(Closed) Top 10 Reasons Marriages Fail

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
872 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I love this list and think it is very acurate. It is why my FI and I have gone to couselling, not to say anything was detrementally wrong but for maintenance and to make sure we’re on the right path as individuals and as a couple. I am pro-counselling all the way.

I applaud you for posting this, you are posting the realities of what marriages face. It is not just about love and feelings, it is about hard word and making love a verb. It is great that everyone loves their FI on here but we also have to be realistic about our weddings and our marriages, it is called the “Honeymoon phase” for a reason.

Thank you for this post. I am going to subscribe and keep it for a very long time. 

Post # 4
Member
1856 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

I think the list is fairly accurate. These are all areas we spent a lot of time discussing and working through when necessary before we decided to get married, because we’ve both seen a lot of failed and unhappy partnerships resulting from some of these issues.

Post # 5
Member
1765 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Thanks for posting this! I think that list is pretty accurate. I think a big one is having realistic expectations. There’s no such thing as a perfect marriage. Some people seem to think their relationship problems will magically vanish once they get married.

Post # 7
Member
1975 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@axeyourmakeupkit:  +1 especially on the waiting and emotional threads i have seen lately!!

Post # 9
Member
1856 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@axeyourmakeupkit:  “And I really think of these things on some of the waiting, intimacy and emotional boards threads.”

Yeah, I had written out a comment to that effect following the sentences I actually posted, but then figured someone would think I was being judgey about people’s problems. The thing with a lot of the issues in the article is that they’re dealbreakers, and if you’re fighting about it, you’ll be fighting about it forever unless there’s a clear effort to fix it.

Post # 10
Member
6745 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

Wow, I feel so famous.  I got reposted by someone else on a whole new thread.  hahaha

Clearly, I thought the article was good since I posted it to begin with.

Now, if anyone can help me find the study I once read in my Psych class – some people conducting the study went around asking couples who were married for a long time (I think it was like over 30 years or over 50 years) and asked them what they thought the reasons were that they stayed married for so long / what is the secret to a successful marriage.  Shockingly to the people conducting the study, love wasn’t in the top 10 reasons.  I really wish I had kept that article somewhere, but of course, I didn’t.  I just remember reading it and can’t find it.  It was SUCH an interesting study!

ETA:

Another interesting study that discusses how finances are a major reason in divorce:

http://www.jerseycityfamilylawattorney.com/2012/08/study-finds-advice-on-marriage-by-examining-the-divorced.shtml

But, what I found most interesting was the last paragraph:

It was also found that men need affective affirmation in order to remain happy in a relationship. This often comes in the form of a compliment or encouragement. Those husbands that were in relationships where affective affirmation was present were two times less likely to get divorced.

Post # 11
Member
790 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I was married for 25 yrs and had many of the problems on that list. I can’t say we started out madly in love but it took a long time before I realized that I’d married an emotionally damaged man who was nearly incapable of real love (yes, they are out there). I worry so much for many of the young women who post in “Waiting” when they talk about problems that they’re having and yet they still want to marry the man.

When I met my DH I was extricating myself from that awful, emotionally abusive marriage. I told him I had nothing to give (guess I was wrong) and was too broken to be in a relationship. My guy was never married and he actually took himself to therapy to see if there was something he needed to work on in himself so he could be in a healthy long term relationship. I was so impressed. He gave me space but lots of frienship, love & support. They say you tend to repeat mistakes, but I’ve married a man who is the polar opposite of my ex, and part of the reason I was able to enter a new marriage was I began to value myself.

Post # 12
Member
2565 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Good list – I think right now SO and I are recognizing what we need to work on BEFORE we get married down the road so I’m happy for that.

Post # 13
Member
415 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Have you guys read The Seven Principles for a Healthy Marriage?  It’s based on a ton of research, and the main idea is that it’s not these issues that cause divorce, it’s that when a maariage isn’t net-positive, these issues can become insurmountable.  So, for example, it’s not an affair that causes marriage, but a bad marriage that causes affairs (generally, obviously there are exceptions).

“He also reveals surprising facts about couples who stay together. They do engage in screaming matches. And they certainly don’t resolve every problem.”

If you think about it, most marriages have issues at some point around some of these 10 points.  The idea is to build a bank of positive, bonding experiences together so that when you argue about them you WANT to resolve the issue.  At least that’s how I read it.

Post # 14
Member
700 posts
Busy bee

@axeyourmakeupkit:  

#9 is a HUGE one, sooo many people expect so much after their married & then are dissapointed & …bang, divorce, another cash cow for the lawyers. What happened to for better & for worse?

Post # 15
Member
11352 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

I would say that is a fairly accurate list. 

Because I was an older, first-time bride and had blissfully lived alone for more than 20 years before meeting and marrying my DH; and because my DH was married previously, was divorced, and has children; and because I had to spend almost the entire first year of our marriage living and working in two different states (until I could sell my house and quit my job and relocate) and only was able to spend long weekends with my new family; and because DH works every weekend and barely ever had any time or energy left for me whenever I was there; plus a host of other factors, I will say that we have already experienced many of those ten factors in the three years we’ve been married. 

Even if you don’t have nearly as many challenges as my DH and I did/do, marriage definitely is not all sunshine and roses. Merging our formerly two, independent lives together spiritually, emotionally, geographically, financially, materially, and in every other way really has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. I also have several friends who married later in life, and almost all of them faced a lot of challenges as they adjusted to their new realities. Sadly, one of them is now divorced.

I am thankful that neither my DH nor I believes that divorce is an option in our marriage. We know that feelings will wax and wane in a relationships; however, we both believe that love is a decision and a commitment. As strong Christians, we recognize that the Bible permits divorce and remarriage under two specific circumstances (adultery/sexual immorality and cases of abandonment by the other spouse.) However, since neither of those things applies to our marriage, we both are committed to each other and to making our marriage work, even during the hard times.

I also wanted to say that I am a firm believer in couples counseling to help couples work through difficulties such as the ones my DH and I have faced. We both have found it extremely helpful as we’ve worked together to build and strengthen our marriage in the midst of some very significant challenges.

Post # 16
Member
866 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

— Agree with #s 1-9 on the list, so skipping all the head-nodding and going to… — 

I have a different perspective on #10. I agree with it up to this: A lot of time spent alone without a corresponding period of quality time spent together puts a lot of stress on a marriage.

That phrasing makes it soud as though a couple that spend more time apart than together because of work/jobs doesn’t have a strong marriage. Well, I spend 8 out of every 14 days without my husband, and it certainly sucks — I don’t know if I’ll ever get to a point where I’m just “used to it” — but it’s not a marriage-ender. We’ve just learned how to make up for the time apart during our time together, even when it means making decisions between family, friends, and our marriage. Sure, it’s stressful. Sure, we don’t love the situation. But my husband loves his job, and I love him, so we’re committed to making it work. 

Just wanted to put my circumstance out there, as another viewpoint. I know of many other situations that fall into the same category, including a newlywed who spend her first 1 1/2 years of marriage on a Fullbright in Brazil, and a husband and wife who are both in Afghanistan, at the same time, and can’t see each other. All different, but none of us are spending corresponding periods of QT together.

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