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You've been together for 8 years, he either wants to marry you or he doesn't. I'm sorry, I think it's ridiculous when men play these games after so long. No proposal takes 8 months to organize. What now, come August he pushes the proposal back to January?
If it's happening, that's great. I think it would be ideal if you both created the time line...it sounds like you weren't involved in the change, just informed of it. If you've been committed for 8 years, your communication is probably good enough that you can address that.
I agree with KatyElle. That is ridiculous. I think 8 years is plenty of time to figure out if you want to be with someone, and that putting off a wedding and marriage for the sake of a proposal is stupid. No proposal is so special it's worth waiting an extra 8 months for. Tell him he has the original 6 months to propose with or without a ring, because the marriage is the important part.
It sucks that you have to wait until September but at least it is coming and he wants it to be super special. I think it's wonderful that he is excited and planning something great for you both to remember. However, if it really makes you too unhappy to have to wait a few more months, especially if that throws out any wedding timeline plans you may have, then talk to him. Maybe he could change the plans if he realised that a "soon" proposal was more important to his wife-to-be than the grand proposal it sounds like he is planning. He may not be going about it the best way, so tell him if you want to, but don't think he is playing games with you as PPs have suggested. It is important to remember that this is someone who is planning to ask you to marry them - he loves you and he is trying to make it special for you. It sounds like you can trust this timeline, even though he changed the last one, because he has a solid plan now. Congratulations on getting to this stage and if you are going to be waiting a few extra months, you will always have us waiting bees to keep you sane and wait side by side with you. Best of luck. And if you do talk to him, be sure to let us know how it goes.
Maybe he just didn't realize how much a ring would cost and wants to have it all paid off before proposing. Just playing devil's advocate.
My first thought when you said "grand proposal" and talked about how long it would take is that he wants to take you away overseas and needs that long to plan, book, get time off for both of you etc. *shrug* I'm just guessing.
BUT if that is not important to you and would just cause you stress and unhappiness then you need to tell him!
Tell him exactly what you told us, that having the original timeline made you feel "chilled out and excited, not stressed". Now that you have to wait so much longer you feel "as if i'm being punished for being good". He is not a mind reader, he probably thinks that you will love this grand proposal and are ok with waiting so much longer. You need to talk to him about it, openly, honestly and calmly. He is your future husband, there is nothing you cannot bring up with him.
Yeah no. I am not a pushy person, but it doesn't take 8 years to know if you want to marry someone or not. Nor does it take 12 months to plan a proposal, that's a bit ridiculous. What is more important: starting life together as a married couple or an over the top proposal? Good luck to you... I couldn't put up with that.
@KatyElle: I totally agree with this. Especially after 8 years.
I think you have a right to talk to him about this and tell him exactly how you feel. That pushing it back is not fair. That if he really wants to get married he better stop making excuses. You have a right to stick up for yourself after all this time. He's had plenty of time. If he decides to propose it shouldnt take him more than 6 months to organize and pay for the ring.
Just throwing it out there to everyone who says 8 years is absurd- we don't know how old op is. I dated my FI for 6 years before he proposed but we started dating when we were only 18. Yes, by the end of the waiting period I felt like it was pretty much time for the ring, but 6 years when you start dating at a young age is a little different than 6 years when you start dating at 25. If he sets this timeline, give him a chance to stick to it (like pp said, maybe he didn't know how expensive a ring would be) and then if it doesn't happen, you can address it. Good luck!
argh you are not being unreasonable. He shouldn't be stringing you along like this UNLESS the proposal is something huge like taking you on a surprise, really expensive trip. Have you told him that you would be happy with something simpler? I mean, maybe he bit off more than he can chew with the ring and proposal idea costs and now he really does need more time. I would be super pissed, though.
I agree with PPs that you are not being unreasonable. My best friend is with a guy who is playing games like this with her, and I wish she would just break up with him because she's worth SO MUCH MORE THAN THAT, as you are, I'm sure!
I would tell him that you have waited long enough and ask him for a real reason as to why he's pushing it off so long. Be blunt; tell him that you really want to be married, and you need to know if he doesn't so you quit wasting your time.
Good luck to you!
Some men just don't marry us but marry other women. I broke up with my ex 4 years ago because he didn't want to get married. We had been dating for 3 years, and I think 3 years is good enough to know if you want to marry someone. In your case 8 years is way too long, especially given the fact that you brought up the topic of marriage only last year. My ex has just got engaged; he proposed to his girlfriend of 9 months!!!! So I guess if your SO wants to have you in his life, he should know that you cannot wait forever and he has to move fast. Good luck!
The part that I would--and I think you should feel free to--feel upset about is the fact that he is going back on his timeline. THIS IS NOT FAIR!!! If the timeline was mutually agreed upon (i.e. he was not forced into it, which I'm assuming is not the case), then it should only be changed by mutual decision.
I would sit him down for an honest conversation and tell him how you feel-- hurt, betrayed, confused, etc. There are two people's feelings/dreams/futures at play in every relationship. It does neither of you any good if you are going to feel quietly upset and resentful until September. I mean, is the grand proposal really worth all that?
Just wanted to add... I have been going through this with my SO recently, and I know how it really really sucks. Hang in there!
@anchors_away: Yep, massively agree! I've been with my SO 7 1/2 years and no way is he ready for that commitment yet. Does he know he wants to marry me? Absolutely. Is he ready to get engaged right now? Nope. It bugs me, yeah, but who am I to force another human being (one that I love, no less) into something that they are not ready for?
I also think it can take 12 months to plan a proposal, in some cases. As I said before, unless it messes with the wedding timeline that OP and her SO have, I don't think this is a huge no-no on her SO's part. However, if OP is unhappy, of course she should talk to her SO.
:( I'm sorry. I agree that he doesn't need 12 months to plan a proposal... all you asked for was a picnic! It sounds like he doesn't want to lose you but he doesn't want to take the plunge either. I hope you guys can have a productive conversation about this, you deserve better than being lead on and let down.
@Ambergris: Agreed. For me the most upsetting part is not that I would have to wait longer for a proposal, but the fact that he went back on his word. She trusted that he would do what he said he would in a certain amount of time. When that didn't happen, she felt betrayed and a lack of trust in his keeping true to his word. They need to have a mature adult conversation and be on the same page, and make sure there is honesty and open communication.
Not to get your hopes up, but is it possible that he just told you September because he is trying to throw you off and planning to do it sooner?
Thank you bees for your support!
FYI - we did meet at 18, so we're only reaching late 20's now...
We had a talk last night, and it is purely a money thing, he told me that he wishes he had started saving sooner, but there is not much he can do about that, and that he wants it to be perfect, as be both work very hard, and long hours, so there isn't much time to treat each other - my treats to him are having dinner on the table each night, and he wants our engagement to be the best treat/ romantic surprise, as he never has time to organise anything for me (except taking the bins out etc :) ).
Last time we went to the jewlers we found exactly what WE wanted (he picked it before I did, and it's perfect). When the jewler told us how much that specific one would be, I knew it was too much, but the jewler said he can make another one for us on request. I thought that my SO would have asked for the same but with a smaller centre diamond and after yesterday's conversation it turns out he wants EXACTLY that one (my SO is quite stubborn) as he only plans on doing this once in his life. I did ask him if he could keep me informed to any major plan changes as I was starting to get my hopes up prematurely and I don't want to upset myself.
I have a rough idea of how much he has saved up, but not exactly, so I suggested that I would match his contribution monthly, without knowing when we have hit the target amount, so it will still be a suprise to me, speed thins up a bit, and he still gets to choose when (I did warn him that he would come to a sticky end if he has it all saved up by March and still waits for September LOL!).
So hopefully it's peacefully resolved, I'll have to wait a little longer, but not another 9 months!
Thank's so much for your support, it has really helped me see things clearly... and who knows, I could up date this post BEFORE September with some good news! :)
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my SO told me that we'd be engaged within 6 months, this was in October - so i wasn't expecting christmas or NYE proposals but was hoping for something soon. Last night he welcomed the new year in by telling me, it's now being pushed back to September! That's almost 12 months later!!!
We've been together for almost 8 years and it's only been in the last year i've brought up the idea of engagement (well I had before but he's not so good at picking up hints). He told me the delay is because he has some grand grand plan... and I don't want to sound spoilt, but he knows i'll be totally happy (and my ideal proposal is to have a picnic at the view point near our house).
He said that he wants to marry me (alot) and I really do believe him, but I can't help thinking that he's putting it off further. Having a timeline that was reasonable, meant that I wasn't getting stressed about the whole thing, and was chilled out and excited. I was doing Mr Bee's plan and didn't get stroppy after hearing about other people getting engaged. But it never occured to me that he would change the time line, i'm now back to square one! i've been trying so hard to be reaonable but it's almost as if i'm being punished for being good.
i know he wants whats best for me, i'm fed up of playing the waiting game. Sigh!
Please don't think i'm spoilt, i'm just crushed that I've been building up to something that isn't going to happen for ages.