Hi @bahamutangel: first and foremost, I see this is your DEBUT post on WBee… so a BIG Welcome to “the Hive”
And what a sad way to start… my heart goes out to all of you
I am a bit of an Etiquette Snob here on WBee… lol
(Comes from my upbringing & career) so I’ll address your Question both from that angle, as well as an Older Bee (over 50… so a Mom figure)
From a “traditional etiquette” point of view… this gal would probably withdraw from the Wedding Festivities…
And if this was say 50 or 100 years ago… she’d dress in black, and hide away from the rest of the world for the “appropriate amount of time” (aprox 1 year)
BUT as this isn’t 100 years ago, and times have changed… and grief is no longer something we don’t talk about in the 21st Century… chances of that happening are slim to none.
So more than anything else, here is what you need to know to cope yourself with the given situation as it presents itself:
More than anything else, the most important thing you can do for her (and her sister) is just love them
And allow them to make their own choices in how they wish to handle this situation in their own way and time
Now I know that this means, that your Wedding Plans (will she or won’t she) might be left up in the air…
But in the end… Funerals (mourning) trumps Weddings (celebrations)
And Friendship should most certainly trump Wedding Organization / Wedding Party / Photo Ops etc
I mean worst case scenario…
Even if at the very last minute, one of these gals call you up and back out, “I’m sorry, I’ve changed my mind… I cannot possibly participate today, I’m sorry”… it isn’t the end of the world
The end of the world for them (her) came when she was told her loving Boyfriend or Best Friend died tragically & suddenly
You my dear, will be able to manage without her… your Wedding would go on, and you’d miss her (as a person… not as a “figure” in a pretty Bridesmaid Dress) but really and truly miss her.
And that is what would matter.
In the end it doesn’t matter if you have 10, 1 or none who stand up beside at the alter with you… (in truth the Bridal Party is optional)
Because the LOVE OF YOUR LIFE will be there with you… and that is all that matters
This poor girl, she’s lost hers…
Let her grieve. Be the BEST FRIEND EVER…
Infact I woudn’t even bring up the Wedding until she does
And then tell her truthfully…
“Aaah hon, it doesn’t matter… what matters IS YOU… whatever you want to do, need to do… that is what is truly important to me”
And ya, if that means she shows up, stands by you, and bawls her eyes out thru the whole ceremony… so be it…
Because it may be exactly what SHE NEEDS TO DO to grieve (and we all grieve differently, and NO ONE should never be made to feel ashamed to do so)
Trust me, your friendship is the most important thing…
And no matter what she (or her sister) CHOOSE to do, they need your LOVE & SUPPORT and they’ll thank you for it.
Maybe not today, a month from now, or a year from now… but someday when their hearts are healed, and a Wedding is going to grace their own lives they’ll remember the CLASSY COMFORTING FRIEND that you were. And that is all that matters.
((( HUGS ))) to all of you in this difficult time,