- 6 years ago
- Wedding: May 2011
(regular poster, anonymous for privacy reasons)
I am totally lost and could really use some advice. We’re in the middle of a sad situation and we don’t know where to go from here.
A little background:
DH’s parents separated when he was 13, divorced at 17. His father was never very active in his life to begin with, was abusive, and overall just not a good dad. After the divorce he wanted nothing to do with his son unless it had to do with trying to turn him against his mother (who had full custody). It was a really volatile relationship. He didn’t comply with the terms of the divorce and never helped DH out financially for college, not supportive in any way shape or form. He really just wrote him off.
Fast forward to today- we are married (in our late 20s), and living across the country from FIL. DH is in one of the top PhD programs for his field in the entire country, and is doing amazing. I have a wonderful job and we are planning on starting a family soon. FIL on the other hand has, over the years, gotten himself into a very sorry state. He’s very ill with a chronic pain disease for which he is on permanent disability, COPD from smoking, and a host of other ailments. He is very depressed. He calls DH weekly to tell him how horrible his life is (never asks how DH is doing, what’s going on in our lives, didn’t come to the wedding, etc.- is only concerned with himself). He has threatened suicide many times to which DH has to “talk him down” from. He is hospitalized often and calls us to tell us he’s dying (vastly embellishing what the Dr’s have told him) only to have us find out later that he was blatantly lying. All this is very hard on DH but he internalizes, and for the most part tries to move on- or at least that’s the side he shows to me.
We got a voicemail last night from him telling us that he’s had a stroke (not sure if he’s lying again?) and that he thinks it’s time we come down to take care of him for good, or put him in a home. He’s asked DH many times to give up everything to come take care of him, but this is the first time he’s mentioned being ok with put into a nursing home. Needless to say, we are not in a position to move down there and throw away everything we’ve worked so hard for. We live in a one bedroom apt and there is no way we could move him up here to live with us. He is on Medicare and Medicaid, makes just enough from disability to cover his mortgage payments (still owes 80k on his house), and has very few assets.
So the question is, what do we do? This man is, for lack of a better word, toxic. But he is DH’s father, and my FIL and we are having some guilt letting him figure this out on his own. Does Medicare/Medicaid cover nursing homes? If not, how will he afford it? What happens to people in this situation when there is no one to take care of them and they can’t take care of themselves? Say this man had no family whatsoever, would there theoretically be a social worker through the hospital or the state assigned to his case to help him get into a home? If it’s something we need to do ourselves, is there some sort of support group or outlet that I could find to tell me what to do? I’m willing to take on whatever I need to lighten the burden on DH and FIL but I honestly don’t know what I’m doing. I have no family members, friends, or coworkers with experience in a disability situation like this.
Any insight is much appreciated.
TL;DR: FIL is toxic but needs help, no idea where to start and who to turn to.