Post # 1
Not-so-regular Bee (but regular and shy lurker) going totally anonymous to put this out into the ether. I got married about a year ago to a man I met through some activities at my church. He is wonderful in almost every way and treats me so well. We did not live together before marriage, and were not intimate until our wedding night, by choice. We did date for about 2 years before getting married and were on some overnight trips together in a group setting.
I can’t even believe that I am going to write this. On our honeymoon, I discovered a package of adult diapers in an overnight bag that he brought. (I wasn’t snooping; I asked if he had a band-aid, and he told me to look in the bag.). I asked him about the diapers, and he started crying and sort of withdrew from me for several hours. We went to dinner that night, and he acted like nothing was wrong, but I couldn’t stand it so I finally begged him to tell me what was going on.
He confessed that he’s had an issue with having bowel movements (sorry if TMI) since he was a kid. He says he cannot have a bowel movement unless he puts on the adult diaper and has the bowel movement into the diaper. He has been doing this for years, he says. When I asked him how he could possibly make it through the day like that (or a long flight for our honeymoon) without someone, for lack of a better term, noticing, he said he’s become expert at masking scent and disposing of his used diapers. At that point on our honeymoon, he said he had already used his diapers twice in public without me knowing (obviously). I know one of the times was during a side trip where I remember that he kept saying that he needed to find a bathroom. After he told me, I got upset and questioned him about it, and he said he had walked around that day with a “used” diaper on for 2 hours.
I don’t even know what to do. I am horrified. I don’t believe in divorce, but honestly, I’m not sure that I’m even attracted to my husband anymore. And I feel like a horrible person, because I took vows for better or for worse, and if I love him this shouldn’t matter, right?
Do you think there is someone he could talk to or a doctor that he could see? I’m at a loss on what to do, and I just can’t tell any family members or friends. So I’m putting this out there. I am so lost. I am so humiliated. He actually told me during a follow-up conversation we had that I was being “cruel” by making him talk about this. Maybe I should not make him talk about it. Maybe I am making it into a bigger deal than it needs to be. It’s not like it really directly affects me in any way. And I feel like screaming at his mother. Who lets her child grow up this way?
Post # 3
Um. Whoa. You have every right to be kind of freaked out. Therapy to get him over his issues should work, but it sounds like you might have a hard time getting him to go. You should try really hard to not be judgemental when you speak to him though. And definitely don’t blame his mother to his face! Just try to be understanding. You’re his wife and you will support him in every way possible. He needs to believe that so that he’ll trust you enough to let you help him.
Let me repeat: therapy, therapy, therapy, therapy, therapy.
Post # 4
Wow, I feel so bad for you! I would be absolutely mortified! Definitely counseling!!
Post # 5
he needs to get into therapy ASAP. that is not normal healthy behaviour. also walking around in a dirty diaper for two hours is not good for you! he could get an infection.
Post # 6
Wow. That’s a really tough situation to be in. I agree with Mrs. AJG that he needs therapy but may not be very open to it. I honestly don’t have any advice but I wanted to offer my sympathy and support.
Post # 7
@Morose11: I’m so sorry! I can’t believe he didn’t tell you before the wedding! I agree with the others, definitely therapy. It’s really for both of you at this point. I understand him being sensitive, but you’re not being rude by making him talk about it. It’s important to be sensitive, but you need to know what’s going on with him and as his partner, it effects you too. Especially if you feel differently about him and your not feeling attracted to him. I hope it gets better fast! Good luck with all of this!!
Post # 8
Eek. This is one of those times living together and/ or spending more time together probably would be ideal. This sucks. I think he hid something major from you and should do whatever necessary to fix this.
Post # 9
Also sounds like it could be some sexual abusive tendencies or def abuse in his past
Post # 10
yikes….. yes I would be mortified. And I completely understand why you find yourself no longer feeling attracted to him. That behaviour is obviously infant-like and we aren’t wired to be attracted to that. I would feel the attraction instantly shut off.
But I do understand also about the vows and your committment. I love my FI to bits and if I found this out only after we were that deep into our relationship, than I would definitely fight to make it right.
@FutureMrsAJG: I agree with everything she says… he needs some serious therapy. i would talk to him supportively and promise to go with him. I’d ask him what would make him more comfortable, a man or a woman. And I’d probably call my doctor to ask exactly what kind of therapist we should be seeing, as there’s so many different kinds… But I would let him know that it’s non-negotiable. You vowed to stay for better or for worse. You’ve just found out the worse. However he made vows too, And he should be willing to do anything he can to be healthy and, for lack of a better word, “normal”… using a diaper as an adult for non-medical reasons is not normal.
I would just kindly, but strongly urge him to go to therapy and make it known that it’s not a choice, it’s a MUST
Post # 11
I’m just about speechless after reading this. I agree that this man needs serious counseling. Additionally, I have a huge issue with the fact that he didn’t tell you about this disturbing behavior before you were married.
Post # 12
@Morose11: He definitely needs to seek individual psychotherapy; marriage/family therapy will likely overwhelm him. I am not familiar with this issue in adults, but in children, refusing to have bowel movements or only having them in diapers often happens because the child feels a lack of control over their life–controlling their bowel movements is how they gain a greater sense of control over their environment. It is possible that your husband’s problem stems from childhood; if so, he should work towards resolving these deeply-rooted issues.
Post # 13
I would approach very timidly and slowly… he obviously doesn’t want to talk about it. But it is clearly something that you need to talk about in great detail to understand. I’m going to mimick what everyone else says and say therapy…
Like you, I cannot believe his mother let this happen! Good luck!
Post # 14
Doctors! Doctors doctors doctors. Probably a therapist, as PP have said. And couples’ therapy for sure.
You are well within your rights to be freaked out about this. It also makes sense that he would be extremely sensitive and humiliated and even get mad at you for wanting to talk about it, just because he feels ashamed.
My FI was not perfect when we met– I had some nasty surprises after we got engaged (financial/school stuff) and it was kind of similar in that it basically was not his fault, but he ABSOLUTELY should have gotten it straightened out sooner, but he was too ashamed and scared to deal with it.
You married your FI because he’s a good man, and you love him, and you want him to be happy. Do you think you can help him? Clearly he can’t bring himself to take the necessary steps to solve this problem alone…but with some help it should be easy to solve if you’re willing to go through that process with him.
He can’t just not deal with it though. And you can lay it on the line– that if he won’t do individual and couples’ therapy, he can’t expect you to just accept this and continue the marriage.
Post # 15
Therapy is definitely needed here, I feel sorry for both of you!
Post # 16
I honestly don’t blame your husband from omitting this from you… He is clearly ashamed and embarassed. I am sorry this is hurting your relationship with him.
I think the best thing for you to do it support him, and be positive. However, be clear that you want him to get past this, and ask him what YOU can do to help him conquer this. I agree that therapy would definitely help, but I think he will be much to embarassed to even consider it. I think if he truly loves you and is upholding his marriage vows to you, he will try to overcome this for the sake of your relationship.
Also, you said he has been doing this for “years.” Has this been ALL his life, or just for a few years into adulthood? Has he ever had normal bathroom habits like average adults?? Just curious. Wondering what the REAL root of this habit it.