Post # 1
Hello all. I’m new here and seem to be having the same issues that many on this board are and I would really appreciate your insight on my problem. I am 42 and divorced and my SO is 48 and also divorced. We have been friends for many years so, when we began dating 3 years ago, everything seemed to move pretty quickly at first. In fact, within the first month, he told me that he planned to marry me. As time went on, however, nothing happened – and the two dates that we had mutually agreed on came and went and still, no ring. My SO still tells me regularly that we will be married but, at this point I can’t stop myself from feeling doubt. Unfortunately, this doubt has caused me to be somewhat pushy. I nag him and bring it up too much and, I honestly worry that I am keeping him from ever asking. We had a talk tonight and he told me that he feels that I am holding him hostage by attempting to push him into asking me before he is ready. He insists that he wants to be the one to decide when he proposes and that I should just be patient. That’s so hard to do. I don’t want to be pushy and, I don’t want to ruin my relationship with him by constantly nagging him about getting married so, I know that I need to change. I plan to follow Mrbee’s 3 step process but, how do I go about fixing the damage that I have already done? Should I apologize for my actions or simply stop bringing up the topic of marriage? Should I tell him that I won’t mention it anymore or just let him wonder what happened? I know…I’m too old to be making these mistakes but, I guess some of us don’t get necessarily get wiser with age. Sorry for the length of my post but, I would really appreciate your help!
Post # 3
I would say just stop bringing it up. It sounds like you’ve already had a talk about it. If you make a big deal about appologising that is still in someways bringing it up. I’m sure it will be hard but just try not to talk about it for a while.
Post # 4
I think this is more than a behavior change, you need to think about your mind set. Are you ok with never getting married? Because with two timelines behind you, you need to think about the possibility of this never happening. If you’re ok with that, then don’t bring up marriage anymore. If you’re not then you should really think about if you’re happy in this relationship.
Post # 5
I have to disagree that hesitance at being pushed to propose means he dorsn’t want to propose. This is the big romantic thing that a man can do and they want it to be something they come ip with the plan for and for it to be a surprise. Too much pressure on when or how can make it seem like a chore rather than a special occassion. Backing off is likely to make a proposal happen quicker.
Post # 6
I know that this is a rather revolutionary idea on a site called Wedding Bee but marriage doesn’t have to be the be all and end all. No marriage is worth pushing an unwilling groom into when you could simply enjoy your relationship and let things take a more natural course. Certainly, if you are happy together, don’t jeopardise this by trying to coerce your SO into marriage when he clearly isn’t ready. Also, the state of constantly “waiting” and the resentment that this can result in is deeply unhealthy. Live your life in the present and enjoy it together and back off on the whole pressure to get married thing.
I know that my situation might fill you with horror but actually, it worked for us. We are both older and had been married and had children when we got together. Neither of us were in a hurry to remarry but importantly, from early on we knew we wanted a permanent, committed relationship. So we lived together happily for many years until we both knew (rather like a bolt of lightning!) that we wanted to get married because the time was right. We’d been together 17.5 years on our wedding day. It was perfect and all the more perfect because we hadn’t put our lives on hold or put pressure on each other.
Post # 7
@Steampunkbride: Wow, that’s incredible! It hit you two after 17.5 years? I’m amazed!
I think your post has a lot of wisdom to share (and I am certainly taking it to heart), however a lot of people on these boards seem to have a more ‘traditionial’ mindset (marriage before kids, which is something you two didn’t have to deal with if you were already done having kids before you got married).
Post # 8
@goodasitgets: It was amazing that we both just realised that yes, getting married was totally the right thing to do now. So I had a May Day proposal!
I also agree that if you are a younger girl who wants to have children after marriage then yes, you don’t have an endless luxury of time and that you might need to make difficult decisions if you discover that your SO isn’t prepared to commit. So I do think that there need to be thoughtful discussions where you identify if you are on the same page in respect to marriage and that if timelines are agreed, it is only fair to revisit these discussions if things slip.
But there’s a big difference between an occasional discussion at the appropriate time and the sort of pressure that would make most people feel like hostages to the concept of marriage. If this is aligned to a constant state of uncertainty then that’s no way for anyone to exist or a good way to enjoy what should be some of the best years of your life. Having said this, it’s also important for reluctant partners to be upfront and honest about their intentions. If they really don’t want to commit to marriage then have the decency to say so, don’t play mindgames.
Post # 9
you’ve known him for years, dating for 3, you’re both in your 40’s, 2 deadlines have gone by. I don’t think a proposal is going to happen. Don’t think shutting up will help.