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Hey there everyone! I posted this on the Knot website too but I want to know your opinions since everyone here is more my age... My boyfriend and I have been dating for 9 months and we plan to be engaged in the next few months and then married in Oct of 2012. So our relationship will have been a total of 18 months. Now mind you, my boyfriend and I see each other every single day (since we started dating). It's basically like he lives with me... He goes to work and then comes over as soon as he gets off, eats dinner with my son (who is 2) and I, helps me get my son into bed, and then stays with me until about 1 a.m. at which point he goes home and sleeps for 4 hours and then gets up for work and does it all again. I still live with my parents (I'm 22, bf is 31) and my mom thinks our relationship is too new to get engaged. But I love my bf with ALL my hear and couldn't imagine my life without him. I'm not in a rush to be married but I hate being away from my bf even for those four hours he goes home to sleep. He is such an amazing guy and treats my son and I wonderfully plus some! I'm just wondering what everyone's thoughts are on the situation...? Also, let me add that I'm not asking because I doubt our relationship... Someone on the Knot made a comment that if I even have to ask then I'm definitely not ready... I'm asking purely because I'm curious. Thanks! :)
@ChiBride09: The only person who can judge your relationship is you. Personally, I'd say "What's the rush?"
Continue to enjoy this great relationship and grow together. If your relationship is strong and one that will last, then there's no reason to jump into marriage quickly.
There is no magic formula for being ready to be married. I would just make sure you really are ready to get married before jumping in since you do have a son involved.
Also, the schedule he is keeping does not seem maintainable. People need more than 4 hours of sleep a night. Is this a schedule he wants to keep? Or one you suggested?
Personally, I'd think the next logical step might be living together (not at your mother's) and see what "real life" together is like.
Also, I do think there is a little truth to the statement, if you have to ask then you aren't ready. It doesn't mean your realtionship isn't wonderful and will result in a long happy marriage, just that there is some doubt knocking around in your mind.
i agree with KatNYC2011-- what's the rush? every relationship is different, but if you're going to be together forever, why not wait another year and let the relationship grow.
I once saw a guideline on... I think AskMen that I really felt good about. It said (directed at men), you date a girl for 2 years after she turns 22. You can date her as long as you want before then, but don't marry her until you've dated 2 years after 22.
You have a child, so you surely (and rightly) feel like you have had more life experience than your single friends bopping around carefree. I would argue that the growth you experience in the next 2 years alone will be massive in addition to the growth you did in having a child.
I'd also feel better about a young, short courting marriage if you knew each other as friends for a long time first and if you didn't live with your parents. Based on his age, I'm guessing the former isn't true.
I'd say take your time. I get worried when people know each other/date eah other for less than 2 years and get engaged, that's just in general. With divorce rates as high as they are, I think we owe it to 'marriage' to take the time and try to make sure that this is a lasting marriage.
All else aside, the #1 reason I don't like your timeline/ think you're ready, is what you said here: you're counting engagement months with dating months to make it seem longer. Sure, my FH and I discussed marriage 9 months into our relationship.. but this was in making sure we wanted that same goal. I think your SO's age has a huge part to play in this- generalizing, late 20-somethings and early 30-somethings date for shorter amounts of time before getting married. Biological clocks are ticking, sure, but I'd say it's more that they know themselves better and know what they want. I think your SO is there. I think that you are not (yet).
My best advice- move in with him! If you miss him when he leaves to sleep, change that!
I agree with KatNYC2011. I don't understand the rush to get married. You've only been together 9 months, and you're 22. I agree the next logical step would be to move in for a while and just enjoy being together. Seeing each other every day and actually living together are extremely different. So far he mostly spends time at your "turf." But when you live together and you share the space equally and have to make decisions about EVERYTHING together, it's so much different.
And I think if you have to ask the question, it means you ARE questioning whether you're doing the right thing.
@KatNYC2011: I forgot to mention that my mother is VERY religious so she doesn't want us moving in together before we're married... And I somewhat agree with her. Although if she was okay with it I probably would move in with him but after thinking about it I'd kind of like to save that for marriage. That way on our wedding night we can go back to OUR house and share that special experience together...
Also he is the one that makes up his schedule... it's not something I suggested. Although I don't do much to make him leave early... And he sleeps on the couch at my house usually for an hour or two before he goes home. It's just comforting to have him there even if he's sleeping.
I can honestly tell you that there is not a single thread of doubt in my mind... I'm asking your opinions just because it's a controversial topic and I like to know what other people think... but in the end I'm going to do what I feel is right for my son and myself no matter what anyone else says. I'm not trying to sound mean when I say that... So I hope you don't take it that way. :)
I agree with the Knot, and the other posters. If you have to ask, then something in the back of your mind is telling you it's too soon. Who decided on the October 2012 date? You or your boyfriend? Why can't it be Oct 2013, so you settle in some more with the relationship?
Personally, I'd think the next logical step might be living together (not at your mother's) and see what "real life" together is like.
I agree with @KatNYC2011 on this point and others.
It's not for me to judge. But I still think you (and everyone) should take things one step at a time. I know you live with your parents but I find it odd he doesn't stay at yours if he's there so late anyway and then gets no sleep.
Welcome to the Hive :)
@ChiBride09: While no one knows your relationship like you and your SO, I would suggest some caution. I had two kids when my FI and I started dating and with the kid factor I would definitely take the suggestion of living together first. I know some may not agree with that, but right now you guys are in the honeymoon phase of your relationship and for the child's sake, I would test it to make sure you guys can handle the practical things like running a household together. You could still get engaged then move in together and have a 6 month to year long engagement. I think with a child involved, it is always a good idea to be "double sure".
@ChiBride09: Just curious, do you ever go to his place?
Is there a reason he always comes to you?
I understand what you are saying about your mom being religious and not wanting you moving in with him, but you do already have a son. You are now a mother and have to figure out how to do what is best for him. You want to make sure this relationship is going to be a long lasting one so as not to disrupt your son's life too much. And if waiting another year or so helps to solidify your compatibility, I see no reason to rush.
But, again, as I and others have said, only YOU know your relationship well enough to judge.
Also, I'm curious who brought up getting married in October? You or him?
@MrsBroccoli: See that's the thing is that everyone is taking my age into account... And although my biological time clock isn't as close to ticking down I feel like I'm older than I am... Like you said my friends that are my age don't have the same life experience as me... Most people think I'm somewhere between the age of 24-28 when they meet me (not sure if that's a good thing looks wise, haha). I'm also a stay at home mom who does photography part time on the side so I'm not your typical 22 year old. And I'm not sure if you saw my reply above but my mom is very religious and won't let me move in with my fiance before I am married... I mean of course I could go against her wishes and move in with him anyway but I really don't want to do that. I am a Christian as well and would like to keep living together until we're married... Maybe that's why I want to get married so soon... But like I said I'm not questioning because I have any doubts... I am VERY secure in how I feel about my boyfriend and know that whether we wait 9 months or 9 years to get married it will be the same end result so why should I would? I honestly just asked because I saw how much people enjoyed this topic on the Knot so I figured I'd bring it here... It's entertaining and it gives me something to do during my sons nap time... That's all. :)
@MrsBroccoli: I agree with the "dating months" versus "engagement months", I also agree that people in their 30s tend to date for less time. But OP, just because he's in his thirties doesn't mean you are, or that you have to "rush".
@Miss ShowKitty: "double sure" - this is sound advice.
Personally for me, it would be too soon. It's AWESOME that you all are getting along so well and he's so helpful with your son. But I would just enjoy it for what it is right now. Living together/being married doesn't mean you get to be together more necessarily anyway. I have learned sooo much more about my fiance between 9 months and now (4 years)... and I knew him for almost 7 years before we even started dating!
For me personally, I would want more time to grow as a couple before getting married. It seems like you are rushing. But as someone else said, it's your decision and these are just our opinions.
@KatNYC2011: He is in the process of buying a new house right now so he is staying at his mom's and she doesn't live in the best neighborhood so he won't let me go over there for our own safety. I agree that I don't want to disrupt my son's life since it's already a little rocky with his father and I not being together (it's for the best though!!!). But my fiance treats my son as if he were his own... He changes diapers, tucks him into bed, kisses him goodnight, tells him he loves him... He is AMAZING with my son! And I know my son loves him too (as he has said so)... The October date was mutually agreed upon... I'm really not sure who said it first but we both agree that it's a good time. I really do love him with all that I am! I never thought that I would find someone who is, as cliche as this sounds, my best friend, my lover, my confidant, the person I can turn to no matter what, my biggest supporter, the most amazing guy ever!!! all in one place... and I have and I don't want to wait any longer to be in those arms every night... :)
@ChiBride09: Just to add that I am also a Waitingbee with a similar age gap (21 and 33). We don't live together (because of logistics) but spend the night with each other often. I don't think you're too young or too immature or whatever. *edit*But there's a big difference between how you feel now at 9 months and 9 years.
@ChiBride09: Why not wait until he gets his house settled. Then start spending some time over there rather than him always coming to you.
I think it's really important to see how someone lives in their "own" space (rather than how they live in "your" space).
At 22 I was dating the man I wanted to marry and we'd been together about a year at that time. We both knew we were meant for each other, but what was the rush.
We just got married in September and I'm 27. We did so much learning and growning together during that time I am so glad we didn't rush to get married. I'm not saying you need to wait 5 more years, but there's no reason to rush into marriage in 10 months.
Also, being engaged is fun! Why not have a longer engagement rather than rushing to get everything finished by October.
Are you sleeping together? Not to put too fine a point on it, but if you are then you are already "living in sin" just the same whether you live together or separately.
I can't tell you what your relationship is like, but I can tell you two things relating to my own experience.
1) Looking back on how I was at 22, I wasn't ready to be married. Obviously this is tremendously variable.
2) In my personal opinion, nine months would not be enough time for me to make the decision that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with someone.
Your mileage may totally vary, but this is my feelings if I was in your shoes.
I'd also suggest waiting till he gets his house settled and then spending a lot of time over there with him. It seems a little weird that you would have a son out of wedlock but not move in with your fiance but that's your decision. I think you could probably get a similar experience by spending time with him in his own space once it's safe for you and your son to do so.
Another red flag to me is that "your mother will not allow you to move in with him". An adult does not need to ask their parent's permission to make a decision for themselves, so it sounds like even though you have a lot of life experience under your belt because of your son, you are still thinking like a younger person. This alone would tell me you're not quite ready regardless of how old you are.
9 months in general feels rushed. If you love each other and know you want to be together, what's the harm in waiting a little longer? Neither of you are going anywhere and it would give you both time to get things squared away. He gets his house ready, your son gets to know him better, you have more time to discuss and explore your relationship etc.
Ultimately you're not really here for advice since you're going to do what you're going to do. It sounds like you just wanted to get an idea of what people might think of your decision and thus far it seems like most people would advise you to wait, not because of your age but because of the age of your relationship. IMO your relationship is too young for that next step.
I'd wait. I don't think you, yourself are too young, but given the age difference and your life cirumstances, I think you would only gain by waiting, not lose.
I read "The Five Languages of Love" recently, and one thing has really stuck with me. The "in love" feeling, that infatuation, the feeling that he's perfect and you love all of his qualities, can last up to two years. After that, you begin to realize those cute little things annoy the hell out of you, and then your real relationship begins. :) I'm saying this because I never thought about it, but it's so true. For me, it was a year. We never fell out of love, but it was a different kind of love.
I would hope that you would give yourselves time to develop your love and relationship. Trust me, I understand. I always wanted to be married at 23, but it wasn't a reality my (now) husband was okay with then. We dated from 19-25, and boy, has our relationship changed from that first year.
Agreeing with PPs, living together would be a great trial. And "practically living together" is dramatically different from actually living together.
Good luck!
I don't think this is an age issue (Sorry, I'm 23). I think it's a rushing the marriage issue. I understand you love him just like I love my FI to the moon and back. We decided to have a long engagement after a year and change of dating. We wanted to get settled in the real life together (we were in a LDR previously as well). He's still going to treat both you and your son equally as well married or not. You can make the decision as to if you want to move in with him once the new house is built. Give it time and see where it goes.
If you're using the reasoning that your mom is against you two living together as a reason why you aren't moving in together, you definitely aren't ready to get married. You're an adult.
@ananeele: But my thing is... Why create waves with my mother if I don't have to? I like the relationship that I have with my mom and I don't want to rock the boat... I don't think that means that I'm not ready for marriage... It just means that I value the relationship I have with her.
@saraja87: Like I mentioned to someone else... It's not that I don't have my mom's permission to do it and that's why I won't... It's because I know it will create waves between my mom and I and I value our relationship. I wouldn't say that because I value my mom's opinion and our relationship that that means I'm thinking like a young person... You all misunderstand why I won't move in with him.
Also, yes, I hope that we will be together forever but things can happen in the blink of an eye... I'm not talking about divorce... I'm talking about death. My boyfriend's cousin died about a month ago in a tragic accident at work... He was only 26. So that shows you that who knows what could happen 6 months from now. Especially because my boyfriend is a police officer so he has a dangerous job... I want to be able to spend as much of my life with him as God will allow.
I don't believe that our relationship is too young seeing as we haven't dated like a normal couple would... We have spent the amount of time together that I think a couple who has dated for much longer would have spent together. Just because it's condensed into 9 months shouldn't make it any less. If we were to go by the amount of hours, it would probably equal up to what some of these women have been dating.
@saraja87: Like I mentioned to someone else... It's not that I don't have my mom's permission to do it and that's why I won't... It's because I know it will create waves between my mom and I and I value our relationship. I wouldn't say that because I value my mom's opinion and our relationship that that means I'm thinking like a young person... You all misunderstand why I won't move in with him.
Also, yes, I hope that we will be together forever but things can happen in the blink of an eye... I'm not talking about divorce... I'm talking about death. My boyfriend's cousin died about a month ago in a tragic accident at work... He was only 26. So that shows you that who knows what could happen 6 months from now. Especially because my boyfriend is a police officer so he has a dangerous job... I want to be able to spend as much of my life with him as God will allow.
I don't believe that our relationship is too young seeing as we haven't dated like a normal couple would... We have spent the amount of time together that I think a couple who has dated for much longer would have spent together. Just because it's condensed into 9 months shouldn't make it any less. If we were to go by the amount of hours, it would probably equal up to what some of these women have been dating.
@Ms. Gremmlin: I know exactly what you're talking about! I read a book by the same author called "Things I Wished I'd Known Before I Was Married"... It's by the same author and he mentions what you said and the 5 love languages. He also says that the infatuation stage can be longer or shorter for some people. I have dated enough in my life to know when my infatuation stage ends and it's WAY sooner than most... which sounds awful. Mine is 6 months... So I understand what you mean about it being a different kind of love. I learned a lot from reading that book and even after reading that book and asking him all the questions about who's going to clean the toilets and how he's like his parents and his bad habits... We went through the whole book together so I know more about his habits and actions than most people would at this point. The book really opened my eyes.
I think practically living with him is a lot closer than people think.. He only goes home to sleep... That's it. I understand it's different in a lot of ways too but I know how he keeps his car (he has 2 show cars) and his clothes and his papers... meaning how he organizes his space. And I know how he manages money since he includes me in that and I know how his work habits are... I don't know how sleeping in the same bed together would change any of that. He basically lives at my house... The only time he goes home is to sleep like I said... Idk how that would change anything.
You're young, and you don't live on your own yet so you think you have an unconvential relationship and have spent more time together than other couples at that stage. But I'm 32 and when my SO and I started dating, he was sleeping over at least 6 nights after the first month. We were practically living together. And we weren't even talking about getting married after 2 years together because we didn't feel we knew each other well enough. You guys haven't even had a place of your own to do that, so you've actually spent less time together than a lot of other couples -ones that are on their own. It actually sounds like you only spend about 6 hours together a day and it's doing the same thing over and over again.
And what would you do if your mother said no to getting married? Would you listen to her advice to not upset your relationship with her? If you'd still go along with the marriage, that's not the reason you're not moving in with him. Another thing is, can you support yourself financially? If you can't support yourself, it doesn't matter if your fiance can support all 3 of you, you shouldn't be getting married. You said it yourself things can change quick. If he loses his job or gets hurt on the job, you have no way to support your family. You shouldn't get ready until you're both in a stable place.
But it sounds like you already have your mind made up.
The Knot is full of catty stuck ups. So dont bother over there.
I've always believed that a relationship should go through some major turning points before you know if it can sustain. You should have one major fight, deal with some form of loss (death, job, theft), and should also get through at least a year's worth of holidays. Now, that's just me. But if you feel like you've seen the full emotional palate of your man and the relationship, then go for it. If you still dont know what he's like when he's super angry, frustrated, worried, or even to the point of or at tears... then why not wait it out to find out? Sometimes finding out can be just as exciting when you are dating!
Also, I just want to add this... not to be mean or to go against you because it does sound that you've got your heart set on this being right, but a LOT of people your age (and mine, I'm only 24) date the same way you are doing now (pseudo-living together). In fact, the majority of my friends lived with their boyfriends and FIs after two or three months of dating.
@ChiBride09: I moved in with my now fiance after we'd been dating for 4 months. And yet, if at 9 months he wanted to get engaged I'd tell him he was crazy.
What's the rush? I just don't think the "mom doesn't want us to live together" thing is believable. You already have a baby and it doesn't sound like that destroyed your relationship with your mother, so it sounds like she is a lot less judgmental/more forgiving than you are giving her credit for.
@ananeele: Okay but you're also significantly older than me... That's why this was posted to the 20 something forum... I appreciate you're opinion and I'm glad that you and your bf (at the time) took 2 years to date before even considering that but just because that worked for you doesn't mean it's going to work for me. My parents also work a lot so we basically have the house to ourselves... And what was the point of mentioning that it sounds like we're doing the same thing over and over again? We do get out and do things but you also have to remember that I have a son so it's not like I can go out all the time... and luckily I've found a guy who is beyond understanding of that!
I don't think you can compare the marriage thing to the moving in with thing... I know my mom and I know she would be much more upset about me moving in with him than she would be about us getting married after a year and a half! And I personally don't want to move in with him until we're married... I would at least like to save that for our wedding night. I am working on getting my career together... Which should be going by the time we get married in October. I agree that I need to have things in order as well but I also want to be a part time stay-at-home mom which is what I have been doing for the past 2 years. It's been amazing and I don't want to change that!
@ohmybears48: Haha. Thanks for the laugh! I think that sounds reasonable to do... By the time we get married we will have hit all of the milestones you mentioned plus some... We both have children so like I said I think that gives me the upper hand on a lot of these things... Now I am not saying that I don't need guidance or that I'm above everyone else... that is NOT at all what I am saying! But I am saying that I do believe I'm not the 22 year old that everyone thinks I am... Honestly all of my friends are older and so is my boyfriend... I don't feel like I'm 22.
I also feel like living with my bf before it's permanent wouldn't be the best thing for my son... I want him to have the most stable life possible and I know it's already rocky so why shake it up more. It's nice to have grandma and grandpa around for the time being and I can't just move in and decide it's not for me like other people my age... This is NOT me saying that I don't think it will be a permanent thing with my boyfriend but I want the paper making it official before I move my son out of the house he's grown up in...
@Over the Moon: She may be able to forgive me and get over it but two wrongs don't make a right... Just because she got over the pregnancy thing doesn't mean I want to go through that again with her on a different level. If I don't have to create those waves with her then I don't want to... She's been there for me through it all and I don't want to cause her any more hurt than I already did.
Can I ask what you're looking for from this post? In your first post you say you want opinions on getting married but then you disagree when people tell you to wait. We can only give you opinions based off what you've told us, you're the only one who really knows your relationship.
If you were looking for support that's something different than asking for peoples opinions. Based on what little info you've shared and a bunch of strangers experience over the internet, people are of the opinion that (if they were in your shoes) you are not ready to get married and should wait. It doesn't sound like those opinions are going to make your decision, nor should they, since again we don't really know your relationship.
If I were you, what I would take from this is that most people from the outside are going to look at your relationship and think you're rushing things. Based on the experience of many women of varying ages (including your own mother you knows you well and thinks you should wait), you can examine your relationship and decide if you want to follow their advice and wait a bit or say screw it and do your own thing anyway.
No one can tell you if you're making the right choice or not, we can only advise you that from where we stand it looks like you should take more time before you get engaged/married.
Thank you for calling me 'significantly' older than you when I'm only a year older than your boyfriend. Is he significantly older than you just like this old hag is? :)
@ChiBride09: See I would HAVE to live with him with my son first. And if he has kids, then I would want to live with them as well. Blended families are super tricky. Even though two people are in love doesn't mean that the families will automatically gel. The situation you are living in will be different when you live together and depend on one another for food, shelter, money, clothing, etc for yourself and your children.
Just looking to be entertained really... not much else. Like I said it gives me something to do while my son is napping. I don't get out very much because I'm a young mom so most of my friends are in a different stage of their life so it's nice to at least be able to talk to someone even if it's against me... People interest me... People's opinions interest me... I like hearing what people have to say even if I don't agree with them.
You're right only I know my situation and I know whats' best for my son and I... I just pretty much wanted to throw this out there and see what people thought. Besides people enjoy talking about this kind of stuff... If they didn't there wouldn't be so many responses. So I guess for my own amusement and everyone elses I posted this... I really do appreciate everyone's opinions... And I enjoy being able to share mine. That's really it...
You may realize a year and a half or so into it that there are little annoying things that you may not be able to get past. But you'll be married and won't be able to easily get out of the situation.
My sister was in a relationship where they spent every waking moment together and around a year and a half they found little quirks that they couldn't stand and began to fight and then broke up. But they are forgetful people and got back together and broke up for the same reasons.
My friend also did the same thing with her bf, spent every waking minute together but after 3 years managed to work on little quirks and got married.
So just because at 9 months you feel that he's the one and you spend all your time together, don't assume that means your meant to be married. Marriage shouldn't be rushed into especially with a kid. I'm sure you love your child and would do anything for him. Think about him before you rush to get married. If something falls apart in your relationship, how will it affect your son? Things to think about. Kids come first, always. :)
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