Post # 1
I was wondering if anyone has any advice about whether ot not engaged couples should have a formal discussion about some topics or issues. If so, which are the most important? and… what to do in a disagreement about a specific issue? does one need to have everything decided and solved before jumping into marriage?
Post # 4
Absolutely. I think children. If he doesn’t want children and you want like 5, that is a big problem. How to deal with things, like disiplining your children, things that are crucial…religion. Beliefs. there are so many things.
Post # 5
– How to handle finances
– Where to live
– What kind of relationship will you have with the in-laws, how often you see them, etc.
– What place will each carreer take, and how you’ll handle the days off
– Children: do you want some? How Many? How will you take care of them, will the two parents work, etc. What values/religion, etc.
– Sex: frequency, desire, expectations, take on pornography
– well being in general: nutrition, fitness
– Faithfulness: what are your definitions of boundaries
– long term goals for the couple: where do we see ourselves in 30-40 years: are the visions compatible
– how will you handle fights
Definitely handle disagreements by trying to understand where the other is coming from and find some sort of compromise that will be good for both.
I know it sounds like there are many things to consider and maybe I’m a freak… But I think that, since marriage is a life-long commitment, you better go in it being completely aware of what you’re going into. I would not get into it without having figured out these basics that, if they’re not all deal breakers, they will put stress on the marriage if you realise after 3 years that you aren’t on the same page and your ideas are too different to be find a way to make it work.
Post # 6
A very important issue for me is religion. I have very strong, personal beliefs and I needed to know my FI’s views. It wasn’t important for me to convince him that my religion was more important than his, but it WAS important to know if we had any differences of opinion. It can be a huge problem when raising children if one parent wants to raise them under a specific faith while the other parent strongly disagrees.
Another issue that we addressed was talking about our future. Do either of you have specific or general timelines for children, owning your own home, etc?
I’m really excited to see what others in this thread have to say, I’ve been curious as to what other couples find important to discuss before they get married.
Post # 7
I have to agree with the first couple posts: Children. That’s a huge deal for me, it’s a deal-breaker if he didn’t want them.
Also: Religion, finances, families in general and holidays were a big issue for us (do you switch who you spend xmas with? split the day? host yourselves for both sides?), where you’ll live, how you’ll spend your time (will one person want more social time away from home and one want to spend more at home?). We had a 120 question survey we each took with our priest, honestly I would highly suggest premarital counseling, whether you try it religiously or not.
Post # 8
Depending on how long you’ve been together I wouldn’t stress out too much about ticking discussion topics off a list. Sure, it’s important to know whether someone wants children or refuses to compromise on where to spend Christmas or how to save for retirement, but there’s a few reasons I say don’t freak out or book weekly dates to “discuss”. First, so many of these topics will come up naturally when you are a couple and therefore should get covered off that way. Secondly, if you have gotten to a point where you have decided to marry a person, you probably know them pretty well anyway. Thirdly, people change their minds. Right now you might say you definitely want 2 children but fast forward a few years, without knowing what life will throw at you, and you could completely change your mind. That’s totally ok but it does mean I don’t think you can say “ok great we’ve discussed children and we know exactly what lies ahead for us in that area.” Because you don’t. DH and I still haven’t agreed on some things for our future, but for me I’m ok with that – first, bc you never know what life will throw at you and second, bc we love each other and share the same core values so I know that we will always be able to figure something out. We did pre-marital counselling and it was interesting and I’d recommend it, but that’s probably as far as I’d go! Just my two cents 🙂
Post # 9
Money is the biggest one to me then family/children. Like how to handle your children and also extended family.
Post # 10
I think you need to discuss all the things egb said.
For example, before we chatted Mr Roux and I both knew we wanted kids, but after talking we discovered that I want 4, and he only wants 2, so we have compromised by saying we will have 3, and if they are 3 boys or 3 girls then we will have 1 more. We also discovered that we both wanted to have kids at around 28, but he is 3 years older than me so we decided to try for me 26 him 29.
Also it is important to discuss finances such as who will work when there are children, will one parent stay home with the kids, or will both work? what will you do for childcare?
And I think its important to be flexible. Obviously you aren’t going to say ‘Honey I’ll ovulating and if we want to have a September 2016 baby we need to have sex RIGHT NOW.’ if you have both just lost your jobs or someone is sick or injured, but its good to have a general idea of when things are going to happen.
Post # 11
I just want to second the advice about relationships with the in-laws. It can feel like something so silly and obvious but it can turn really nasty if you don’t talk about it and something happens.
Post # 12
Money! Its thte #1 reason couples divorce! Suze Orman did a whole couples and money thing on her show around valentine’s day, and put together a list of things couples should talk about, especially before marriage.
Here’s the link http://www.cnbc.com/id/35262998?slide=1
Post # 13
I agree that children is a huge one! Followed my religion and money. I told my FI several times I did not want children and apparently he just thought I wasnt serious and it caused some issues about a week ago bc he really wants them. Now I feel guilty of robbing him of being a father and he feels awkward bc he loves me too much to leave and is just hoping I come around. I sincerely think there are several things of importance that need to be made clear,but the above posters took all the ones I was going to say lol.
Post # 14
How could you be getting married and not have discussed kids and money and religion? Don’t people who are in commited realtionships talk to each other about everything?
Post # 15
must talk about: children. and if you choose to have kids, religion.
also must talk about: finances, who pays what and who decides when to spend what.
good topics to discuss:
physical intimacy and how to approach topics dealing with that
family issues (estabilish its you as a family unit now not FH and family and self and family)
goals in life (are you in an established career? do you need to go back to school? will you need to move later for a job? what would happen if something happened to one or the other and someoen couldnt work)
fighting styles: will you hash things out before bed? use lists or organized arguing? what is just unacceptable to you in arguing?
pet peeves – make sure you can live with them.
household chores – who does what.
most of this you should know before hand if you choose to live with your FH prior to marriage. this might be new to folks who lived apart.
Post # 16
Finances! Since most fights are caused my money, you really should talk about them before you get married. You should know how much debt and savings your SO has and also know basic money styles. You should also begin to think about future plans and what you would like to save for.