interrogating me about who I was inviting and who was actually going to show up, then when I asked her for a list of the 15 addresses that I needed she sent me back a list of 77 saying these people needed to be on that list. This is an intimate close family and close friends only affair. We have a max of 120 due to fire code in the building.
It bothers me because she did not ask first and I feel like she’s not respecting the fact that this is our decision and not hers. She’s not asking for anything and it’s just a lot of pressure from her to make things happen just how she wants them.
I feel like if she would have just asked first then I wouldnt feel so strongly about it. Everyone I’ve talked to Except my fiance says she’s way out of line. I think he’s just trying to avoid confrontation with her because he’s always been “the good boy” to his parents.
Basically I just feel very disrespected.
Also, she aparently knows the woman who is doing my invitations and when I found out what was going on, had to put a stop to it. The confidentiality agreement never crossed my mind, and I appreciate that input very much- I will be following up with them on that as soon as I am able.
Post # 7
- Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall
@myamyas: Have you explained the potential cost difference in 120 people vs. how ever many FMIL wants to invite? That should get your FH on board QUICK!
Post # 8
@badabing88: Definitely agree with you. I’m not sending STDs to anyone who is not also invited, I think she may be confused by that?
I don’t feel like the fact that she’s not paying for anything is a trump card at all, but it isn’t a detail to not be considered; I would say the same thing to my dad (who is catering the event) just that I would prefer to be asked first, and if in the event that there’s room for someone else then we can do that.
I’m trying so hard to give the benefit of the doubt, and be flexible, but it’s hard when you feel disrespected and taken advantage of.