Post # 1
So at first I was mega excited about being married and even more excited when I realized we had the money to get married this May..but now… I started feeling phsically ill and anxious all the time. Everything felt just wrong and different. Being a wife scared me! I tried reading The Concious Bride as recommended by a fellow bee but in the end it got worse! I began to lash out at my FI and even though we are in pre-marriage counseling I ended the engagement saying I felt too young to be a bride.
I’m currently almost 22 years old and I will graduate in about a year. I’ve been with my FI for 2 years and even though I know I want to marry him I’m just not feeling it anymore. It’s like the experience is nothing I imagined…I don’t feel like a bride and I dont feel ready.
Fast forward three weeks: I’m officially feeling better and after finding an excellent venue and officiant that will cover most of everything (eliminating my stress) my FI is starting to push for getting married this may again…and now I’m torn. Even though I feel BETTER I’m not sure if those bad feeling will return. After all I havent spontaniously aged so I’ll still feel ‘too young’!
I’m currently trying to talk myself down, as I’m sure much of my anxiety stems from our situation not matching up to the “standard” for weddings. I’ve talked to everyone including our counselor, my brother and my FI. I’m just so confused.
Post # 3
Just to warn you, this post may open up a huge debate about the “right age” to get married, and many people will tell you you’re too young.
I’m 22 now, I’ll be 23 when I get married. FH is 25 and he’ll turn 26 soon after the wedding. I don’t feel too young. I’m so excited to get married, and I know that FH is “the one.”
With that being said, if you are feeling that you aren’t ready, then you probably aren’t. Is there anything in particular that sets off these moods? Do a lot of people give you crap for being a young bride? Or are these feelings really coming from your heart.
If you’re just reacting to other peoples rude comments (all of us young brides get them) then maybe continue to talk to your counselor and see how you feel in a few weeks. If these are feelings coming from your heart, then I don’t think you should be planning a wedding yet.
What’s the rush anyways? Weddings aren’t going anywhere, and I’m sure your FH/BF would be understanding if you wanted to wait until you felt more comfortable with the prospect of getting married.
Post # 4
to a point I dont think age has anything to do with being too young. To me its all about how responsible & mature someone is.
I agree with the PP if you think your too young whats the rush! Maybe wait until after you graduate to start planning so you really have some time to do everything.
Post # 5
I’m not a young bride now (I was prior to getting engaged the first time..at 25). I avoided getting engaged until 25 by using all the excuses (got my career together, graduate from grad school, bought a house)…until I couldn’t find any after a while. If you feel you are too young, then spend some times to get to the bottom of it. In my opinion, 22 is still young..but a lot of people got married younger then that. It is you who have to be comfortable about your decision to get marry.
Post # 6
@MandaMack: Yeah I may change the title then since its less about my age and more about how I feel about my age 🙂 Thanks for pointing it out!
People havent been rude at all about the age and are actually very supportive – especially since FI’s parents got married at 19! It’s just that I feel like I’m doing it all wrong, you know? It just doesnt feel right. I agree with what you said about if you dont feel ready then you arent ready which is why its been canceled, but I keep trying to figure our WHY I dont feel ready. Since, technically, there is nothing stopping me
Post # 7
Relax and take some major deep breaths. I am the same age as you and I’ve been with my FI just a little longer. I know how you feel. I get that anxiety sometimes too. Mine is more like “should I even be living this life??” I keep thinking about all the things I could be or could do and then I STOP. TAKE A BREATH. And realize that most of it are nerves.
Marriage is a HUGE committment so naturally there will be these kinds of feelings. What you need to do is not put so much pressure on yourself. You need to do what is going to make you happy. What it might end up being is taking another year or two of engagement so that you have the time to take a breather. Maybe this is all happening too fast for you, or maybe it’s just that fleeing fright many brides get before saying “I Do.” You have to remember that you are basically choosing your life when you are choosing marriage. Having that kind of control over your destiny is frighting! Not to mention it all seems so perminent.
What helps me is to just put it all into perspective. Yes I could be jet setting away to third world countries helping the needy, reporting on breaking news or living some sort of crazy dream like that (which most young people have), but is that really going to make me happy? I can see how it might, but when it comes down to it I would much rather choose a loving husband and a family (and if I can fullfill some of my other dreams after that..) I’m happy!
Take some time to do some soul searching. When I had this self-conflict myself I gave some serious “me” time to think about it all. I promised myself that I would make an informed decision that felt right and I would stay true to it.
Good luck I hope it all works out 🙂
Post # 7
@mishelleez: I completely agree! I dont think it’s about age. FI and I have been together almost 5 years, have a house, and a child.. I’d really like someone to tell me I’m too young haha (I’m 22)
IMO, If you keep feeling anxious and dont feel ready… then listen to your gut and either 1. Don’t get married or 2. Push the wedding back. If you know you want to marry him then I’d say push the wedding back. I’d talk to FI and tell him politely to not push me into this. Marriage is a big deal and it needs to be agreed apon by both of you. What does your councelor say?
Post # 8
I agree with the previous posters. Age is just a number. FI and I are fairly young – 24, but no one has said a word about it, and we don’t feel too young.
We were engaged at 22.
That being said – we’ve now been together 5 years, lived together for 3, adopted a dog, have joint bank accounts, utilities, etc. We’ve survived career changes, FI working out of state 6 months a year for the past 2, etc. We’ve matured a lot since we were 18.
I think it’s all a state of mind. If you genuinely feel you’re too young to get married, then don’t, You probably are.
Post # 9
@JessicaL: Our couselor basically agreed and thought that pushing the wedding date back was best. Fi has been really good about the dicision and even though he wants to get married in May he understands and isn’t pushing it alot even though I can difinately tell he is disappointed
Post # 10
I have several pairs of friends that were highschool sweethearts and got married right after college (age 21-22)……and they’re still together going strong 13 years later! I think it’s normal to question yourself if you’re ready to be a wife, no matter what age, but if these doubts become too problematic then why not just lengthen your engagement a little? Don’t rush yourself into meeting this May deadline of a wedding, and that way you can save more money to put towards a grander wedding if that’s what you want. I get really anxious and jealous sometimes after viewing many of the expensive weddings on here, but I’m learning that I don’t have to meet this popular “standard” of a wedding. You create your own vision of how you want to celebrate the love between you and your FH. And since your relationship is unique and one-of-a-kind amazing, don’t feel pressured into fitting it into a cookie-cutter type event. Good luck, and I hope you continue feeling better with whatever decisions you choose.
Post # 11
If you don’t feel ready, it’s probably not a good idea to rush into it this May. Talk to your FI and ask if you can have a longer engagement and target May 2012, but holding off all talk of a wedding for 1 year.
Post # 12
We got engaged when I was 21, and although I was confident that he was the one, I too just felt weird getting married that young and I just didn’t feel ready. We ended up pushing it back until we were at a point where it made more sense (getting ready to move away, buy a house) and I was 24. I felt much better about it. That’s why I am totally supportive of long engagements, because once you get over the “honeymoon” stage of the engagement, reality hits and you really get to examine your relationship and make sure it’s what you want!
Post # 13
Agree with PPs that trying to force yourself to feel ready is not a good idea. Out of curiosity, are there specific things you want to do that you haven’t yet?
Post # 14
you’ve gotten some great advice. 🙂
I’m 31. I got married at 29 (technically) and for ME was no where NEAR ready to even THINK about it at 22. i STILL have a lot of growing up to do at 31!! lol. now, with that being said – I don’t believe for a second that age has ANYTHING to do with being “ready” or not. One of my best friends from childhood got married when she was 19 and they’ve been married 10 years this november!! 😀 that was the life she always knew she wanted though – she didn’t want to go to college – she wanted to be a wife and a mother. and she has two beautiful children now too.
like everyone has said – if you don’t feel 100% postive that you’re ready to be married then you need to stop and think about WHY. Being married is a HUGE step – not just emotionally but financially as well. you really need to talk to your FI and get ALL your feelings out – even if you’re afraid he’ll be mad – the point of having a partner in your life is to share EVERYTHING with them – and not being afraid to tell them things that are bothering you. you have to trust him 100% to listen and that he’ll try to understand you – and if you two truly are meant to be married (one day) then he’ll be ok with waiting.
I had tons of “relationships” during my 20’s that – looking back – i always hoped they would get to the marriage spot – but honestly NONE of them were worth a damn and none of them truly loved me anyways – i wanted to be absolutely 100% sure what I was doing was right when it happened. We “technically” had a two year engagement because I wanted him to take the time to truly realize if he wanted to be with ME for the rest of his life and deal with all the little things I do! lol
but – again, this has nothing to do with your age, I’d say this to someone who was 40 and feeling that they’re not ready…just take the time – WITH your FI to really work out your emotions and just remember – you don’t have to have that piece of paper saying you’re married in order to be in a relationship! take your time. you’re not going anywhere and I assume your FI isn’t either. enjoy yourselves.
AND – let me just add – if you do come to the realization that you ARE ready then I wish you all the luck and love in the world. 🙂
Post # 15
Have a little faith in yourself and give yourself some time! I honestly kind of dreaded marriage, even to my loving, awesome, amazing FI until a few months after college. After I got a job and was settled into being an ‘adult’ something just clicked for me, and now I can’t wait.
There’s probably something holding you back, but it doesn’t mean your FI’s not the right guy or that you’re too young. You just need a little time to figure it out!