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My FI thinks he can invite the entire world as well, though my parents are paying for the reception. Our limit is 120, and I'm inviting 45 people... So that means he can invite about 75 people. However, he's wanting to invite more than 100. Ugh. I have no idea what to do either!
Um...wow. That needs to stop. I dont even know if you have to put it nicely...just...that it needs to stop. You cant "casually invite" people to the wedding like that, it makes things very awkward when real invite time comes...fortunately it will be awkward for him mostly, since he sees these people way more than you do, but you need to explain to your FI that thats not how you create your wedding guest lists! Good luck! Thats such a bummer, and Im sure he's just an easygoing guy...
We're getting married in my hometown where my parents still live and know EVERYONE! My wedding is still a year away, but I'm worried about my Dad doing this! Once he has a few drinks at the local bar, he gets diarrhea of the mouth! I've already warned him (along with my sister and mom) that he can not invite people through word of mouth! I already have anxiety over it, so I hope it doesn't happen like I'm imagining! I'm just going to keep reminding him that he can't do it and hope for the best! If you find anything that works, let me know! :)
Sorry I wasn't much help, but I feel your pain!
GL!
Heidi
Talk to the poor deluded men! Don't they realize that the bride has ultimate authority when it comes to weddings? (jk. sorta.) In all seriousness, just explain calmly to your FI how you feel, and give him the opportunity to give you what you need, but without making a decree about it. My FI and I always check with each other before we invite anyone--maybe you can tell him that because there might not be room/money to invite all the people you want, you'd like to just check with each other before inviting anyone who's not already on the guest list? Maybe if you make it seem like a policy for the both of you, he won't think you're being a bride-zilla. I think the difference between bride-zilla and reasonable here is give him a choice, and give him good reasons for not wanting so and so at the wedding. As long as you're not acting like a dictator, he should be willing to listen to reason and honor your wishes. That being said, if there's one or two invitees you don't care about but won't make a difference in the long run, maybe just let him invite them so you'll have more leverage for the ones that really matter.
Maybe you could have a small Non Wedding Related get together. It sounds like he is just social and the wedding is the next social event in his life. If you can swing it, host a mini sports event with snacks. He can invite his new buds to that. Not the wedding.
I've also asked my FH to just introduce me by my name and not his "Bride". Its really sweet that he is excited, but it keeps wedding related questions to a min.
thanks ladies. i feel better just reading your responses.
Penguin, your response made me laugh because it's exactly how I feel!!!!
I told him that he needs to give me a new list with everyone he 'wants' to invite. We are under a super tight budget for this and my folks are paying, the reality is that his side is small, half the size of my friends and family, so I am trying to be sensitive that he doesn't want to feel like a loser with no friends at his own wedding. And he is such a sweet and easy-going guy.
But it's more that its embarrassing to watch him do that crap, it's such bad etiquette and as it was said earlier, totally and fully awkward when it happens.
good points MissRojoOso!
my guy is the same, he loves introducing me as "his fiance" and to be honest, it is not a title I'm used to, I hate the word, I can't wait till it's wife.
Can totally relate, a lot of brides face this issue. When I was in the throes of wedidng planning, I was completely irritated. Just keep in mind that our men are just excited to get married as we are.
It just manifests itself differently. Women throw ourselves into managing every facet and detail of wedding planning. The guys show it by inviting everyone they run in to! They think they are helping by showing you off and telling everyone they know. It's weird! We get irritated that they don't show enough interest, but then get mad when they show their interest the wrong way. It's the most bizarre thing you'll ever go through.
You definitely need to chat with him about doing it in the future, but do it in a manner that shows him you're just as excited as he is. Sounds like a great plan to have him really write down a new list of who he wants there, and if you can just get him to agree to talk to you first if someone comes up that isn't on that list before he blurts it out....
Mine hasn't quite started this yet, but he does think that he can invite everyone he works with (100+ people), all of his fraternity brothers (50+), and every member of a state-wide organization he was a part of in college (350+ people). Fortunately, I have some time to reason with him before we have to actually start inviting people.
OMG... I'm going through the same thing. My FI is a social butterfly. He gets along with everybody and everything! At first I use to make snotty remarks when he would randomly throw out a name of someone that we see once in a blue moon. Like a couple months ago we were at a basketball game with about 20+ people. Out of nowhere he says to me "I think we should invite John Doe to our wedding. He's a fun guy" WTF?!??!? Should I invite my neighbor's dog walker if she seems friendly and waves hello to me every morning as I'm leaving for work? Probably not! I did have a talk with him. I told him that I know you know these people but that doesn't mean you have to invite everybody you know. If an average wedding costed about a hundred bucks for 200+ then I'm all for having everybody there. I told him that to me I'd prefer to invite people that actually care about either him, me or both of us not some random guy that's up for partying and getting wasted at the bar at the wedding. When you talk to your FI choose your words carefully. That will make a difference. Don't say what I said... Who the hell are they??? WHy would I want them at our wedding??? LoL
Oh I know. My FI sent STDs to people without even ASKING me. WTH? And it's not that I mind inviting the extra people, but more that I have to have everything input into my spreadsheet and make sure I send them an invitation. So awkward!
I've had a couple people I've run into (that I'm not very close to) start to talk about the wedding and then (thankfully) say, "Oh, I can't wait to see the pictures!" At least some people realize that you can't invite everyone you've ever known.
I'm having this exact same problem except our wedding is two months away and we've already sent out our invitations. My FI has been adding people to his list ever since we sent our STDs but I told him when I ordered the invitations two months ago that it had to stop since I was only ordering enough invitations to cover the people that are currently on the list. Well, looking over his shoulder the other day I see he's emailing a random cousin that of course she's invited (hello, she's not on the list). When I ask if he's told anyone else they can come he mentions that he's invited five other people. We only have two extra invitations. Now what? I told him he had to take care of either letting them know about the details and collecting a verbal RSVP or he could explain that we're already at our max. Thankfully our wedding is out of state so I don't think extra people will just show up, but it has to stop. You are completely not alone in this. I think they just don't think of all of the details that are involved in inviting random people. Good luck.
My FI is the exact opposite. He kept his list incredbily short. The problem is my parents and FMIL. Every time I see any of them, they give me the new list of people "that they forgot about before but who really should be invited". I finally had to impose a cutoff date and insist that they stick to it. My dad tried to add someone else afterwards and when I asked him who he wanted me to delete from the list so that this person could come, he dropped the subject. But it did get bad. Our original plan was to invite 200. I'm now up to 331.
Explain to him how rude it is to invite someone verbally that you don't intend to send an invitation to. Some people may take them seriously and be very disappointed and even hurt not to receive the invitation, especially if they know people who did receieve an invite. Just because you don't think they will come is no reason to invite them. You should only be inviting people you really want at the wedding. People will surprise by coming even if you don't expect them to.
Oh my. Well, the first thing you need to do is sit down and work out (and agree on) the criteria for your guest list. If that is something you establish together, you will have much better luck sticking to it. And part of that is agreeing that there is a guest list - an official list - and only the people on the list are invited - and you will discuss each and every addition BEFORE it goes on the list - which means that nobody gets invited on impulse (without discussion). Once FI and I agreed that was the level of formality required (and since we are having a dinner reception, we really need to know how many people will be there, and we really have a space and budget limit) we haven't really had problems. We have had additions, but every one gets discussed.
Obviously there may be a point past which you can't just add people. Either you have maxed out your venue, or you haev already given the numbers to the caterer, or you only have so many favors... I suppose you can invite someone informally (not send an invitation) but that in itself is a little slap in the face, isn't it? They basically know that they are some kind of afterthought. And verbally inviting people without intending that they come is just rude. Maybe guys your FI talks to at a party or in a bar will just blow off the invitation. Their SOs, if they hear about it, will be wondering when the invitation shows up - if it doesn't, are they really invited - I have been in that position, and its just annoying. I remember asking FI last year if a particular set of his friends were born in a barn or what - they had told us several times we were invited to their wedding, but we had no idea exactly when, or even where, and no invitation showed up until a week before.
It is sweet that your FI is such a generous guy, and wants to share his happiness with one and all. I agree that maybe you can set up an open house type party for all the people who he just wants to randomly invite - sort of like an informal second reception - and maybe that will make him feel better about not inviting all these folks to the actual wedding.
I also think that, seriously, seriously - you have to be able to sit down with your FI and say HONEY!! Seriously no shit we need to come to an agreement on this issue. And then we both need to abide by that agreement. The wedding guest list is going to be far from the last time you have issues. If they way those issues get handled is that you tell him he's screwing up and he continues to behave in the same manner (or vice versa) that is a BIG PROBLEM. Even if one of you doesn't see how what the other is upset about is a big deal at all, you sometimes have to modify your behavior just because its upsetting to the other person. Every actual outcome of the crazy wedding-planning, annoying-FIL, vendor-from-hell issues that you go through in this process is no way as important as how you actually handle these issues as a team - because you're signing up for years and years of whatever level of teamwork you already have, or can manage to develop.
Approach it from a budget angle. My fiance and I know that the max # of people we can have at the reception, with our budget, is X. Each person invited above that number will cost Y. Every time he says, "I'm going to invite these three people, I just HAVE to," I just say, well, our budget is already at its max. Inviting those three people will cost 3Y. Then he either says, "I'll throw in extra $XXX to pay for them," or says, "Hm, that's not really worth it." That way you make it not about emotions but about the reality of your financial situation.
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Anyone else struggle with your fiance verbally inviting random people to the wedding when you are in social situations!?
Am I alone with this?
The guy and I don't have a ton of friends that live locally, this is a destination wedding for most involved. Over the years, with him in school and me running a business, our outside friendships have sorta sadly died. But FI has recently made friends with different people at school. Not great friends, but more people that share his school interest. Which brings me to the annoyance part....
When I asked him for his list of people to invite, only 3 or 4 school people were on it. But recently we've had some social school events where I've come along and he's introduced me to people he's never ever mentioned (and not on the invite list) and it goes something like this:
FI: "Hey random joe school friend, this is my fiance glittergrl".
Random Joe says: "Congrats on getting engaged, When's the wedding?"
and now the vomit mouth begins.....
FI: "In August, you can totally come if you want, there's gonna be lots of food."
Yeah, so this has happened about 3 times so far and the first time got us in a HUGE fight because FI says "They aren't REALLY gonna come."
I just don't know how to deal with this, no matter how I explain it to him, he just thinks im being Zilla.
Any advice???