- 6 years ago
- Wedding: August 2012
I have read strings here that have been very helpful but thought it might be better to layout my situation and get some advice.
I’m 43 and divorced. I met my fiancé right when my marriage ended and we have been together for 5 years. My separation and divorce were very traumatic. My ex was verbally abusive and it got worse when I left and I was a basket case much of the time. I have a son so I could not just cut him out of my life. My fiancé really helped me through this, from helping me set-up a new place to being there emotionally. Really at times I thought why is he doing this? I would have been out the door. He said it was because he loves me.
Our relationship was very hot and heavy and serious from the start. Rebound relationships often don’t work but we have appeared to be the exception. We have had some issues but on a daily basis we get along great, the sex is great, we have the same interests. But no one is perfect and I do have some issues/reservations.
He is a contractor and I make pretty much twice what he does. There have been times when I have very strongly felt he was mooching off me. I addressed this with him and he has been much better but there a couple of big scenarios that I can’t get out of my mind. The biggest is I got pregnant at one point and the heartbeat was really low so I decided to have a medical abortion. He did not offer to pay a dime of the $700 costs, even after I mentioned the bill and how high it was. I finally had to ask and we got into a big discussion and in the end I told him he needs to step up to the plate more. Again, he has been much better. Our stove went recently and he paid the $1,200 for a new one voluntarily.
He is starting to have back problems. This concerns me as if his back went out he would not be able to work. He doesn’t really have any other skills that would bring in $. I’m very against supporting a man and he knows this (issue in 1st marriage) but tells me that he is upset that I think he would be a slacker and that he would always find a way to work.
I feel like I’m his whole life. He really only has one friend he hangs out with. All of his other old friends are married and have kids and no effort is given on either end. He does give me lots of space and doesn’t gripe when I hang out with my friends without him.
He is smart but he doesn’t talk all that much. I feel like I’m always making conversation. What can really bother me is that even when I make an effort he barely responds. I know he has started to read the NY Times because he knows I keep up with news so he again, makes an effort.
Another thing to note is that he pressured me to move our relationship to each milestone. He wanted to move in way sooner than I wanted to and I resisted but then relented. He then kept talking marriage and I kept saying I really don’t feel the need to be married. He has made it clear all along that if at some point I did not marry him our relationship would be over. I don’t fault him for this as it is something he wants. Well last summer I actually started wanting to get married. I picked out a ring and he proposed in October.
Sorry this is long but a little history here… I have taken him away on several vacations and have bought tickets for shows and he has never once reciprocated. One time I took him to the FL Keys and I swear he did not pay for a single thing the whole time. At one point I was searching in the bottom of my bag for my wallet to pay for key lime pie and he just stood there instead of reaching in his pocket for the $9 it cost. The weekend he proposed was his 40th birthday weekend and we were on a trip that was my present to him.
In short, I do not feel we are financial equals. I know he truly loves me but I think a perk is my cash flow. My cash flow isn’t a lot but assures him a decent life. I have a 13 year old and I’m trying to save for college so my twice as much income really isn’t that once expenses are accounted for. I recently told him I don’t think I want to get married. All of this was talked about and I can see he is trying to do things to assure me I should not be concerned.
To top it off, there is a divorced dad I used to see on the train that I have a lot in common with. I recently ran into him again and the sparks are flying but being contained. I don’t know if this is a message from beyond or something because this guy has all of this financial stuff my fiancé lacks. He is a partner at a law firm, has a beautiful house with a pool, and has lots of friends and a social life on his own separate from his girlfriend’s. It seems that these material things are important to me. I’m not materialistic but I do know how money issues can damage a relationship firsthand and I want to be taken care of by a guy for a change. This guy’s security represents security for me and my son as well and a path to a better more secure life.
I would never be with someone just for money. I’m sure I’m coming across as materialistic but I’m not. I’m in fact thinking about a future mate that is more secure the way I think he I thinking about me. I’m not judging but I don’t want to be the provider. This I know. I want to be taken on vacation!
I already told him I now don’t want to get married but he isn’t hearing it and I’m confused. We have already cancelled the big wedding we were planning for July and are going to do something smaller. In large part because if he pays for ½ it will wipe out his bank account. This is a great guy in every other way. I’m a mess! He will be DEVASTATED if I do call it off. My house is his house too. He has done work on it and built a life. He would leave with nothing. I stay in the house with all the pets and my son and he has to go off alone feeling that I deceived him and that he wasted 5 years on me.