Torn Between Two Paths… Not Sure Which Road To Take…

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
7630 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

I wouldn’t worry about this now. I would see if you get the job offer and see what schools he gets into. For now just work on your education and building your relationship. Once you have all the information it will be easier to make a decision. 

Post # 5
1988 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I can relate in a way. My SO has just applied for a post-grad programme in another country. If he gets accepted, we’ll be doing the long distance thing for a year. I’m not thirilled about it but I’ve managed to make my peace with the idea because standing in the way of his dreams isn’t going to make either one of us happy. We’re in this for the long haul so if going away for a year will make him happy for the rest of his life, I’m willing to grit my teeth and bear it. 

I think it’s important to do what feels right for you at the moment. Not living with your husband will be unpleasant, of course, but if you get that great job, buy a house and put down roots now he can just move in with you later when he’s done with school himself and it will be much easier for him too because you’ll already be established so if he doesn’t get a job right away it won’t be the end of the world. 

Good luck with your decision – it’s hard, I know!

Post # 7
4513 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I would wait and see what school he gets into. A 2-5 hour drive really isn’t that far, though 18 hours? Yikes lol.

Personally I would choose to be with my guy. I know LDRs work – I was in one for a period of time and I am now married to him, but it is hard. I can imagine it would be even more difficult with him being in grad school (I was in undergrad at the time) and you working a new full time job.

I can understand wanting to save for a house, but going with him wouldn’t mean that you can’t buy a house. Maybe you couldn’t put as large of a down payment down, but its not like you really have to choose one or the other. You can have both.

Post # 8
1988 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

@MissCoffeeBean:  I know, that’s what he keeps telling me. If he gets into the programme (which is super competitive so he’s not getting his hopes up) he’ll be living in Stockholm for a year. YAY, Sweden! 😀 

Maybe your FH’s school will be so close that you’ll be able to drive there often – that wouldn’t be so terrible, right? I hope things work out for the best for you two. I agree with you, saving money to buy a house sounds like a very sensible thing to do!  

Post # 9
242 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I think a lot depends on what school he attends.  I would probably accept the job if he was only 2 hours away, but would consider moving if his school was farther away.  It wouldn’t be that bad if you were able to drive and see him often.  I would also begin to have discussions about where you both would want to live after he finishes school.  


My DH and I ended up in an LDR for a short time while we were engaged.  He was offered an amazing job opportunity in another city.  I was in graduate school at the time.  We were only two hours apart from each other and would see each other on the weekends.  I finished up the school year and was able to transfer to another program in his city.  


I know that you would love to buy a house right now, but I would not consider it until you would be somewhere more permanent.  My husband bought a house 2 months before he received the job offer in a new city.  We have been able to rent out his house to tenants (instead of selling it and losing part of our investment).  It would have been much easier to move if we did not have to worry about the house.  


Post # 11
965 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

I think that the only way long distance can work is if the amount of time apart has a definite end date from the beginning. Since it would only be a year, I think you can make it through. It may not be fun or ideal, but will taking this job in a city further away help your long term goals as a couple?

I travel every week for work right now. It is hard and not fun and I miss my FI a lot. However, we decided that having the extra money to put down on a house in a year was worth it to us. I want to take off time when we have kids, so we need low mortgage payments. I am only doing it for 16 months total (I am 8 months in now) and we are happy with the decision we made.

Make a pro-con list. They are great decision making tools. Sit down with your SO and talk about it. Some things on the list are more important than others, so weigh them accordingly.

Good luck on the decision. My gut reaction is that you should live at home and save the money, but only you can decide what is best for you.

Post # 12
1867 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

We did it. We lived together for years (with our child) and then my husband started grad school in a different country (which would have been about an 18 hour drive away, but we never did the drive). I was still working on my own PhD and wasn’t ready to move, so we lived apart for 2 years, including about 6 or 7 months after we were married. It wasn’t a ton of fun, but it was what worked in the situation and it meant neither of us gave us on what we were pursuing. We had to give up time with one another (and for him, time with our child) but we knew our relationship could withstand it, and honestly I didn’t find it terribly difficult.

The way I see it, if you’re married for the rest of your lives, the year or two spent apart when back early in your relationship will be barely a blip on the radar. In the scheme of things, two years apart was nothing compared to what we’ve got left together, and neither of us is sitting here wondering ‘what if I didn’t give up my dream?’

Post # 13
845 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

@MissCoffeeBean:  I haven’t had this experience, but friends of my FBIL and FSIL lived together, got married, then the husband stayed in Ontario while the wife went to Colorado (22 hour drive apart) to do her master’s degree. They live together now and have 2 kids. You could also move the wedding, unless you’ve paid deposits and all that.

Post # 15
381 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@MissCoffeeBean:  I honestly think you should take the job, and I say this knowing how hard it is not to live with your husband. My husband moved six hours away from me last October and we got married in July. We’ll live together again in December. So it is a shorter time period than what you’ll experience, but the reward is also greater for you. (His increase in pay wasn’t that significant) It is extremely difficult, but I have to finish classes this fall and then I’ll student teach near him in the spring. We previously lived together for 2 1/2 years and we had to make a decision about where he was going to work, so we did it together. It will help us out the most in the long run because he’s doing what he loves and he is making more money than he would have done out here. We see each other about everything three weeks and there is an entire state in between us. Plus, he’ll have some breaks to come see you, and I know that graduate school is a lot more demanding than undergrad, but you can make it work.

I should mention that my husband actually changed jobs this fall, which was NOT in the plan and he handled it very poorly. He told me he was taking the job for selfish reasons and it hurt me a lot. He changed our plans for our future (he moved to a different state, away from our families) and didn’t consider my feelings. That said, I’m now very okay with his job choice, and I’m not mad at him. I’m telling you this so you know what not to do when you talk to your fiance. Make it clear that it’s for the both of you and your future together as a financially stable couple. I realize that taking the job is about your desire to have a good income and stable job,  but make it about the both of you.

Post # 16
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

Good for you! I’m always supportive of people chasing their dreams!

Definitely show us pictures when you do get a house!

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