Too pushy – how do I fix it?

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
480 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I would say just stop bringing it up. It sounds like you’ve already had a talk about it. If you make a big deal about appologising that is still in someways bringing it up. I’m sure it will be hard but just try not to talk about it for a while.

Post # 4
Hostess
7630 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

I think this is more than a behavior change, you need to think about your mind set. Are you ok with never getting married? Because with two timelines behind you, you need to think about the possibility of this never happening. If you’re ok with that, then don’t bring up marriage anymore. If you’re not then you should really think about if you’re happy in this relationship. 

Post # 5
Member
480 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I have to disagree that hesitance at being pushed to propose means he dorsn’t want to propose. This is the big romantic thing that a man can do and they want it to be something they come ip with the plan for and for it to be a surprise. Too much pressure on when or how can make it seem like a chore rather than a special occassion. Backing off is likely to make a proposal happen quicker.

Post # 6
Member
2419 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I know that this is a rather revolutionary idea on a site called Wedding Bee but marriage doesn’t have to be the be all and end all. No marriage is worth pushing an unwilling groom into when you could simply enjoy your relationship and let things take a more natural course. Certainly, if you are happy together, don’t jeopardise this by trying to coerce your SO into marriage when he clearly isn’t ready. Also, the state of constantly “waiting” and the resentment that this can result in is deeply unhealthy. Live your life in the present and enjoy it together and back off on the whole pressure to get married thing. 

I know that my situation might fill you with horror but actually, it worked for us. We are both older and had been married and had children when we got together. Neither of us were in a hurry to remarry but importantly, from early on we knew we wanted a permanent, committed relationship. So we lived together happily for many years until we both knew (rather like a bolt of lightning!) that we wanted to get married because the time was right. We’d been together 17.5 years on our wedding day. It was perfect and all the more perfect because we hadn’t put our lives on hold or put pressure on each other. 

Post # 7
Member
535 posts
Busy bee

@Steampunkbride:  Wow, that’s incredible! It hit you two after 17.5 years? I’m amazed!

I think your post has a lot of wisdom to share (and I am certainly taking it to heart), however a lot of people on these boards seem to have a more ‘traditionial’ mindset (marriage before kids, which is something you two didn’t have to deal with if you were already done having kids before you got married).

Post # 8
Member
2419 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@goodasitgets:  It was amazing that we both just realised that yes, getting married was totally the right thing to do now. So I had a May Day proposal!

I also agree that if you are a younger girl who wants to have children after marriage then yes, you don’t have an endless luxury of time and that you might need to make difficult decisions if you discover that your SO isn’t prepared to commit. So I do think that there need to be thoughtful discussions where you identify if you are on the same page in respect to marriage and that if timelines are agreed, it is only fair to revisit these discussions if things slip. 

But there’s a big difference between an occasional discussion at the appropriate time and the sort of pressure that would make most people feel like hostages to the concept of marriage. If this is aligned to a constant state of uncertainty then that’s no way for anyone to exist or a good way to enjoy what should be some of the best years of your life. Having said this, it’s also important for reluctant partners to be upfront and honest about their intentions. If they really don’t want to commit to marriage then have the decency to say so, don’t play mindgames. 

Post # 9
Member
1779 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 1997

@AlwaysSunny:  +1

you’ve known him for years, dating for 3, you’re both in your 40’s, 2 deadlines have gone by. I don’t think a proposal is going to happen. Don’t think shutting up will help.

Sorry hon.

Leave a comment


Sent weekly. You may unsubscribe at any time.

Find Amazing Vendors