(Closed) Totally freaked after cousins wedding

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
547 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Yes, I have, my experience was:

After such a sentimentally loving atmosphere, watching others feel it and get all sentimental with each other and celebrating love…YES, it seemed like I had an insensitive bruit who has no compassion. I soon realized it was the type of event and for the most part all the love going around and attentiveness was people just like us when they get home.  He is not insensitive, we were just at an event celebrating love and the way people act in a wedding atmosphere is not nessesarily the way they act all the time.

 

Post # 4
Member
1488 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@Otulyssa:  So true. I met my cousin’s husband for the first time at their wedding and I was SO jealous because he seemed like such an awesome, caring, loving, happy and attentive guy. I looked over at FI and thought, hmmmm is he REALLY the one I should be marrying? It put me in a funk for a few weeks.

A couple months after the wedding we came in contact with them again, and this time I was NOT impressed with her husband. AT ALL. He seemed totally aloof and rude. He didn’t even say hi to me or my family, and just seemed like an all around douche.

It’s the whole wedding thing….people act all lovey dovey and romantic because it’s such a special day. It’s like a show or a production. Once reality sets in you realize that these people aren’t like that all the time.

Post # 5
Member
9552 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

Totally normal. Give it some time. If you’re comfortable, talk to your boyfriend about it, maybe he’s feeling some of the same things. Little things happen to make people swing one way or the other on the commitment swing, but usually you end up back in the middle, happy to be moving forward with your sweetie! Just remember to breathe. It’ll work out.

Post # 6
Member
53 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2004

@nik155:  I’m sorry to hear… If you have doubt here’s my advice. 

The way I see it is that you need to trust your intuition…

Regardless of how long you’ve been together, if it doesn’t feel right then it must not be.

Take your time and talk to as many people as you can about it, especially people you trust. They may see something you don’t, which may help you make a decision. 

Sometimes our intuition warns us and tells us something is not right, and most of us don’t trust it. Some of us go on and for many reasons stay in a relationship for the wrong reasons. 

There’s nothing wrong with changing your mind. 

 Do you see yourself with him for the rest of your life? 

Hang in there… And best of luck to you!

Post # 7
Member
3608 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

Yes.  I spoke to SO about it, and it made it soooo much better.  ETA:  It’s scary!  But when I break it down, it’s not being with him that freaks me out: its everything else…

Post # 9
Member
128 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

This may or may not be a reflection of your relationship, or it could just be your fear of commitment.  Either way, it may just mean that you are not ready yet.  If I can offer any advice, it is anecdotal.  I was in a very long relationship (4 years) with someone who I pictured marrying.  But eventually, I started having the same kind of panic attacks that you are describing (my heart would start racing, etc).  I just couldn’t fathom making that kind of commitment to someone forever.  Eventually, I recognized that I wasn’t ready (and I also recognized that this wasn’t the right guy and I was trying to convince myself he was).  I found the courage to end that relationship and I moved on (and it took a lot of courage).  

Now, I am happily engaged to FI.  As our relationship developed, an amazing thing happened.  It became so that I couldn’t imagine my future without him in it.  I really couldn’t wait to start a life with him.    For the first time, I am excited about the thought of marriage and the commitment it brings.  No more panic attacks–I just know it’s right.

I wish you all the best as you try to sort things out.

 

Post # 10
Member
7312 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

If you are having these questions, you are clearly not ready for the next step. And ya know what? THAT’S OKAY! It’s okay to slow things down, think things over, and give yourself time to breathe. There is no deadline for getting married. It’s something that should be done when it feels right and both of you are 100% confident in your decision. Until you get to that point, it’s perfectly fine to be boyfriend-girlfriend.

And yes, I think that seeing someone else make such a huge commitment can really put things in perspective for you and prompt you to start asking yourself some hard questions. When things are really, really right and you are ready for that step, seeing other people make that commitment will only make you even more excited to do so yourself. We attended 3 weddings while we were engaged, and each one just made me feel even more happy that I was marrying Mr. LK. I simply could not wait until it was “our turn”.

Post # 11
Member
750 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

After I was maid of honor in my best friend’s wedding 9 years ago, I broke things off with my then-fiance. I stood up there and watched her say the words to her new husband and I realized I just couldn’t do that. My ex was amazing and kind, but it wasn’t right and it took someone else’s wedding and happiness for me to realize it. 

It was the right choice for ME, but it was a hard one and involved a lot of soul-searching. I didn’t end things till a month after the wedding, just to give myself time to turn things over in my head before walking away from what I had previously thought was the best thing in my life. I’m glad I did it though. Good thing my friend got married first!

Post # 12
Member
5312 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

Hm, I disagree with the idea that people are “putting on a production” at a wedding and are less loving, romantic or whatever else at home. Maybe some are, but certainly not all. There are plenty of people who are just as loving and celebratory of their love in daily life as they are at their wedding! And I certainly do not think you should just ignore your feelings and assume that what you have is “as good as it gets” on the assumption that it IS a production.

I think your feelings are worth further exploration. That you have doubts, rather than feel more certain and excited, after watching anothers wedding to me is a bit of a sign that maybe there is something deeper going on here.  It may be as simple as you not being quite ready for marriage yet, or it may be something deeper about the relationship itself not being right, but whatever it is I encourage some self-exploration to figure out what is going on.

I tend to be of the mindset that if you are asking yourself if you can live with your partners “character flaws” and if he is really the one you want to be with forever…the answer is that it is time to move on. None of us are perfect, but I can’t say I ever have questioned whether my husband was the right one for me forever, or if I really loved him, or sat there and thought “gosh, can I live with those flaws” (and that being said, while neither of us are perfect, I actually do not see my husband as having any character flaws!). I have felt blessed since the day I met him to have him in my life. In past relationships? Yeah, I certainly had a lot of questions about whether I could be with them forever, and there is good reason why I am NOT with them!

Post # 13
Member
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2008

I think weddings can be a good time to reflect on your relationship.  The thing to be careful is you don’t want to compare yourself to the couple.  But it is valid to ask whether you are with the right person – do you see yourself making that commitment?

I have also been with guys where weddings made me down on our relationship, the same guys where I would pick apart everything trying to decide if they were the right one or not –  “well I like X, Y, Z about him, but A, B , C really bug me”.    With my husband, I never did that. He was also the first guy I ever could imagine myself marrying, could really see it.

I had the same thing with Valentine’s cards – so many I would read and realize that that was NOT how I felt, would I ever feel that way about someone?  Kind of a clear indicator I was with the wrong guy, Hallmark be damned 🙂

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