Post # 1
This spring, I graduate I have an internship which may lead to a very promising job and cushy salary in the fall.
However, in the fall, my guy is going back to grad school and it won’t be in the same state that I will have this internship. I’d say that I have a 90% chance of getting the job after the internship, and the salary is about $15,000 more than I could get at another company doing the same thing.
That being said, it is important for me to live with Mr. Coffee Bean because we are getting married next summer, so it would be a bit weird to not live with my husband.
Then there’s the other side of me that wants to take the job, live with my family, and save for a house. I’ve wanted to buy a house for 4 years now, but Mr. Coffee Bean kept convincing me not to. I regret not buying when I could have afforded to do so, but he was very pushy about not buying.
I feel like staying home, saving, and being able to buy a property is very important to me as an individual, and on the other hand living with my guy is important for our relationship. And again- I feel like moving with him for grad school is me giving up my dreams for his dreams. Just like how he wasn’t supportive of me buying previously- he wanted us to be able to move around easily if he got a job somewhere else.
I tried talking to him about this but he offered no advice, he said I should just do what I want to do and he’d be ok as long as I’m happy. If I stay home and he goes to grad school, he will be about a 2-18 hour car ride away depending on the school.
Has anyone ever been in a similiar situation? Has anyone ever been separated for 2 years after living together first for a few years? I think I am leaning towards staying home so I can save. I can at least do this for 1 year, but I would be uncomfortable leaving my first post-grad job after only 1 year of employment, I don’t want to look unreliable on my resume.
Post # 3
I wouldn’t worry about this now. I would see if you get the job offer and see what schools he gets into. For now just work on your education and building your relationship. Once you have all the information it will be easier to make a decision.
Post # 4
@AlwaysSunny: Thanks. I do already that I will get the job. The only way I wouldn’t get it is if the company went through some major financial crisis. My father is the CEO of this company, although I wouldn’t work directly for him.
Although it would be an easier decision if I knew he would only be 2 hours away, so you have a good point.
Post # 5
I can relate in a way. My SO has just applied for a post-grad programme in another country. If he gets accepted, we’ll be doing the long distance thing for a year. I’m not thirilled about it but I’ve managed to make my peace with the idea because standing in the way of his dreams isn’t going to make either one of us happy. We’re in this for the long haul so if going away for a year will make him happy for the rest of his life, I’m willing to grit my teeth and bear it.
I think it’s important to do what feels right for you at the moment. Not living with your husband will be unpleasant, of course, but if you get that great job, buy a house and put down roots now he can just move in with you later when he’s done with school himself and it will be much easier for him too because you’ll already be established so if he doesn’t get a job right away it won’t be the end of the world.
Good luck with your decision – it’s hard, I know!
Post # 6
@MsMeow: Yes, I was thinking that in the long run, saving and buying a home would probably be best. I was in a similar situation as you actually- He got a temporary offer overseas for 6 months, our lease was over, but I decided to study abroad while he was over here, the timing was perfect and I don’t have to miss him. I don’t know what your situation is, but it might be nice if he lives overseas- you can go on some really awesome vacations when you visit him!
Post # 7
I would wait and see what school he gets into. A 2-5 hour drive really isn’t that far, though 18 hours? Yikes lol.
Personally I would choose to be with my guy. I know LDRs work – I was in one for a period of time and I am now married to him, but it is hard. I can imagine it would be even more difficult with him being in grad school (I was in undergrad at the time) and you working a new full time job.
I can understand wanting to save for a house, but going with him wouldn’t mean that you can’t buy a house. Maybe you couldn’t put as large of a down payment down, but its not like you really have to choose one or the other. You can have both.
Post # 8
@MissCoffeeBean: I know, that’s what he keeps telling me. If he gets into the programme (which is super competitive so he’s not getting his hopes up) he’ll be living in Stockholm for a year. YAY, Sweden! 😀
Maybe your FH’s school will be so close that you’ll be able to drive there often – that wouldn’t be so terrible, right? I hope things work out for the best for you two. I agree with you, saving money to buy a house sounds like a very sensible thing to do!
Post # 9
I think a lot depends on what school he attends. I would probably accept the job if he was only 2 hours away, but would consider moving if his school was farther away. It wouldn’t be that bad if you were able to drive and see him often. I would also begin to have discussions about where you both would want to live after he finishes school.
My DH and I ended up in an LDR for a short time while we were engaged. He was offered an amazing job opportunity in another city. I was in graduate school at the time. We were only two hours apart from each other and would see each other on the weekends. I finished up the school year and was able to transfer to another program in his city.
I know that you would love to buy a house right now, but I would not consider it until you would be somewhere more permanent. My husband bought a house 2 months before he received the job offer in a new city. We have been able to rent out his house to tenants (instead of selling it and losing part of our investment). It would have been much easier to move if we did not have to worry about the house.
Post # 10
@gingerspice: Thanks for your input.
One thing I probably should have included in my original post is that while my career will be in finance, my long term career goal is to get into real estate development. So initially, I want to buy a house, live in it for a few months, fix it up, and then either flip it or rent it out based on the market. Eventually I’ll be able to afford a permanent home, but I’m sure this cycle will continue for the first few flips.
I’m not dreaming of the white picket fence, two dogs blah blah blah… I’ve been ready for 4 years to start my real estate porfolio and he’s been pushing me NOT to do it. I could afford it the first 3 years we were together as I was working full time, but he was afraid I wouldn’t be able to sell or rent and I’d be stuck and not able to go with him if he moved. He has major commitment issues in all aspects of his life which I didn’t know at the time, so I wish I didn’t listen to him. He wasn’t speaking from a place of honest and true “I don’t think this is a good investment” it was because he didn’t like the permanence of me owning a home.
The more and more I read responses the more and more I am defending myself for wanting to not go with him- So I think that actually answers my dilemma. I need to do me for once.
Post # 11
I think that the only way long distance can work is if the amount of time apart has a definite end date from the beginning. Since it would only be a year, I think you can make it through. It may not be fun or ideal, but will taking this job in a city further away help your long term goals as a couple?
I travel every week for work right now. It is hard and not fun and I miss my FI a lot. However, we decided that having the extra money to put down on a house in a year was worth it to us. I want to take off time when we have kids, so we need low mortgage payments. I am only doing it for 16 months total (I am 8 months in now) and we are happy with the decision we made.
Make a pro-con list. They are great decision making tools. Sit down with your SO and talk about it. Some things on the list are more important than others, so weigh them accordingly.
Good luck on the decision. My gut reaction is that you should live at home and save the money, but only you can decide what is best for you.
Post # 12
We did it. We lived together for years (with our child) and then my husband started grad school in a different country (which would have been about an 18 hour drive away, but we never did the drive). I was still working on my own PhD and wasn’t ready to move, so we lived apart for 2 years, including about 6 or 7 months after we were married. It wasn’t a ton of fun, but it was what worked in the situation and it meant neither of us gave us on what we were pursuing. We had to give up time with one another (and for him, time with our child) but we knew our relationship could withstand it, and honestly I didn’t find it terribly difficult.
The way I see it, if you’re married for the rest of your lives, the year or two spent apart when back early in your relationship will be barely a blip on the radar. In the scheme of things, two years apart was nothing compared to what we’ve got left together, and neither of us is sitting here wondering ‘what if I didn’t give up my dream?’
Post # 13
@MissCoffeeBean: I haven’t had this experience, but friends of my FBIL and FSIL lived together, got married, then the husband stayed in Ontario while the wife went to Colorado (22 hour drive apart) to do her master’s degree. They live together now and have 2 kids. You could also move the wedding, unless you’ve paid deposits and all that.
Post # 14
@kittyface: Even though we don’t have kids together, I think your experience is probably similar to how we feel. We are both very independent people and very career driven, so our personal journey is just as important as our relationship. I understand that relationships take sacrifice, but I don’t feel like I should have to sacrifice or delay my career when it is literally the most important thing in my world.
Post # 15
@MissCoffeeBean: I honestly think you should take the job, and I say this knowing how hard it is not to live with your husband. My husband moved six hours away from me last October and we got married in July. We’ll live together again in December. So it is a shorter time period than what you’ll experience, but the reward is also greater for you. (His increase in pay wasn’t that significant) It is extremely difficult, but I have to finish classes this fall and then I’ll student teach near him in the spring. We previously lived together for 2 1/2 years and we had to make a decision about where he was going to work, so we did it together. It will help us out the most in the long run because he’s doing what he loves and he is making more money than he would have done out here. We see each other about everything three weeks and there is an entire state in between us. Plus, he’ll have some breaks to come see you, and I know that graduate school is a lot more demanding than undergrad, but you can make it work.
I should mention that my husband actually changed jobs this fall, which was NOT in the plan and he handled it very poorly. He told me he was taking the job for selfish reasons and it hurt me a lot. He changed our plans for our future (he moved to a different state, away from our families) and didn’t consider my feelings. That said, I’m now very okay with his job choice, and I’m not mad at him. I’m telling you this so you know what not to do when you talk to your fiance. Make it clear that it’s for the both of you and your future together as a financially stable couple. I realize that taking the job is about your desire to have a good income and stable job, but make it about the both of you.
Post # 16
Good for you! I’m always supportive of people chasing their dreams!
Definitely show us pictures when you do get a house!