Tough Situation – am I being dramatic?

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
4513 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I understand being upset that your bridemaid isn’t reciprocating the types of things that you did for her when she was getting married, that would be kind of hurtful. She really could just be busy though, or maybe she thinks that you have it covered or that your MOH is taking care of things with you?

In regard to the groomsman and the tough mudder – I would not ask him not to do it. I understand not wanting him to get hurt right before your wedding, but your wedding is one day and you can’t expect other people to alter other parts of their lives (that most likely won’t affect your day at all) to accommodate your wedding. That really isn’t fair. As long as he is there for the wedding and completes whatever tasks he is responsible for then that is all that matters.

Post # 4
Member
6026 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

I think you’re expecting too much. It’s great that you were so generous with your time when your friend married, but that is a gift you chose to give, and like all gifts, shouldn’t be given with the expectation of receiving a gift in return. it’s also not reasonable to expect people to give up other events just to participate in some of the pre-wedding stuff or just so you can all travel together. If it were me, I’d make a short (very short) list of things you truly need her help or participation on, and ask if she can commit to those for you. But be nice about it, and don’t be demanding, because she does have her own life and commitments and might not be able to be as generous with her time as you were.

Post # 5
Member
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@Excitedoctbride2013:  I absolutely can understand your concerns. However, life doesn’t stop for your wedding. Of course you are so excited!! It’s your day. But no one else will be as excited, and they are still allowed to have babies, do runs, spend money, or do whatever else they want. I don’t think you are within your rights to try and control anyone’s behaviour. He has committed to going to the wedding – that’s all you can ask.

As for your friend, I would just be straight up and say, “I totally understand that you are a new mom and are so busy. When you have time, I’d love to get your opinion on some wedding details that are important to me.” You shouldn’t say, I did it for you so now you have to do it for me. We do things for others without the expectation of getting anything back – we do it because we want to (or at least that’s why we should do it).

You sound like a great friend, and I wish you were getting more back in return. But there’s not much you can do. The thing most likely in life to drive you nuts is trying to control other people.

Post # 6
Member
729 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I would say yes and no to your question.

I can see why you’d be hurt that your friend has checked out. It may be that she’s having trouble adjusting to her new-mom status, or it may be that she’s one of those people that now that her life has changed and is different from yours, she’s backing away from the relationship. I hope that’s not the case, but it could be true.

As for the groomsmen, I know tough mudder can be pretty intense, but he’s a grown man and you really can’t stop him from doing it. Hopefully he’ll be alright and he won’t have weird bruises in your photos. The timing isn’t great, given the possibility for injury, but I think you have to let that one go.

As unfortunate as it is, I guess you’ll just have to see how your friend is over the next while. Maybe she will snap out of it, and maybe she won’t. There’s nothing wrong with missing your friend. However, I would try to rein in your emotions a little bit, or people will think you’re attacking the woman with the new baby.

The truth is, some people have a hard time remembering that things aren’t all about them. I’m not saying this is the case with your friend – she could just be sleep deprived, having a hard time adjusting to her new role, having feeding problems…all kinds of things. However, there are people who just aren’t capable of caring about other people when there’s something going on in their own life. It sucks, it’s immature, but sometimes it’s reality.

Post # 8
Member
2788 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@Excitedoctbride2013:  You’re overreacting and coming across as selfish. I understand having hoped this girl would pull through for you like you did for her, however, she just had a baby. That baby means little to no sleep, little chance of showers,  constant care and attention, if she’s breastfeeding then thats taking a toll too. That baby is more important then your party, that baby is another life and every parent should be putting their childs needs before anyone else’s. 

As for the gm, I understand your concerns about him getting injured, and I’m sure you’re really just concerned about his well being and not that fact that you may have to make adjustments to the wedding should he get hurt. However, you don’t get to say what someone decides to do, he gets to make the decisions for any and all activities he partakes in. You would have more right to request he not do something if it directly affects your wedding, not only if it potentially could. 

Post # 9
Member
4867 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

As a new mom myself, I really REALLY think you need to cut the girl some slack. Newborns are exhausting and completely time consuming – I spend almost all my time feeding him, changing him, and trying to calm him down when he’s fussy (and everything in the first 3-4 months is the peak period of fussiness). When he does sleep it’s never for more than a couple of hours, which I either spend frantically trying to some chores done or getting some rare rest/relaxing in for myself – never getting to sleep for more than a few hours at a time is really, really hard. Having a baby is a huge, life-altering thing; yes, so is getting married, but the physical and mental axhaustion is not the same.

 

She needs you more than you need her right now – and it’s a heck of a lot easier for you to go down the clock to her house than it is for her to load up the baby and all of it’s stuff and disturb baby’s sleep schedule so that she can come to yours. She isn’t ignoring you – she’s just taking care of a newborn! I still make sure I make an effort to reach out to my friends, but it’s a lot harder for me to just pick up and leave my house than it used to be. If you really want her feedback, offer to go over and help – I about cried I was so grateful when one of my friends came over last week and held/calmed the baby long enough for me to take a shower and folded/loaded some laundry for me once he was asleep, and then we got a chance to catch up. The friends who get offended when I can’t always immediately return messages (because hello, I have a screaming baby who I need to make a bottle for, then change, and then putting him to sleep can take literally hours) and aren’t at all understanding …yeah, I haven’t been as in touch with them the last month or so. 

 

 

 

The Tough Mudder thing…I’m sorry but yes, your expectations ARE way over the top there. You can’t ask people to not participate in any potentially hazardous events because of your wedding. And it doesn’t exactly sound nice or friendly that your main concern if he were to be injured is not him being hurt, but how it would affect and add stress for your wedding.

 

Post # 11
Member
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@Excitedoctbride2013:  It is still out of line to ask him to change which race he is doing. You don’t have to agree with his logic (you obviously don’t, and I don’t either) but you do have to respect and accept it. It sucks, I know. But just focus on the positive parts of your day that you can control, and try not to stress about the things you have no control over.

I am a very giving and loyal friend, and when I was younger, I never got back what I give. It can be frustrating and exhausting, but it is the kind of friend (and kind of person) I am. Quite honestly, I don’t want to change who I am and if people are too busy being douche canoes to appreciate what I do for them (and reciprocate every once in awhile), then they aren’t in my life for long. You either add value or you don’t, and I won’t be the only working at any relationship.

Now that I’m older, I have a great group of friends who treat me just how I treat them. I am happy to have them in my life, and happy to know I can count on them to the same degree they can count on me. The moral of my tale: be careful who you give your loyalities to. You sound like the kind of friend I am, and it is so easy to get burned if you aren’t giving to the right people.   

Post # 13
Member
2642 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Excitedoctbride2013:  I understand being bummed that your friend isn’t more interested in your wedding.  It’s a big and important time in your life and you would hope that she’d want to share that with you.  But I agree with PPs.  No one is going to be as excited for your wedding as you are nor is anyone going to put their life on hold for your wedding.

Honestly, they have a brand new baby so I don’t think it’s unexpected that she isn’t going to be around much.  At a mere 3 months, the baby requires a ridiculous amount of time and attention 24/7.  Unless the baby is the greatest baby ever, it’s probably not sleeping through the night and I bet your friend is beyond exhausted.  So I would cut her some slack.  I’m sure she’s not trying to hurt you, she’s just overwhelmed with her baby.  If in a few months you still feel like she’s ignoring you, you can invite her over for coffee and explain that you feel you two are drifting apart and that makes you sad. 

As far as the Tough Mudder goes, telling the GM he can’t run it would definitely be a bridezilla move.  It’s unfortunate that you all won’t be flying together, but, I do think it’s unreasonable to expect your friends to dedicate one whole week to your wedding.  They will still be there a few days before the wedding right?  And so what if he gets injured (which is unlikely anyway)?  I’m sure he can still preform his duties just fine if he’s on crutches.  If anything, he might need a chair at the ceremony.  It’s not really something to stress about.

Overall, I think you are stressing and overreacting (which happens to us all during the wedding planning process). 

 

Post # 16
Member
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@Excitedoctbride2013:  I get it. And if someone continually lets you down, they are not worth having in your life. Friendship is a two way street, and one person can carry the relationship without feeling resentful and used (and who wants to feel like that?!). Focus on the good friends you do have, the exciting wedding choices you still have to make, and just try and forget about them. They will either come around or they won’t – but you can’t force them.

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