Post # 1
Okay Ladies I would like to start off by saying I’ve been away for awhile (trying to stay sane). And I also got a new phone that doesn’t allow me to post 🙁
But I have an issue. My SO and I have been together 3 1/2 years and living together 2yrs. At the beginning of the year I set myself a “deadline’ of January 1, 2011 that I wanted us to be at least engaged. Relationship is good. We both agree we want to spend our lives together and start a family.
I initially never told him my “deadline” but he ultimately figured it out through our talks and my breakdowns through various stages of the waiting cycle this year. About 2 months ago he told me that he knew that I would possibly walk away at the beginning of the year if there is no engagement. He feels like it isn’t fair. He doesn’t want to feel pressured because he wants to take his time, make sure everything is right, and he is deathly affraid of divorce. Which I understand. And I never tried to pressure him. That’s why I really didn’t want him to know my “deadline”. I had just given him an approximation about a year in advance and left it at that.
Now as time is approaching I’M getting scared. I love him so much but I just cannot be subject to this stress and multitude of mixed emotions again next year. I don’t want to say get out (I can’t leave only my name is on the lease). But I think I will have to slowly back myself out of the relationship. There is so much going on and coming up that I won’t be able to fake it. He’s in his friends wedding the first weekend of the year. I don’t see myself being able to attend that without having a breakdown (and I’ve been doing good for months). He also wants to visit his family for a few days next month out of state because he won’t see them for Christmas. I don’t want to do that either. I love his family but I don’t want to play the ‘girlfriend’ role anymore. I can’t. I don’t want to sound mean or selfish because I’m not trying to be but I’ve been enduring this for a whole year. Going to weddings, being around our families, and just being miserable about my relationship status inside.
He tries to reassure me that he does want to marry me and he will propose but just give him time. But he’s never stated how much time and he won’t. He won’t explain what the hold up is or anything. He feels that would ruin the ‘surprise’. And I think he’s holding back so that he won’t give it away (if there is an “it”). I’ve asked if it is financial but he won’t tell me. He’s had a lot of obligations this year but he’s also had time to save. We initially discussed getting married next Summer (2011) and that’s what I really want (there are so many reasons why that’s the best time otherwise we would have to wait almost another year which would cut into baby making, etc.) He keeps saying we will but that’s less than 6 months away and we want a small intimate Destination Wedding which requires planning. And we’re still NOT engaged. So I’m confused.
I need to start off my New Year with happiness and sanity. Part me wants to give him the benefit of the doubt. The other part is over it and totally fed up with waiting. Thank you for letting me vent. Please help!
Post # 3
Tell him. Seriously. Tell him everything you have told us but in the same way you have told us… in fact maybe you should write him a long letter or email that way you can really think abut how it will be worded and emphasise how much you don’t want to pressure him in any way and you understand HIS reasons as well. You have to come to some sort of compromise for both your sakes. I have been in your shoes and I wrote him a very long email and we had one of the best talks ever and sorted so many things out -I’m still waiting but I will be engaged hopefully at the beginning if 2011 and all we are waiting for is for him to save up for the ring at this stage.
Another thing that might be worth doing is ask yourself why exactly YOU want to get married…. try to see it from his point of view -is it just because you feel “it’s time” and you don’t like being labelled his girlfriend anymore? Please don’t take this in the wrong way… I’m not saying that you don’t have a reason to be married and in fact I don’t believe that you need a reason to be married but someone asked me this about 7 or 8 months ago and I couldn’t answer properly… it wasn’t because I didn’t have a better reason it was because I had never thought about where my need to get married came from really. It really helped me see it from his point of view and then explain it to him in terms he could understand. Guys don’t always understand why women are so keen to get married by a particular point, especially if children are not in the picture just yet.
I don’t think you should walk away in the new year – explain all of this to him and then start “Mr Bee’s plan to getting engaged”… be yourself and let him be the one who beings up marriage. But only after you have made it very clear where you stand on the matter.
Post # 4
Wait until after New Year, it sounds like he has something planned for you really soon and doesn’t want to spoil it. If no proposal happens, sit him down and tell him that you both agreed to a summer 2011 wedding and you don’t want to do any planning without being engaged first and how fast it’s coming. Let him have a chance to repsond to everything and see what he has to say. He might not realize how much time is needed to plan a Destination Wedding or he might have thought of a late summer wedding, like maybe August which would be 8 months away.. Don’t leave him just because the engagement hasn’t happened yet.
I totally get the “not wantint be jsut a girlfriend anymore” thing as well. Everyone pretty much knows my bf and I want to get married but I hate the girlfriend title as well when I feel our relationship is much deeper than that. In the end, titles aren’t that big a deal since it doesn’t change what you mean to your SO, but the word girllfriend can be irritating sometimes. Hang in there, I think he has something up his sleeve for you.
Post # 5
I’m not saying this lightly, but at this point I would stick to your deadline. I know it will be hard, it’s going to be hard either way. Just consider how this is tearing you up!
Would living separately at least give you some peace? There are so many options, something has to be better than being so miserable. I know you said the relationship is good, but this seems to be eating you up.
I would recommend getting by yourself and finding some peace. I’m not saying that you HAVE to end the relationship, since there is still a chance someday that he will propose, there is a chance he wont. You have no way of knowing, so again, find some peace.
Side note, you said that you had been doing good for months. I’ve noticed that guys tend to not notice the “good” times as quickly as women sometimes do. Before being “good” for a few months, you were having breakdowns etc etc, this may not have… left his perspective on the situation if that makes sense.
You say “I’ve been good for SO LONG!”
He says “You’re constantly getting upset about it and hounding me.”
Does that make sense? I guess I’m trying to say that quite often women are more adaptable than men. Even when they are needing to adapt to a “better” situation, the previous situation is still affecting them because of a slower adaptation.
Post # 6
Personally, after 3 1/2 years, I would expect a commitment. Especially if you’ve been living together for 2 years, I mean…it’s not like you’re long-distance and don’t know each other’s quirks and such.
I think you should wait until the new year. With Christmas, and New Years, alot of guys will be proposing, so before you up and leave, perhaps wait it out.
Then in the new year, sit down with him, tell him how you feel (what you just told us). Maybe suggest he move out while you continue to date. Perhaps that way he won’t feel so “comfortable” (he basically has a wife now, why would he propose and go through all the wedding planning?) and realize what he has.
I found we get ourselves so worked up about “extremes” of things (either proposed to or we’ll break up), and sometimes we have to work out a compromise, at least while we decide what to do. Perhaps that isn’t right in your situation, think about it and see what gives you peace. 5 years down the line are you happily married with him? Or to someone else?
Post # 7
((((hugs))) I know how you feel. I can only say you should tell him exactly what you told us here. I know he may say you are “getting upset” again, but he needs to know exactly how you feel. I agree with writing him a letter and trying to compromise. It may just be right around the corner.
Not to make this about me, but I can relate. We have a date picked out and no proposal yet, but the date is almost 9 months away. (DW wedding too.) I have a deadline too, but it’s one he gave me, so it makes it even worse.
Post # 8
@soon2bhis &@Tunacupcakes: I agree with you both.
I don’t think that you necessarily have to break up, but maybe living separately is something that you have to do. I, too, would definitely be expecting commitment after over three years. It’s not like you’re doing this out of “nowhere”.. he knows that you want to get married… and he’s had two years of living together to figure out if you’re “The One”. It’s time for some decision making, buddy.
Also, like the previous posters said, definitely have a talk with him… or write a letter/e-mail. He needs to know exactly what you’re feeling, so if you do move out (or tell him to), he’ll know why.
Good luck, doll… hopefully your proposal is in the works & it won’t even come to all of this!!
Post # 9
I TOTALLY feel you! BUT! If the only thing that is wrong with your relationship is that youre not engaged then why break up? Are you happy? Does he treat you great? You have obviously talked about the future and marriage and it seems like he DOES want to marry you! I have one just like this! 🙂 But we’ve been together almost 6 years (I know, right!? lol)
Tell him how you are feeling but then step back and give him time! It will definitely come and if you are happy otherwise let him do it on his own terms. You also have to remember that men don’t understand what goes into planning a wedding so maybe he is thinking that a summer 2011 wedding is totally possible if he proposes in the next few months lol
Thinking about you and hoping an engagement is coming soon!!
Post # 10
I would at the very least have him move out so he knows that you are serious. I can’t blame you, and I think you are doing the right thing, especially if it’s so emotionally draining on you. Right now you aren’t engaged or even a hint of moving that way, think of yourself first!
Post # 11
I completely get how you feel and I believe you are completely in the right- if he doesn’t make the deadline, talk to him about it again with your decisions (such as moving out) on the table. 2 years is more than enough time… and if he doesn’t see that, then changing up his comfortability will.
Post # 12
THANK YOU ALL!!!! This advice is great ladies and you made me feel a whole lot better. The letter/email idea is a great one! I just may do that (after the new year).
I definitely have my reasons for wanting to get married. I could probably right a book on it or talk someone’s ear off if they ask. Starting with the basic reasons children, house, joined lifestyle, and just purely that’s my strong belief. He knew this coming in. Then off course my many reasons for wanting to marry HIM not just anybody.
Living seperately is a great idea too. I just didn’t want it to be where that was another reason he wouldn’t/couldn’t propose due to financial reasons. But right now he works at night and I work during the day so we don’t really see each other until weekends anyway.
My friend (who is a guy and wrote a relatioship book) told me to do ME in he New Year. Just do things I want to do and what makes me happy and feel comfortable. Like not going to the wedding he’s in, or not going to visit his family, etc. Let him down easy while being nice and pleasant and he (as a guy) would realize that I don’t have to be here and that by taking me for granted this could all fade away. Let him miss me so he’ll be reminded of what we have and how wonderful our time shared is. Then he will either not like my actions and not want to get married or this will kick his butt into quick gear to propose because he wouldn’t want to loose a great thing. Either way there’s no more questions, no more stress, the mystery is solved. I think that’s wonderful advice. So I wanted to share it with the other waiting bees.
Like many of you said I think he MAY have something up his sleeve too. No real signs but our last conversation basically ended with him telling me to stop stressing and worrying about it because he IS going to make me happy so in a sense for me to disregard previous conversations. So we will see….
Post # 13
well good luck- I hope to here GREAT news soon!
Post # 14
@PrettySedity: What an awesome guy friend to have. He really gave you some sound advice, well as did the PP.