Post # 1
Is anybody else being put in the middle… CONSTANTLY?
I’m feeling exhausted and the wedding is months away. My FI and I are from different cultures. I feel like his parents, my parents and him all have different ideas about what it should be like and I’m in the middle, constantly! Each of them is venting to me, pushing their view… I’m trying to please everybody, but it seems impossible! My FI brought up that my family would have significantly more guests than his, but my parents have already cut their list substantially. And have compromised on many other aspects (ie. the ceremony is from his culture, etc.) so it seems unfair for them to have to compromise again.
I’m just wondering if anybody else is going through this and how they are handling it… I feel like I’m in tears every day after hearing that somebody is unhappy with some decision or the other…
Post # 3
In the beginning, yes. I felt this way… but once the venue, menu and favors were decided it kind of fizzled a bit.. and our weddings are in the same month, so I totally feel ya. Take a break if you need to. you’ve got plenty of time!
Post # 4
A marriage counselor I once had gave me a really great exercise on compromise. He said the WORSE thing you can do is to keep your stuff in your head….. or to come to the party with an already pared down list. Because what happens is exactly what you are indicating…. you’ve already compromised a great deal…. but nobody can really see. See?
So you should go back to the drawing board.
This isn’t like keeping score…. so it’s important that you don’t come at it from that mentality.
The premise is that you each come with a list of what you want. Then you keep those lists visible while you make decisions. It’s a visual aid to keep it real and centered and equitable.
Get one of those BIG presentation boards like you used in grade school for Science Fair. It’s a tri-fold. One side is “his”. One side is “hers”. The middle is “The Wedding”. Each of you write down your “if I could have it anyway I wanted and it only had to do with ME” ideas, desires and expectations. I say to include expectations because what mom and dad WANT have to factor in…. even if it’s not what YOU want.
You can indicate priority for each one…. or simply just make a list from each of you. Then, as you make decisions you move them to the center board. You can do stickie notes for each, so you can visibly “see” what’s moving. Or you can just leave the original list and create a new list. Either way, it’s important that you keep the original lists in sight and keep the center list FLUID….. so that each person has the ability to change out what’s important to them, based on interaction from the other.
Mostly – what this does is keep YOU from feeling like YOU are the bad guy…. and instead this becomes YOUR wedding – or a series of decisons you are BOTH responsbile for. SO, when someone asks HIM why are you doing this…. he doesn’t say “Because of her”….. instead it’s “Because WE……..”
Also – in the case where one person IS compromising more, it becomes clear. I have also had times when I THOUGHT I was doing most of the compromising…. but when I put it on paper, I could actually SEE what he was giving up and it was more than I thought.
Post # 5
@mayflowerbride13: Thanks it’s good to know there may be an end in sight!
Post # 6
@3xaCharm: Thank you… this is a great exercise. I can see why it would work and to be honest, I think I’ve lost sight of what I want in a wedding… I couldn’t even tell you anymore I’m so focused on mediating everybody else. It would be great to reflect abotu what really is important to me…
Post # 7
@sj8082: It’s different for everyone, but I stepped back for a while n things fell into place. We had sit downs before that didn’t work.. but once our discontent was obvious.. people also backed off. Now I’m soo sooooo beyond excited about ALL of it that I can barely contain myself (Actually I posted about my ridiculous excitement lol)
Chin up, take a breather. It’ll sort out 🙂