- 4 years ago
- Wedding: June 2014
I’ve been totally distraught recently with icking lying/cheating issues that have come up with the FI and postponing the wedding from 6/2013 to tbd. I would really appreciate your opinions on the issues and hope this isn’t too long!
FI has always come on really strong from the start and been a generous, outgoing, and hard working guy. I am more on the reserved side and I really like how we have fun together and balance out each other. He’s the only guy I ever thought about marrying. We met at 25 (me) and 26(FI), through our roommates, and are now 28 and 29, got engaged last June. We always lived nearby eachother in the city and last fall bought a home in subburbs, and share a mortgage, and our dog. We’ve always had a pretty great sex life I thought.
Ok now for the first and I thought only shady issue before we were engaged, about 6 months into our relationship FI took a day off work and in the AM replied to a Craigslist Casual Encounter e-mail. I knew something was wrong that day, even though we didn’t live together, but we saw eachother that night. The next weekend I saw a set of e-mails to a potential casual encounter on CL from that day. His computer was open to all this porn etc. It wasn’t like he was trying to hide anything and I’d been aware that he was looking at just a lot of porn, progressively more and more, over the last month and Adult Friend Finder and CL, in an abnormal way that I brought up and he got really defensive before. I was shocked by the message though and started crying as it seemed very weird he would actually reach out to a random stranger in this way, as far as he doesn’t come across as a creepy guy. My friends were very surprised and said be careful!! He cried and wrote this e-mail to me that he was so ashamed that this type behavior could come back, as in he had some history of this in the past. apparently he had had a big wake up call before and he felt terrible and that wasn’t the man he wanted to be. I confirmed he never met up with the chick from her but was still just freaked. The chick sent a pic to him and I think that might be why they didn’t meet up and I wonder if she had been more attractive if he would have done it. So it took a ton of persistence for him to get me to give him another chance, like he wouldn’t except no for an answer. I thought that this could actually make our relationship stronger by defining that there should be no cheating and what that consists of. That incident was the 1 time I told myself that something like that could happen because if it happened again I’d have to be out.
So fast forward to 2012, we got engaged in June and then bought our house in September. I’d been paying attention after the CL thing and nothing else had come up. I finally set the wedding date in December for 6/2013 and booked the venue. A really weird mood started to set in and I just knew something was wrong in our relationship. I cried all xmas day and wasn’t sure why. In January I went through FI’s phone and found a deleted message from an escort or prostitute saying that she can’t believe he didn’t show up after all the dirty things he wanted her to do and she was banning him from the forum. this message was sent on a tuesday afternoon/ early evening and when I was helping my friend watch her young kids and must have been on FI’s way back from work. i looked up the phone number and there were online reviews that sad the lady was 20 years older than the pic and had 20 cats or something, so this type of thing is just so weird and unpleasant.
This sent me over the edge because I knew that FI had been deleting his browser history on his phone and before on the computer so my mind just went omg i have no clue what he has been up to with respect to escorts?! I never thought I would think about this during my engagement period 🙁 i know he didn’t follow through with that one, but would that really be the only time, especially since he deleted the message and may have completely deleted others from deleted messages? it wasn’t like he was at a bachelor party or in a bar and things got out of control. it was premeditated when he was sober on his way home that seems so shady. I confronted him and he said he was so sorry and never went through with it but this is just such a red flag.
So I panicked and wanted to see the extent of these behaviors and snooped in his email back to his break up with his ex in 2009. i have his passwords anyways, but still this is breaking his trust which is terrible I know. So it turns out his ex broke up with him because of his CL casual encounter ad that her friend spotted (something he lied to me about before). If he had posted an ad that I knew about back in 2010 I would have definitely broken up with him, but he promised he just replied in the moment to that one. So I hacked into his CL account (very bad I know). Indeed he posted an ad for a casual encounter while we were together and a month before e-mailing that casual encounter person. The ad wasn’t dirty at all, just really normal kind of stuff, but still he had already told me he loved me many times and asked me to be his girlfriend months before that and was taking me to stay at his parents house etc. It was such a behind my back kind of thing. I later read this ad to him and he still lied and said that he had never heard anything like that before all the while looking me straight in the eye! That was the worst – the lying! and its all supposed to be based on trust!
Ok so the last one of these issues, ugh, came up a few months ago when I received a pap back that said I had high risk hpv, which I DON’T actually have, thank goodness, it was a rare lab error. But anyways I asked FI at the time to be very clear with me if he’d ever cheated, he had maintained before he never went through with cheating. So he then says the only thing he ever did was get a sexual massage. I later find out it was 2 massages at and he didn’t enjoy them and the only explanation for them he thinks now is his resentment towards his mother (who is extremely overbearing and insists on being on his checking account and opening mail addressed to me etc. another story), and that fuels these strange and self destructive behaviors. In desperation I read a book on mother issues and the impact on these weird sexual issues and FI agrees on how that really makes sense. But really still at the end of day these issues are really awful to deal no matter what the psychobabble truth of the matter is. So basically this i would think illegal massage place gives happy endings with condoms, so hand jobs i guess but could be worse and FI said the women wear night gowns and bathing suits. I just don’t know what to make of any of this, besides run, and if only I had known before we bought this house and got engaged! I know these encounters were totally emotionless but still I am devestated and I really love him but this just seems like such a risk! I’ve ranted about the disease he could potentially expose us both to and how its not the cheating but the lying that is the worst and I just hate seeing that side of myself that is so mad!
Maybe I’m exaggeratting but these just aren’t normal behaviors and I really need to just make a decision and stick to it before I lose my mind. Its really rough to have moved to the subburbs where most all our friends are newly weds or starting famillies and to be not on that track really, although FI still wants to go through with everything, or so he says. I’m going to turn 29 in the fall and I really never thought I’d be potentially starting over at that age and if I want to start over, because I feel I have to in order to not have anxiety about FI cheating, I should move to NY, where my younger bro and BFF are. I bought all this furniture for our house and its crazy to think all this work will go to waste.I guess if I stay we need to do counseling etc. and i need to live with his mother. who he had been dramatically calling to come over immediately, everytime we got in an argument. it just seems like a situation that is totally overwhelming and as much as I love him is over my head. he says he has been totally honest and told me everything but how can I believe him and how can we move on if i’m not totally convinced on what has gone down in the past?
Please let me know what you advise!