Post # 1
Okay Bees so right before the new year my SO got laid off. After almost three months of searchin… HE FOUND A JOB!!!! Yaaaayyyy!!!
That’s been our main hold up is “money”. He’s only been working about a week now so I’m wondering is it too soon to mention anything engagement related such as him saving, etc. I guess I don’t want to push it and make him feel pressured. I know it’s a lot going back to work but I need him to be focused on the task of our engagement as priority. I don’t want him to start making money and then loose sight of me waiting.
Right after the new year he and I had a talk at which time I told him I had a deadline of the new year. Which obviously I didn’t stick to due to the circumstances. But I think I made it clear that I am SOOOO TIRED of waiting. Not to mention our email and text conversations during his off period where I reitirated it. I know he does want to marry me yet he just has a horrible way of showing it. He’s very reserved and doesn’t speak much about the topic at all. A timeline from him would be nice but that just isn’t his style. He is so afraid of “giving it away” or me “knowing too much information” that he just tells me the bare minimum or enough to hold me over for a period of time. Yet I guess I always come back to wanting that reassurance. So that’s were I am now. Just wanting to know what exactly he’s thinking while he’s working and his plan at least saving wise but I know that won’t happen. Ugghhh!!! Our 4 year anniversary is about five months away. And no matter what I’m not waiting past then. I would honestly like to have a proposal in 3 months. I put aside my timeline for his job loss, etc. But no more. That’s the last for me.
Should I even go there with a talk with him to only possibly be even more disappointed in the end and come away with no additional information? Is a week into his new job a bad idea to bring up engagement when he’s pretty much trying to catch up, etc?
Post # 3
I would wait until his been at his job for a while say at least six months. Just give him time to get settle in and adjust. Once his been there for a while then I would bring it back up. Who knows maybe by the time you talk to him he could of been starting to save money for the ring. I hope this helps.
Post # 4
I’d wait or him to get a couple of paychecks before I start with the engagement talk. When it comes to unemployment, it hits guys way harder than it does women. Give him time to catch up a little.
Post # 5
I agree with the others. Wait. If he’s only been working for a week he probably hasn’t even seen his first paycheck yet and hearing he needs to start looking to make a big purchase before he sees a penny from his new job might freak him out. I know it’s hard sometimes and you’re feeling anxious. I don’t know what your feelings are, but if you’re wanting a proposal by your anniversary, maybe you could hint to him about it later on and tell him he doesn’t need a ring to propose. Then you guys could pick something out together later. Just an idea. Congrats to him on the new job, and I hope he suprises you sooner than later! 🙂
Post # 6
I kind of figured that. I really just needed my bees to talk me off the ledge. LOL… I guess I am a bit anxious seeing as though I really wanted to be engaged months ago. But I love him and I was willing to extend my timeline due to the circumstances.
He would never propose without a ring and I don’t think I would want him to. Not being materialistic it’s just a huge part in our opinons. He wants to prove he can provide for me and I understand. I make more money than he does and even offered to help but he won’t allow it. So I have to wait. But it just sucks because I’m so ready to marry him and move forward with our lives. Yet I feel STUCK….
Post # 7
I don’t know if this helps, but I heard someone on the radio this morning make a pretty good statement: “You don’t get married for better and for better.”
I know you’re not married yet, but in most modern relationships you pass through many of the trials that used to be reserved only for couples who’d wed, including things like the loss of a job. It DOES hit a man far harder than a woman to lose your job, AND to know that the loss of his ability to provide for you has led you to a point where you are disapponted that he hasn’t been able to fulfuill a promise to you. Even in today’s age, men are still epected to not only make more than their wives/GFs/whatever, but they are expected to make enough of a living to provide for a future family when the wife may no longer have time to work while rearing children. My Boyfriend or Best Friend often feels a sting from the fact the I make a little more than him simply because I graduated college first and entered the workforce 7 years before him… had we been on the same page back then, and had he not goofed off and finished school, he’d be up about 10,000.00 ahead of me simply becuse he’s a man. It’s a social taboo to acknowledge thse days, but part of the reason men make more on average IS because men aren’t as likely to leave work for pregnancy and childcare, and we STILL expect the man to be the one working – you find a lot more SAHWs/SAHMs than SAHHs(husbands)/SHAFs(fathers) – so a man needs to feel he can not only take care of himself but his future intended as well.
Talking about it now will only hurt his self-esteem – I have to agree with the other Bees and say wait as long as you can before broaching the subject again. He needs time to feel good about himself as a man and a provider, and he needs to feel secure in this new job before a ring/engagement/wedding are even a top priority for him. He knows what you want – and I bet it’s killing him in private that he can’t give it to you yet. Don’t pour salt on the wound – let the job pan out, let him be able to recover from being unemployed both financially and mentally. He might be able to surprise you. Kinda treat it like a postponed ski trip because he broke his leg – you’d not expect him to be able to go skiing once the doctor slapped on a cast, or even the week after the cast is off, would you? You’d know he needs time to heal and get everything back to working order – same thing with the job. 🙂
Post # 8
My Fiance and I were plannign a big trip to Rome, where we fully intended to get engaged and have great pictures and a great story and start planning a wedding. A couple months before our trip he got laid off. He was out of work for a year. We went to Rome (tickets were bought, emergency fund was full, so no point in losing the money cancelling 🙂 )We had a great time. We did not get engaged.
When he started his job, 10 months ago, I said “so we are getting engaged as soon as we can afford a ring, right?” and that was the plan and that’s what happened. We are getting married in 5 months!
I think if you were both planning on getting engaged, and the only interruption was him losing his job, you should feel comfortable mentioning it. If nothing else, to gauge how he is feeling. He might feel much more cautious after losing his job once and be planning to wait a LONG time. It’s better to ask and know, so you can adjust your expectations.
Post # 9
if you have to have a ring for your engagement, because you both want proof he can provide for you, then you need to be responsible and wait until he has the excess income to actually provide for you. it’s no fun, but bringing it up and fussing over engagement will only make things worse. if you’re unwilling to wait for him to have enough money by a certain time, then you can certainly leave and find someone else with more cash!
Post # 10
Give him a month at least before mentioning it, at least two months before mentioning it with a firm timeline.