Post # 1
In the past year or so, I have come to terms with a lot about myself. I lean towards the neurotic side of personalities and like things just so. I have struggled with depression and severe anxiety.
My FI and I have been together over 4 years and are getting married in November. We are “planning” to start TTC next summer. Of course, if it happens earlier it will be a blessing anyway, if it takes longer, that will be ok too. So I know things may change, but lately I have been having second thoughts.
I have ALWAYS loved kids (especially babies..so cute!!). I used to work in a nursery and I coached a youth swim team of all ages every summer for 8 years. I always planned on having 2-3 of my own ASAP. I couldn’t wait! I know they say dealing with other people’s kids is different than your own..but I don’t think that’s the issue.
Lately I am wondering, am I too selfish to have my own kids? Just a few silly examples: I like my sleep. I get SO annoyed when the dog wakes me up. I want to do the things that I want to do when I want to do them. It was hard enough to learn to “compromise” or just do whatever my FI wants to do, but I love him so I do it lol.
But most of all, I don’t think I will be ok “sharing” my FI. I honestly think I will get jealous. It has always just been me and him (and the dog..). It’s absurd I would be jealous over my own child, but when I picture it it just makes me sad! I am 25, still pretty young. I know I have a bit of maturing to do, but my overall feeling worries me. I couldn’t imagine a life without kids, but I am starting to. Is this a normal feeling?
Post # 2
Why not just wait awhile? Maybe if you give yourself 3 or 4 more years, just you and your hub, you will feel ready to share your life with kids.
Post # 3
texaslemon: You’re only 25 and your feelings are completely valid. Why do you want to start TTC so soon after getting married? Nothing wrong with waiting a few years and enjoying life as a couple (having him all to yourself, so to speak) before having kids. If you were 10 years older and your clock was ticking that would be a different story but 25 is too young to worry about that.
Post # 4
texaslemon: If I were young and wanted kids, I would wait a while. A year or 2. Have the fun with your hubby! I know you’ve been together awhile, but you are still soooo young and can take this time to really connect as husband and wife. As for the kids, I had stepkids for many years, and though it really wasn’t my choice (to have them live with us) I just did what I had to do. Did they wake me up? Yup. Did I have to plan every trip to Target around making sure they could come or had someone to watch them? Yup. But you do it because you love them, just like you said about your hubby.
Post # 5
i agree with PP. Wait maybe a year or 2 or more before you have kids. enjoy being married! then i bet your motherly instincts will kick in!
Post # 6
Honestly, I was with you until the jealous of sharing part. I think picturing your man with your child should be a wonderful thought and something to look forward to seeing, not something that makes you sad. Since you’re still young, why not consider to start TTC a little later so that you have more time to just yourselves after getting married before bringing a child into the family.
Post # 7
I never wanted kids. My son was a very unplanned but amazing surprise.
I am selfish too. I still am. I like to sleep, I like to go where I want, I like to have my space, I like alone time and I like not having to do things on a schedule.
But I sometimes don’t sleep. And in the infant stages it was very hard doing it alone. But my son and I have fallen asleep together a thousand times and it never ever fails to make me emotional when I wake up and he is sleeping beside me. It’s times that he is so innocent and adorable. Plus he has the most amazing lashes which I am very jealous of and now it’s even better because most kids are past falling asleep on Mommy when they are 6 and he’s not.
I go where I want and he goes too. We have adventures, we go to the movies, to Target, to the library, shopping and out to eat. I want a child who could be a part of my life but not have to change every single thing because of it. I missed out on the typical going out and drinking stuff. I’m not sad about it. For example, it was his birthday last week. He decided that he wanted to have dinner at a steakhouse in our area. It is probably the most expensive place around per plate. But he loves their baked potato soup, salads and their steaks. He goes with us, we eat, we have a glass of wine and he has his milk and we talk about our days.
Having children is a HUGE decision. You can’t divorce them, you can’t send them to a shelter when they won’t get potty trained, they might ruin your clothes and your body, take up all the space and money and hot water, they sometimes break important things and make you want to pull your hair out. Not just some of it, but all of it. And at the end of the day they sleep, they give you a smile or a hug and a kiss and a simple I love you and all is right and well in the world. It’s worth it. Every single tiny bit of the struggle is worth watching someone you grew inside you achive a milestone or a goal.
Post # 8
And just as an afterthought. There is nothing in the world that will make you fall deeper in love with the man you love than watching them love your child.
Post # 9
Weren’t you just posting yesterday about how to get your fiance to attend couples counseling? If you’re struggling in your relationship, I would definitely hold off on trying for kids.
Post # 10
texaslemon: Is there any reason why you have to start TTC next summer? If you feel like this, why not wait a bit until the picture becomes clearer.
To be honest, I don’t understand the jealousy feelings. It’s not to say that they aren’t totally valid feelings for you to have, but I can’t understand them. I can’t wait to see my FI as a father. I think he’s going to be an amazing dad. I don’t see it as sharing him, I’ve never thought of it that way. I think having a child is something that just the two of us will share, as a team.
Post # 11
Have you ever seen your FI around kids? I never worry about jealousy because everytime I see DH interact with a small child, I fall a little more in love with him. His potential ability to be an amazing father is one of the things I love about him. I think your own love for your child and attractive quality of a good father will help those feelings go away – after all, he’ll be sharing you, too!
That said, talk to him! He’ll probably understand or even have similar feelings. Also, it’s okay to work out a plan with your FI that entails waiting a few years to enjoy married life, first.
Post # 12
pinkshoes: I have mixed feelings of picturing him with our child. On one hand, it’s a complete turn on. This little human that is ours. A mix of me and him, and he loves it just as he loves me. But at the same time, I would be jealous in not having his attention when I wanted it. Hence the selfish aspect.
Can.I.Be.Mrs.C.: All of this is very true. Sometimes I forget that just as you live around their schedule, they live around yours too. I guess I only get to see the anxious, annoyed, stressed out half of parenting.
cmbr: Yes. This is another reason I am second guessing having kids so soon. I have told him multiple times I think it would be best if we figured out our communication issues before we bring a child into the world. If it WERE to happen, I know he would be an amazing father and 100% commited, but that isn’t enough to make me forget about myself, ya know?
I agree waiting to TTC is probably a better idea. Guess time and figuring out how to work better together as just a couple will help.
Post # 13
sostobe: LadyBear: I never thought that maybe he could view it this way too. Doubtful lol, but I think talking to him may bring up things neither of us would have known without starting the conversation. No, I have never seen him with a child under about 5. There aren’t many young children in our families. He is extremely gentle, patient, and thinks like a kid himself, so I don’t see it being an issue, but maybe when I do see him around a small child the feelings will flee.
Post # 14
texaslemon: YES! YES! YES!
I could have wrote most of this myself! Except the part about always wanting to have kids ASAP. I hear so many people say “i have always wanted to be a mother”… i honestly never felt like that. They are cute and silly and I get along with most of them fine. i always assumed i would have them, but i never was like *OMG I CANT WAIT!*
the jealousy thing? i also kind of get. I mean it does melt my heart when i see SO being such a sweetie with our nieces and nephews or even with our dog. But i did express something to my BFF like a year ago saying that i think he would be SUCH a good dad that i would get jealous because i am use to being the only girl in his life and he would have no time for me! haha I guess i dont really feel that way anymore,but i have thought that before.
I am only 24 and SO is 30. So yes, we have time. But do you all of a sudden get to a point in life where you stop being lazy? or WANT to stop being lazy and selfish? lol I know if baby is coming, you have no choice – your sleeping in daysd are done! But as for TTC – i am so curious about this. We LOVE our weekend naps. We LOVE going out to eat and eating crap food. We LOVE to take trips to Vegas. We LOVE our sleep (seriously – 9.5 hours is a normal night – not a weekend!) i like laying around all day and watching TV or whatever. When does that stop?
Post # 15
leisha606: I don’t think it stops. I love sleeping in on the weekends and going on trips and so on – but I want kids more than I want to keep those things. In the end, it’s just which do you want more? For some people, that’s kids; for others, it’s the childfree lifestyle. You may get to a point where you want kids more than the lifestyle and thus TTC or you may not and remain childfree instead.
I think most of us would love to have it all (kids and lifestyle), but it just comes down to what’s more important to you as a couple – and there’s no right or wrong answer.