(Closed) toxic friend wants to be a bridesmaid (long but please read i need help)

posted 6 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
2196 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

How about you not share the details of your wedding with her. Restrict her viewing of you on facebook. If you don’t want her to attend the wedding at all, then don’t tell her when/where it is. Lie and say your eloping, or only having family, etc etc.

Lame situation though, sorry you’re dealing with it.

Post # 4
7904 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort

I had a toxic friend with similar problems though not as extreme, and the first time I got married, I felt like I had to ask her to be in it and I was made to regret it. We are no longer friends, but that’s another story.

As for your case, there are lazy ways out, such as having no bridal party at all or having only family in the bridal party, but that may not be what you or your Fiance want or may not be fair to you. I think the adult (and therefore undesireable) thing to do is to flat out tell her if she says anything (like, oh, I saw these dresses you would love; let’s go try it on) that you have not asked her to be in your bridal party.

Post # 5
159 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

@rawrrrrr:  If your friend has issues such as anxiety and bipolar disorder, is she getting help from a therapist or a medical doctor?  I can sympathize with what you’re going through as I have a friend that has pretty much all of those issues and an intense codependency on me.  It started to get better when I convinced her to get help and after a recent fight we’ve had, I finally got some freedom from her.  I don’t have to worry about her being in or attending my wedding because I know it’ll be too far for her to reasonably travel.

How soon are you going to have a wedding date set?  If it’s out far enough you’ll have more time to distance yourself.  I would sit her down and attempt to explain to her that you need space, you may need to do this along with a counselor who can mediate the discussion.  If you need to, change your cell phone number and let people know that they can’t give it to your former friend or get her number blocked for a bit.  Same with email, and if you’re really afraid that she will turn into a stalker, document all contact and report things to the police.

I’m sorry that you have to go through this and that it could take some time to work yourself out of her clutches but if you really want her out of your life, you need to be 100% honest with her.

Post # 6
2908 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I had a friend like this, and I eventually came to the realization that she provided absolutely nothing in exchange for all that she took from me in terms of time and attention and misery. I tried ignoring her and always being busy but it didn’t work, so I just stopped coddling her. If she was acting inappropriately, I would call her out on it. If she complained about her life, I wouldn’t contradict her. If she said stuff like “I’m going to die alone and single!” instead of rushing to be like, oh poor baby, no you won’t! I would just be like, well, it happens, that is always a possibility for any of us. She eventually realized that she wasn’t going to get whatever sympathy or attention from me that she required, and she allowed our relationship to die a natural death. 

Learning how to deal with people like that has been one of the greatest and most freeing accomplishments of my adult life. The simple word “no” is incredibly powerful. No, you are not going to a bridesmaid. No, it is not acceptable for you to come to my apartment because I didn’t return a call fast enough. Best case, perhaps this will be her wakeup call that she needs some professional help if she is going to have fulfilling relationships. 

ETA: I know that it’s tough not to coddle someone who you feel so sorry for. I think that’s why I allowed my toxic friendship to go on as long as it did – my friend had a tough life and I felt sorry for her. But I realized that a) nothing I said or did was going to help her get better, and certainly walking on eggshells for her wasn’t going to make her life any better, and b) my time is limited and valuable, and it is really okay to be selective about the people who you spend time and energy on.

And as for my toxic friend? She’s still as toxic as ever. A friend of mine remained friends with her after our relationship ended, and the stories he tells me about how selfish and destructive she still is just boggle my mind.

Post # 7
1888 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@KatieBklyn:  I agree with this. I’ve had the misfortune of having 2 such individuals in my life, both of whom were needy, clingy, insecure, defeatist, and completely draining. Its exhausting giving them what the want and eventually, you just have to say “no”. Stop enabling her dependency on you. It’s tiring work, constantly telling someone “no” but it does pay off eventually. 

As for keeping her far away from your wedding, I’d suggest distancing yourself from her now and don’t share any wedding information with her. If she asks questions, state that you and your finace have not made any decisions about *insert topic here*. Stay strong and good luck. In the long run, this will benefit both of you. 

Post # 8
26 posts
  • Wedding: April 2013


Second, I know it sounds like were are all saying the same thing but to be firm and honest to her is the best thing for both of you.

I took all the same approches as you, I have know this chick for 10 years, we went to school together, I help raise her kids and then tried to get her a job and after all that she still said  inappropriate things or demanded to be center attention, still mopped around about how hard off she was ect so I stopped answering calls, stopped seeing her so offten, didnt help her out as much (I was clearly being taken advantage of but she had such a hard life!)

And then there was the day she called me and aked me to do something that was just not something you ask someone to do and I said enoughs enough.

I know its hard and you are going to feel responsable for anything she may do/react but look at the past – she was already doing & behaving like that with or without you.

I got my friend some help ( I dont know is she still going but alteast I tried) 

And I left her to herself. Ive come to realise that yes, some people have problems and are stuck in a rutt, but you can not help people who dont help themselves.

Get rid of her in a way that doesnt leave you guilty and go have the wedding of your dreams! 

Post # 9
1902 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I think, like others have said, your best bet is to limit her dependency on your by not being so supportive (easier said than done, I know!). I think we’ve all been in that situation at least once in our lives (I had a friend who would call me at 3am to complain about his life and, if I tried to help, would abuse me when things went wrong because it was my “fault” for being involved). I just stopped responding to his calls, texts and, when he would complain about his life, I’d either agree with him  that his life sucked and he was not going to make anything of himself, or just ignore it. All he wanted from me was the ego boost – “Aww, don’t worry, you’re a great person, I’m sure you’ll find xyz.”

If she starts complaining about being single, just ignore it – don’t let anyone rain on your parade! You’re getting married, don’t let her complain about you reaching such a happy stage in your life! Like another poster said, if she starts saying “I’m going to die alone,” just respond with “Yeah, that happens to a lot of people.”

Become a bridezilla around this friend, if you must.
This engagement is probably a good excuse for you to change, as you/she can blame your lack of availability on the stresses of engaged/married life. Start dropping hints about how you’re becoming a different person with different priorities and don’t have time for xyz anymore (loads of people change their friends after getting married anyway!). Let this change in your life give you an excuse to get rid of this friend.

Good luck!

Post # 10
1796 posts
Buzzing bee

First off, congrats on your engagement!!

Second, I agree with all of the PPs, but I have to add on

Do you have facbook, twitter, all of that good stuff? Do not post wedding things(or at least keep it to a bare minimum) , and tell your bridal party/fam to do the same thing if they share mutual friends with your friends, especially her.

I definately would not invite her to be in my wedding party, and if she asks any questions, tell her your Fiance and you havent finalized anything. When it comes way closer to the wedding, if she asks again, tell her you chose people that were close to both you and your Fiance. maybe shell get mad/upset enough shell leave you alone for a bit

Post # 11
475 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

You are describing one of my friends to a TEE. Clingy, needy, jealous, negative, anxious, draining… It makes me feel really bad to talk about my friend in this light, because I really do care about her and want good things for her, but you can only give so much to a friendship like that before you’re just completely drained! She ended up moving out of state, which made it easier to distance myself. Things did get a little better before she moved though, because I finally decided to stop being miss sweetiepie and told her how it was. She got on my last nerve when I got engaged and I texted her the news and she didn’t respond for 24 hours… when she did, she said something to the effect that I was being “insensitive” for giving her this news when her boyfriend (of 3 months) had just broken up with her. SERIOUSLY?! She wants everyone else to be miserable if she is, and if anything bad happens to her at all, she insists that she wants to die, no matter what you do to try to cheer her up. I’m tense just thinking about it. I sent her an email with my honest feelings about our friendship when I cooled down, and of course she was mad, but eventually she admitted that I was right and toned it down a bit.

As for your situation… regardless of her actions, you need to do what’s right for you. If you want to distance yourself from her and she starts stalking you, take legal action if you have to! You can’t let her manipulate you and dictate your life and the longer it goes on, the harder it will be to get out of the situation. I really empathize with you though… I hope everything works out for you!

Post # 12
3303 posts
Sugar bee

You should spare her feelings and just end the friendship. Having her around while you plan will do nothing but eventually get you jacked up when she puts you in a corner.

Post # 13
201 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@rawrrrrr:  This situation sucks.  I have a friend very much like yours.  We met in the freshman dorm and have known each other for years.  She’ll call 20 times in a day if I don’t answer.  She’ll call my workplace and have me paged for an emergency that doesn’t exist.  I think the only difference is that she hasn’t moved to be with me 🙂

I’m not having any bridesmaids because I couldn’t bear the thought of the drama that she would create if she were a bridesmaid (exactly the list you already provided).  I also knew she’d be completely horrible if there were other bridesmaids and she weren’t selected, so I thought that having none was a safe answer.  I was wrong and I should have just dealt with our relationship up front so that I could make a decision without this person being the primary influence.

To date, this girl has cast a dark shadow over both my shower and bachelorette with her bad behavior.  Before the shower, she called me to have a tantrum about why wasn’t I taking her to dinner after the shower.  (umm, why would I?) At the bachelorette (which was dinner in an upscale restaurant) she got smashing drunk, had a fit and then pouted because nobody wanted to do shots and ultimately left with some random.  I’ve tried to talk to her about it and find some reason that she’d be so awful (ie- is something serious bothering her, or is this just the usual acting out).  Her response was that I haven’t paid enough attention to her and that my parties just weren’t fun enough.

I’m dreading the crazy that may come out at our wedding.  Do yourself a favor and cut ties now.


Post # 14
570 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

This is really tough. You shouldn’t have to spend your engagement strategically distancing yourself from someone just so that they won’t stalk you. I would have a straight up conversation with her, explaining that you won’t be asking her to be a bridesmaid. Don’t apologize for your decision, but explain that you’ve gotten the feeling that she is assuming she’ll be a bridesmaid and that you wanted to be upfront with her. If her behavior becomes violent or uncomfortable, call the police and file a report. Unless these events are documented, if she begins to stalk you or become threatening, you will not be able to take action. Explain that you don’t see your friendship continuing, she’s not welcome to come to your apartment, etc. and then change your phone numbers. Block her on facebook so that she can’t see anything pertaining to you, and make sure someone knows where you are/expects you to arrive somewhere at all times. It’s over the top, but it’s for your own safety. Desperate and instable people can do some really scary things.

Post # 15
1636 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

You may have to change your # but you need to get far away from this girl. 

I had a friend like this, and I was literally AFRAID of what she would do to me, my house, or anything else if I broke it off with her.  Finally though enough was enough… I unfriended her on myspace (yes, this was a little bit ago) I never took her calls, when she came by the house unexpectedly I had my husband tell her I wasn’t home.  And if I was home alone, I didn’t answer the door.  These things went on for like a few weeks at the most…

and guess what??

NOTHING happned.  All my fears were in my own head.  I am not responsible for what she does/doesn’t do.  I don’t have to be responsible for her feelings about not being part of my life anymore, she owns those!  Her expectations of me were out of control.  For instance, she did not like that I had other friends.  But that is not my problem…  She didn’t like it.  So she was dragging me down and down and it got to be too much work. 

I am thankful I did this and I have been much happier ever since.  It was liberating to realize I had control over my own feelings and I didn’t need to be responsible for her anymore.  This was also a learning experience, Now I can spot toxicity from a mile away, and I put an end to it fairly quickly.

Good Luck and let us know what happens.

Post # 16
77 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

This is an ugly situation – but as you can read – you aren’t alone! A lot of us have found ourselves guilted into “friendships” that really aren’t. She is dependant on you for her happiness, generosity and friendship and in return you get a needy, clingy, promiscuous, emotionally draning/damaged person in your life. So you carry around the guilt that you are probably the only person who is kind to her (which is why she leans even more) and you fear what may happen if you aren’t there for her. The truth is you two aren’t friends so you need to make that clear. 

When I was 21 I met this woman in the condo across from me. She and I became friends. Over time I realized that this negative nancy wasn’t a friend. I had to “break up” with her and when it came down to it I couldn’t sugar coat it. She would bang on my door and call me obsessively and I even had to call the police on her! I realized that with her in my life I was miserable. You should NOT have to hide your marital bliss, you should NOT have to change your plans (like that poor dear who isn’t having bridesmaids because of one of these types – awful for her other friends!) You should send her an email and just let it loose. Don’t make excuses, don’t apologize for dragging out the friendship – stick to the facts for what they are TODAY. If your wedding is months/years off then you will thank yourself for getting this out the way. The VERY Best thing you can do is to offer someone the truth. Once you have told them the truth as you see it they cannot argue it! Even if they don’t accept your version of the truth you can simply walk away knowing that you have nothing left to say. Do NOT carry the torch by feeling sorry for her, do not worry about what happens to her when you are out of her life becuase people like this find someone new to cling to. A friendship should be out of love, mutual respect and common ground and it does not sound like you have anything in common, so end it. I think it’s harder to break up with a lover than it is a friend but you have to be strong for godsakes!!! Avoiding the wedding topic around her will not solve the problem b/c she will still intrude by calling 20x a day. The wedding will just make everything worse! 



PS – Toxic Friend is a huge oxy moron! LOL 😉 

The topic ‘toxic friend wants to be a bridesmaid (long but please read i need help)’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors