Tough Situation 2 Weeks Out

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
523 posts
Busy bee

@bahamutangel:  Maybe contact your Aunt (or uncle) and see if there is anything that you can do? Perhaps broach to the Aunt (or uncle) that whatever your cousin decides regarding the wedding is completely fine!

This is so sad…

Post # 4
Member
1838 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

i wouldn’t bring up anything about the wedding, but i think asking her family if there’s anything you can do is a good idea.

Post # 5
Member
1071 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - Greenbrier Country Club

I think letting her know you are there for her was good. 
Don’t let your joy be stolen from you, though.  The sorrow of the loss of her BF should not be discussed during wedding moments and visa versa. However, allow her to grieve. You may have to be really flexible with her. Understand that she may not be there, and if she is, she may have a difficult time. Make sure she has someone there to comfort her. Even if it’s a friend. 

Post # 7
Member
1793 posts
Buzzing bee

Call her tomorrow, or better yet, go see her.  Give her a big hug, hold her while she cries, and do not mention your wedding.  From your posts, it sounds like you are doing the right things.

By the time your wedding roles around, people in her life (friends, mostly) will start going back to their lives and that period where you have to start accepting things will begin.  Stay close to her, lots of love, lots of hugs, and just let her decide what she can and can’t handle.  If I were in your shoes and she were my cousin, she could decide not to walk in the wedding 20 minutes beforehand and I would just hug her, understand, and find my aunt so she could comfort her.

You do have a joyful time ahead of you but she has months of devastation ahead of her.  You sound like a great bride who really loves her – I’m sure you will be sensitive to her needs.  She is gonna need a lot of love and understanding.

Post # 9
Member
10219 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Hi @bahamutangel:  first and foremost, I see this is your DEBUT post on WBee… so a BIG Welcome to “the Hive”

And what a sad way to start… my heart goes out to all of you

I am a bit of an Etiquette Snob here on WBee… lol

(Comes from my upbringing & career) so I’ll address your Question both from that angle, as well as an Older Bee (over 50… so a Mom figure)

From a “traditional etiquette” point of view… this gal would probably withdraw from the Wedding Festivities…

And if this was say 50 or 100 years ago… she’d dress in black, and hide away from the rest of the world for the “appropriate amount of time” (aprox 1 year)

BUT as this isn’t 100 years ago, and times have changed… and grief is no longer something we don’t talk about in the 21st Century… chances of that happening are slim to none.

So more than anything else, here is what you need to know to cope yourself with the given situation as it presents itself:

More than anything else, the most important thing you can do for her (and her sister) is just love them

And allow them to make their own choices in how they wish to handle this situation in their own way and time

Now I know that this means, that your Wedding Plans (will she or won’t she) might be left up in the air…

But in the end… Funerals (mourning) trumps Weddings (celebrations)

And Friendship should most certainly trump Wedding Organization / Wedding Party / Photo Ops etc

I mean worst case scenario…

Even if at the very last minute, one of these gals call you up and back out, “I’m sorry, I’ve changed my mind… I cannot possibly participate today, I’m sorry”… it isn’t the end of the world

The end of the world for them (her) came when she was told her loving BF died tragically & suddenly

You my dear, will be able to manage without her… your Wedding would go on, and you’d miss her (as a person… not as a “figure” in a pretty Bridesmaid Dress) but really and truly miss her.

And that is what would matter.

In the end it doesn’t matter if you have 10, 1 or none who stand up beside at the alter with you… (in truth the Bridal Party is optional)

Because the LOVE OF YOUR LIFE will be there with you… and that is all that matters

This poor girl, she’s lost hers…

Let her grieve.  Be the BEST FRIEND EVER…

Infact I woudn’t even bring up the Wedding until she does

And then tell her truthfully…

“Aaah hon, it doesn’t matter… what matters IS YOU… whatever you want to do, need to do… that is what is truly important to me”

And ya, if that means she shows up, stands by you, and bawls her eyes out thru the whole ceremony… so be it…

Because it may be exactly what SHE NEEDS TO DO to grieve (and we all grieve differently, and NO ONE should never be made to feel ashamed to do so)

Trust me, your friendship is the most important thing…

And no matter what she (or her sister) CHOOSE to do, they need your LOVE & SUPPORT and they’ll thank you for it.

Maybe not today, a month from now, or a year from now… but someday when their hearts are healed, and a Wedding is going to grace their own lives they’ll remember the CLASSY COMFORTING FRIEND that you were.  And that is all that matters.

((( HUGS ))) to all of you in this difficult time,

 

Post # 11
Member
146 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2008

That poor girl. (Woman really, I know, but so so young.) Props for being compassionate OP.

Post # 13
Member
1158 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@bahamutangel:  i’m sorry for her loss. it’s a very tough situation.

 

just continue to  be there for her whenever she needs it. I would follow her lead..if she doesn’t want to say anything, don’t push it..she’ll have her moment when she’s ready.

Post # 14
Member
10219 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

TO @bahamutangel:  thanks for the UPDATE

You are on the right track for sure.  And a TRUE FRIEND.

You sound like an AMAZING woman.

As for your Bridesmaid…

Bless her heart… I am sending her ~~ virtual vibes ~~ and prayers hoping that they find her, and help her thru this horrible time.

At my age I’ve seen a lot of life.  And Death truly hurts… and the closer people are (and younger) the more it seems to hurt.

I have a few friends who lost their SOs to tragedy when they were young, it profoundly affected them (maybe even changed their direction in life) definitely also sent waves thru our community, I cannot think of a few of the living souls now without remembering their soul-mates whom they were so involved with at one time.

It is sad…

But then I remember what someone once told me about death… and youth, and and early passing… which for most of us is both unimaginable and uncomprehensible

No matter how young the person… they were here… we must not forget that.  They were here, and they taught us something about ourselves… thru their existance.  Be it how they touched our life when they are living or in their passing.  They made a contribution to the world and life overall.

And that plain & simple is the truth… they mattered to us.  They mattered to others.  And they mattered, period.

 

Post # 15
Member
1626 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I just want to send a million hugs, that is so sad. *HUUUUUUUGS* Poor thing. <3 You are a good person, OP. You’re doing the right thing.

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